How much time do you spend with your 9 year old?

[mrsdaz]

My ds is 9 and is constantly asking me to play with him. He likes to play with his army figures and knights and proper boys games. I hate them and get bored after 5 mins so find myself making excuses not to play!!

Im feeling like a bad mummy though and try to spend time with him in other ways..i.e asking him to help me with the tea or walking the dogs.

How much time do other mums spend with the ds's and what games do you play etc??

I'm looking for answers too, with my twin 9 yr olds who are v incompatible with each other and both into things I'm NOT into at all. DT1 especially won't play alone but his twin won't play things he likes (physically active things), so he nags me to do things with him. Meanwhile DT2 wants me for other things that I also find tedious (endless obsessions with various unusual interests cos of his Asps traits).

Unless they're both on screens - which they also 'use' in different ways - they're more or less constantly wanting and needing me.

I think at age 9 I was spending several hrs a day either reading/ drawing or playing alone or with siblings or roaming the local woods and building site with sibs. But where we live now, you can't let your DCs wander off alone at all and neither of mine will disappear into our reasonably sized garden for any length of time unless I'm actively interacting with them too.

Who here has a 9 yr old DS with the capacity to play alone for extended periods? We know at least one other boy this age who'll play and read alone for hrs but he does have a big sister there in the background to talk to - so maybe that's the difference? I'm a single parent and I think that if children live in a houselhold with lots of other sibs of differing ages and adults around and in and out, then they're probably a lot more happy to go off alone, but still be overhearing background chatter of others.

Mrsdaz, if your son is an only child, then that sounds like the hardest scenario for you both if it's often just you and him together?

Hmm. Interesting question.

DD sometimes asks/pesters me to do things I have no interest in. I sometimes wonder if spending 20 minutes (or so) doing something she really wants would be better for both of us - she gets me engaged (if not hugely enthusiastic), and I don't feel harrassed or guilty. Twenty minutes is not an interminable amount of time to 'get into her world', and she does enjoy it so much.

Long way of saying - maybe resolve to spend 20 minutes once or twice a day doing something they really want, and then you can get on about your business/get them to play alone and/or do things you prefer?

Perhaps this is a perfect opportunity to teach our dc about the arts of negotiation and compromise?

Thanks for the replies, i guess i need to scedule a time that we spend together, its just so hard when i give him 20 mins and he is clock watching and then complains when time is up that it wasnt long enough.

I have ds2 aged 9 months so its hard when im so tired! DH is good and spends time with both of them but its just me trying to juggle my time and attention to all three of them!

I spend around five hours a day with dd, one before school and four after. Before school is one long nagfest with me repeating myself about dressed, fed, teeth, hair bus ad nauseum. After school,if she doesn't have an activity she watches a bit of telly, does her homework, has a bath etc. All the time I am with her but no necessarily interacting with her if that makes sense.

mrsdaz, my ds used to be like that. He couldn't busy himself and always wanted someone to play what he was playing. Dd was always busy (and still is) with drawing or playing with her hundreds of collections!

The best thing is, to try and get a friend to come round a couple of times a week atleast - gives you a break and your ds can play army and knights on those days.

mrsdaz - I feel your pain!

I have 2 DS - age 8 & 10. DS1 was/is always like this - seemed bored until I suggested things he could do. I would help set soemthing up (a marble run, some Lego models, a craft project etc etc) then try to sneak off after 20 mins to get one with some housework, or e-mails or something. Within minutes he'd appear again with some spurious request which 'needed' me again. He is a bit better now, but still doesn't have that much initiative (despite being phenomenally bright in other ways...)

Ds2 meanwhile will disappear to his room, put a story tape or music on and play for hours with his Lego setting up huge scenes which we just have to come and 'admire' every so often.

Agree with whoever said get a friend over....

This issue is one that haunts me.

As a single mum, I make everything happen for us - earning the income/managing household money and bills, organising/doing shopping/cleaning/cooking/gardening/house maintenance/laundry, school runs, etc.

I host a fair amount of playdates, take dd lots of places to do lots of interesting/fun things - but constantly feel guilty because I am not playing with her very much. We talk nonstop, and sometimes she helps me 'round the house - but we don't often play board games, do a jigsaw puzzle, do an art project etc.

There is not enough of me to go 'round, and 'playing' comes fairly low down the list of how I spend my time. Sad to say, I'm a slave to a schedule in order to fit everything in, and when I have a chance to sit down/relax, I honestly don't have the energy/inclination to construct a marble run, etc.

I think I will regret it when she is older and not so anxious for my attention and company, but don't have a solution.

I think it's good if you can give them quality time in 5 minute bursts here and there. It's still quality time and you can discipline yourself to properly play soldiers/concentrate on the intracies of their games console strategies/listen to their terrible renditions of JLS songs -- for just that long... also, a regular activity (even if it's only once a month) of just you and them is good, if possible (I often fail here myself ).

And bedtimes, we have a lot of heart to heart talks at bedtime.

Ah - I have a DS aged 10 who spends hours in his room, reading, making big Lego fantasty scenes and I feelguilty that I don;t spend enough time with him! I can sympathise with mnay of the comments above. I was a single Mum for a long time and felt bad about how bored I got doing lots of his stuff - and he was very demanding. I settled for the twenty minutes o somethign we both enjoyed followed by a 'why don't you go and play by yourself?' which never really worked. These days he has my DP and a younger sibling to contend with and I worry constantly that he is suffering from neglect.
I've always felt bad at bedtimes, especially now hes a but too old for being read to, and by the time its his bedtime, I've just got the little one down, and am in the throes of dinner and usually need to sit down and start marking or some such as well....I rarely have the energy to even tuck him in properly, never mind have a heart to heart.
I make him walk to the shop with me for a loaf or some milk, and that's the time we have our heart to hearts.
Oh, it's never easy and we never think we've got it right. In the end you can only do what's right for you. At least you're not leaving them in the nursery with nanny to be presented downstairs before dinner and then setn away again!