I hit DS two nights ago and feel paralysed with guilt. How can I prevent this happening again, and stop beating myself up and instead focus on becoming a better parent?

[LazySusan]

DS is six, and I love him to pieces. 90% of the time I love being in his company. 10% of the time (probably much less actually, but it feels like way more because the aftershock lasts hours/days) he is exploding. Really exploding.

On Tuesday evening, DS blew up at bedtime. He tried to lunge at me with a toy bat so I calmly walked to another room saying I'd come out when I felt safe, or if he wanted to talk or hug. He banged the door with the bat, yelled at me that he hates me and wants to kill me, and said he didn't care that I was crying (which I now was). He finally got into the room and kicked me, and impulsively, I grabbed the bat off him and whacked the back of his legs and really shouted at lectured him. I then pushed him out of the room more forcefully than I'm proud of because I felt so angry I thought I could really hurt him, and needed him to be out of my way for his own safety. This isn't the first time I have lashed out physically, but I am relieved (vaguely) to say it's very rare.

I feel absolutely mortified that I hit DS. He said afterwards when we talked about what had happened, that he felt scared of me. I feel I have monumentally failed as a parent because of this. It's my job (I think) to keep him safe and secure, and I have let him down. We have fun together and I tell him every day that I love him. But he's scared of me.

Something key that I'm struggling with here is that, if anyone else treated me like he sometimes does and was beyond all reason, I would run for the hills or, if that wasn't an option, throw a mighty punch back. Because it's my son doing this, I can't walk away, and I can't fight back - but stifling my fight-or-flight urges seems to lead to a massive build-up of adrenalin in me that eventually blows when I can't take the disrespect anymore. And I'm frightened because I feel I can't control my fury in these moments, and I'm scared I'll do it again.

I'm working, when I can, on getting to the root of DS's outbursts. I've apologised for what I did. Is there any redemption when it comes to hitting a child? Is there any way I'm not a contemptible parent who's bullying and damaging her son? Is there an outside chance that DS still trusts me and feels safe and secure? How else can I respond when he explodes, in a way that respects both me and him? I really, really don't want to do this again.

Thanks.

you snapped, you were at the end of your tether. it happens to us all. you have apologised. have you told him you wont ever do it again?

do you think you would benefit from some help with your temper or frustration?

I think you need to get your son some help with managing his temper,maybe a chat the consequences of hurting threatening people is in order ??

Stop beating yourself up, you're only human.

I don't want to make excuses for you, but it sounds like his behaviour was really,really bad. I can't say I'd have reacted differently if one of my kids was doing and saying the things he did. I hope I would but I don't know I definitely would have pushed them away with a lot of force anyway.

Would you consider anger management classes?
It might be a really good thing to learn some techniques for keeping calm/defusing the situation. It would also be good to tell your DS you are doing it, in the context of "my behaviour was unacceptable, I'm going to do something about it" - it would be setting a good example perahps?

You shouldnt need to hit children but then in an ideal world they wouldnt behave as though they needed discipline .

This time you perhaps acted in a way you dont like its no good asking what we think because the way I parent is entirely different to the way the next poster does...it about how you choose to parent,so if your not happy then address the problem at source.

Your ds is old enough to understand his behaviour wasnt acceptable,he is old enough to realise you dont treat Mum that way- dont be gushy with him tell him that you dont expect that behaviour from him and leave it.

Of course he felt scared when you reacted like that he was 'on one' and you were saying im leaving the room now but if you want a hug etc etc then ill come back.......as a mum of 3 boys let me tell you with boys you need to be firmer!! you need to take his bat away and tell him to stay in his room until he knows he can be nice again- be firm be strict be strong,its the only way to keep boys in line [dont like that word but hey its true].

Draw a line under this event and decide how to discipline him next time,when a boy throws a 'tantrum' theres no hug better when theyre 6 they hate the world and its dog but amazingly 10 minutes on their own to adjust can calm the pot right down.

I parent rather strictly [so im told] I work on honesty and respect and expect the same back and to a degree in my mind respect = fear not a physical hurt sense but a sense that love will be withdrawn that kindness will be withdrawn and my boys understand that.

I come from a home where I was frequently hit with canes with fists etc etc and not always cos I was in the wrong in fact the day I left home my stepfather hurt me,as a result I did find it difficult when the dc were small but i stepped back and stopped not always but mostly,and even now the boys will tell you theyd far rather I smacked them than I stopped talking to them or doing 'special' things with them.

Its parenting its hard but we get there .....eventually .

you can physically restrain a child and move them away without striking them. i think you need to work on that in situations where he's coming at you.

Thanks for replying, and for the reassurance about snapping being human, etc.

booyhoo, I haven't told DS I won't ever do it again because I have no reason (as yet) to believe DS won't blow up like this again and I, again, won't feel furious at how I'm being treated. I don't feel I can keep to that promise, despite (obviously) not wanting to do it again.

ApocalypseCheese, I chat at length with DS about respectful behaviour, bullying, etc. When he isn't inflamed like this, he has a good sense of right and wrong and is quick to point out when someone might be hurting someone else's feelings or isn't being respectful. Every now and then, he has wowed me with how emotionally intelligent he can be. The problem is that when he's really angry, this insight seems to disappear. I can relate to that.

