what do you do when a 12 year old clams up

[curableromantic]

He's being bullied at school and has refused to go in for a week now (facebook stuff, nasty texts etc). We are dealing with the school and hope to get it all resolved asap.

We tried to ask him about it, to talk to him about getting through these situations and the fact that he will have to go into school on Monday but he just goes silent, completely shuts down, no expression, says he isn't going in.

Do you carry on trying to talk, or is there no point at this stage?

He is DP's DN, we are supposed to be taking over his care (orphan). He's very vulnerable. He wants to change schools and we are trying to teach him coping strategies - otherwise it will only happen again.

Oh how awful! It must be heartbreaking, not just for him but for you and DP having to watch him so upset.

My little brother was bullied terribly for his first 2 years at senior school. I am 2 years older and me and my friends tried to intervene. It just meant they acted worse to him when I wasn't around. My mum and dad were at the school constantly, but the kids were totally hardfaced and their parents didn't care to deal with them. My brother started boxing lessons - helpless against a group of 6... No matter what people say, ignoring did not work, going to the teachers oftens makes things worse and telling a scared child that they need 'toughening up' is a useless, cruel thing to day.

So in the end he moved schools, and lo and behold, he was a different kid! Confident, popular, outgoing. It was bizarre how quickly the improvement happened. Of course, this was right for him, and may not be the right decision for another child, but he was in the pattern of being a victim in his first school. Going somewhere different gave him the opportunity to break the cycle and be someone else.

If you do decide to go in this direction, try to work on his self confidence so that once he is somewhere new, he is not seen as an easy target for bullies. Maybe self confidence classes or councilling? Or just an activity that he is good at to make him feel good about himself?

The very best of luck to him and to you. I have seen first hand the effect bullying can have on a child and it is devastating to see.

Thanks Leoni,

The annoying thing is, this is DP's nephew (his sister died leaving two children who have been brought up by granny), and up until recently he was due to come to live with us (runs rings round granny, she's just run out of energy). I got him a place in a really good school in the town where we lived and they were organising some counselling for him. Then he decided he didn't want to come and granny refused to make him. So we drew a line under it. We moved house to a smaller flat in London, in an area with terrible schools (our DS is still a baby). Then a week later, this happens and now he wants to come and live with us after all.

I do agree that sometimes changing schools is a good thing, but I just feel that here he has to get through it. It was a tiny incident that blew up out of all proportion because he started refusing school. He is very sensitive, and avoids any situation where he might be challenged (although he is bright). THis includes picking friends who are not so bright and so he doesn't have to try.

I'm really worried as he seems depressed. There is so much in his life that he has never dealt with.

Can I suggest giving him the number for ChildLine, if he hasn't tried it before? I am a bit biased as I am one of their counsellors but it helps a lot of kids because it's someone to talk to who isn't at all involved in the situation and doesn't know them. Let him know he doesn't have to say anything he doesn't want to, and we won't tell anyone else what he says unless he asks us to, or he or someone else is in immediate danger. He can contact as many times as he likes and not to worry if it's scary and he feels he needs to end it suddenly - we understand that.

Phone number is 0800 1111 and we also have online counselling on the website.

When my DD1 did this we decided that school had to take responsibility to make her feel able to attend. We had done everything we could to help her and realised that it was between her and school. It was a good decision because it took away the conflict between us. We were suddenly all on the same side again.

Thanks Glitter - I hadn't thought of that, I'm going to email DP's mum now and get her to give him that idea. She said he has been silent since he came back and will only communicate if she keeps the conversation on the lines he's happy with. As a person (and this has been true with her own children, DP's brother and sister and DP) she does not feel you should make children do anything, and is convinced DN is special, vulnerable and making him do anything will be detrimental. This includes 'making' him come along on family days out and even 'making' him go to bed. He often stays up all night.

Al1son, I quite agree. DP is going to the school today and we are going to try to get some reassurances from the school so DN feels he can go back. He has now been off for two weeks (one week refusing, then half term) and I imagine he hasn't gone in today. It's so hard to help from a distance when we're not in charge of his day to day life.