DS starts school in Sept, will NOT feed himself

[popmum]

Any tips - I know he can physically lift a fork to his mouth but he generally will not feed himself main meals.
I have tried and tried to get him to eat and he is just not interested in food so I am still feeding him - it's terrible isn't it? He is 4.4 years.
He will eat breakfast and sweet things. He sometimes eats food with his fingers eg pizza, sausages, carrots etc but I have never seen him use a knife and fork to eat a meal other than pasta (which he will eat)
He is fine development wise and healthy etc but I am so worried about when he starts school - part of me thinks he'll soon learn he has to eat but is that really true....?
Anyone else been there, done that and survived it? Any tips? I do (and have always) eaten with him and we eat as a whole family on weekends, I offer a range of food across the week and he has an older sis who eats beautifully...

At least he eats. My Tom is almost 4.2 and hardly eats at all. Will eat breakfast and maybe some lunch, but dinner, unless it's chips, then no. He won't eat meat. Tom eats better around other kids.

Anyway, back to your DS, I wouldn't worry about it tbh. He'll copy what the other kids do, so will see them eating with knife/fork.

Good luck. My dd still says, aged 11, you'll have to feed me Mum, I just can't be bothered to eat...

sympathies and thanks - it's such an emotive issue isn't it? I feel like such love goes into food prep and then sometimes it feels like it's just thrown back in my face...he will eat (be fed) but it's just the lack of interest in food I don't get...food to me is great - i love cooking and eating and I just want him to copy me!
Does your DS start in sept too?

hullygully....noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

he will eat sweet things.

sure he will

just take him to his grandmas
and leave him

I wouldn't worry. I wish i only had feeding issues to worry about, my dd is still in nappies and can't feed herself or dress herself infact, she can barely talk (she has Autism). Though she can read and write .

he will do fine as soon as you aren't in the room to pander to him

I would stop feeding him. If he can physically pick food up and put it in his mouth then he won't starve. Once he is used to the idea you can concentrate on table manners.

coderoo...I know re the sweet stuff! cheeky.
The amount of times I say to him I wouldn't have got away with it when I was a kid...we ate our teas nicely no issues at all (except when it was liver and bacon, def drew the line there).

My dd is dead picky at home. At school she eats what she is given. Peer "pressure" is a wonderful thing.

agree
show down
stop feeding him
no sweet stuff he is taking you for a fool

thanks all - do appreciate just talking it through actually - you don't realise how bad things are....

I don't feed him straight off, I encourage him to eat but he just sits there....and I wait and his sister waits and waits....45 mins he can sit there (well sit and wonder off, come back etc) before eventually i give in

Why are you feeding him? Stop and soon when he will realise you won't be doing it, he'll have no choice. If he goes without a dinner few times, he won't starve.
Seriously, at 4 he should be able to use cutlery. My dd is 16 mo and uses spoon and fork.
Not trying to be mean btw.

I know I know... you are all right....OK this weekend we'll have a chat (he usually responds well to a chat) and say no more feeding. He is a big boy now. I will try to be strong and not give in....

Definitely don't give in! Worst case, he'll go hungry for a few meals. Of course he won't eat by himself- he figured it out that there's no reason to exert himself because mummy will feed him every time!

Good luck.

What about a star chart to encourage him to be a big boy with his eating?

My ds still can't use cutlery very well at 10. We thought for years he was being lazy and badly behaved until we realised that he has a joint condition that means it actually hurts. He never told, because he thought everybody hurt when they were manipulating objects and it was just one of those things you don't talk about.

Anyway, point of this is not to suggest there would be anything wrong with your ds, but to encourage you as to his coping with school. If the educational system could cope with our ds' table manners then I am sure they can cope with yours! Ds did take sandwiches for a while, but is now having school dinners- don't like to think of what that looks like, but try to file it away under Somebody Else's Problem. He copes in any way he can and that's good enough.

Ds is also completely uninterested in food, at least unless it is junk food. I try to switch off my emotional reactions and concentrate on cooking for dh and dd who do appreciate my efforts.

Tom starts next August, so has another year at nursery (we're in Scotland). I'm hoping once Erin starts weaning in a few weeks, he might get better with his eating. Can't get any worse!

I hated liver too!

Ruling out any physical condition that makes it impossible/hard for him to feed himself (maybe take him to the doc's to reassure yourself on this score?)... then I would just stop feeding him, seriously... give him a wide selection of food, say 'here is your lunch', don't talk AT ALL about what he will/won't eat (takes the emotional heat out of the situation) sit at the table with him and eat your own food, and if he doesn't eat, well, there you go!

(I promise, promise, promise you he won't starve himself - I went through a WHOLE YEAR as a child of only eating a) weetabix b) cheese and c) yoghurt - then the New Nanny came, said 'what's all this nonsense?' and gave me a plate of meat and three veg saying 'here's your supper' and I just meekly ate it all up!)

Serve his dinner plus cutlery - explain he has to use the cutlery and then eat your dinner, if he hasn't eaten his dinner after 30 minutes a good amount of time for him to take - or by the time everyone else has finished their meal then put away the meal - no need to say anything - and wait until the next meal and do the same.

I would supplement the non eating meals with fruit and beakers of milk at snack times etc.

Would also stop all the sweet snacks until he can eat proper food using his cutlery.

If a 1 year old can use cutlery - they do at most day nurseries then surely your son can too.

Thanks all! There's nothing physically wrong with him - he just doesn't seem to have any interest in food and therefore can take it or leave it.

Update on today: ate breakfast as usual. Sarnie and bits for lunch - he ate his with encouragement
Tea - ate spag bog with his hands & had abit of a go at twirling spag on fork (would normally have just sat there fiddling with the spag until we gave in and sfed him). Needed reminding of half hr time limit though and didn't finish it (which I don't mind about)
Progress I think - we didn't feed him at all not even loading up a fork.

From what you have typed it sounds like he is playing silly buggers to be honest.

My DS1 is extremely capable, can do pretty much everything for himself, but I have a friend who loves to baby children and when he is around her it is a PITA to keep him from letting her do so because hey, why look after yourself when you can get someone else to do it for you?

Agree with 30min time limit (or when everyone else has finished and you are clearing), also I wouldn't have allowed a 4 year old to play with spaghetti with his fingers, would have said "Use the fork or leave it alone".

Why are you sitting "encouraging" him to eat?
It's all part of the show for him.

You cook food, put it on the table, he chooses to eat or not.

You give off air of not being bothered one way or the other.

My friend feeds her 4 year old or apparently he doesn't eat. Funny, he always eats at my house.

Let him either feed himself or go hungry. This sounds like attention seeking behaviour.