Sazisi, thanks for empathising. Yes, his behaviour was awful and pushed me beyond breaking point. But I still wish I hadn't snapped. I am trying to get to the bottom of why he gets so wound up. Is it my example? Poor parenting? Genes? Anger and anxiety relating to early years/his dad and me separating? Developmental immaturity? I don't know. But I'm exploring.

So, where do you go to find anger management courses/resources for parents and children? I wouldn't know where to start looking. And if you were me and DS was one of your children, lashing out verbally and physically in a big way, how would you respond in the moment itself?

Cross-posted. nickschick, thank you. Lots to take in. Will sleep on it.

blinks, I've tried restraining DS in the past, and it has only made him more furious. And if I move him away, he'll just lunge right back at me (if I don't put him or me in a separate, locked room). Thanks, though.

have you tried repeatedly moving him away and offering absolutely no reaction?

if he lunges back at you, you take his arms and silently move him away from you, ignoring any protests. you need to do it firmly but without causing pain.

i've seen this in action and the lack of reaction (i'm talking no expression and no conversation whatsoever) is the thing that really dissipates the child's anger.

initially it may have to be repeated may times when he's having a temper tantrum but if you stick with it, the technique has a good chance of getting him to rethink his strategy of getting your attention.

may = many

Lazysusan, i happen to agree with you there. it would be detrimental to proise that only for the same situation to occur again without you having learnt a new way to deal with it.

i think your best course of action for the immediate future is to learn how to restrain him or remove him from the situation until he calms down. long term, he needs helps with expressing his frustration appropriately. it is so hard. i really do feel for you right now.

i think its odd he says he hates you and wants to kill you
never happened here ever in 11 years

When things are calm you need to talk and plan. Your son is old enough to understand it is not acceptable for either of you to become that angry. I suspect that making a joint decision about how to avoid this will help drum home to him that even although he is only young, and that clearly controlling temper even when you are an adult is hard, you can both take some responsibility here. There is an excellent book for youngsters called ' volcano in my tummy'. Why not show it to him on amazon taking the view it would be useful for both of you, order it and talk about looking forward to trying some of the things together.

Don't feel too bad. It was wrong but most of us have been there, most of us have been told we are hated too. With any luck this might be a turning point for both of you. To be honest he sounds bright and even a little manipulative which is one reason I think he can deal with some responsibilty! He also sound loved and I am sure he knows this. Good luck. I do know how dreadful this feels. Consider yourself hugged.

My dd used to have total meltdowns where she would do her best to bite and kick and generally hurt me- and she was older than your ds (but had been through quite a traumatic time). What I did was to get behind her, hold her wists, so I could pull her teeth away from my arms whichever way she tried to bite me, sit down on a chair and put one leg over both hers to restrain her from kicking while keeping the other one on the ground to give me leverage. But you have to stay calm to be able to do that, evidently. She grew out of it eventually and is now a perfectly civilised teen.

I did once slap her though- when she'd managed to sink her teeth into my hand (wasn't quick enough on that occasion). She bears me no grudge and fully understands why it happens, and also accepts that this wasn't part of my normal parenting.

What made it easier for me was, I felt I knew why she was behaving like this. She did tell me once that when she had her meltdowns she got into a state where she couldn't really feel I was her mother: it was as if I had turned into some monster that she had to try and hurt.

I understand your response as desperation, if not self defence...you were scared of him.

I imagine he is feeling insecure for some reason, perhaps worried about you, and cannot express it.

I think you are only getting this when YOU are feeling less than on top of things, and he senses nobody in the house is very strong and feels scared at some level, and is just acting out.

It my be to do with you and his dad separating.

I think these episodes do pass and are very wrrying at the time but it doesn't mean he is turning into a psychopath, and it doesn't mean you are a terrible parent.

Commend your honesty, I really do. Take care x

you smacked him, you didn't break his ribs. he does love and trust you, although he probably was scared at the time.

If he was properly scared of you, he wouldn't be kicking you in the first place. He wouldn't be showing you ANY disrespect.

Now - on the subject of his outbursts.

YOU should not be crying in a different room because you are frightened of a six year old. THAT is what is making him frightened and insecure - your lack of control of the situation. You are the adult, be the adult, and be the secure rock that your son NEEDS in order to feel safe in the world, not a crying jellyfish.

My 7 year old comes up to my shoulders and when he throws a wobbler, he goes to his room. I have, within the last three months, physically carried him kicking and screaming and hitting and crying and biting, up to his room, and held the door shut.

I did not apologise for doing this to him. He does not get to break my living room and treat me like a punchbag, and I am CERTAINLY not going to leave the room to let him carry on with it unfettered. he stays in his own space, breaking his own damn things, until he can act human again.

yy what Dittany said, it sounds as though YOU are feeling realy vulnerable or exhausted at the moment, which has made him seem super powerful to you.

I can totally relate to this.

Agree that if you can manage not to cry or show vulnerability it is a great help. I used to repeat over and over to dd "No, I can't let you hit anyone, I won't let you hurt anyone", in quite a deep voice. Never seemed to have an effect at the time, but I think it did help her in growing out of it, just giving the signals that however much she was panicking there was somebody else who would deal with it.