SAHM feeling unworthy of DH's financial support.

[cfc]

I know I shouldn't, and he insists that our money is exactly that....our money. But I feel deep down that he is resenting the fact that he's bringing in the money and sees me being at home with a one year old (and pregnant with another) as time off.

There was an argument last night which has set me thinking. I tell him how grateful I am at his support and that he works so hard to provide a good life for me and the boy. I am grateful that he earns a good wage thanks to his hard work, so that I can stay at home with the baby. I tell him this, but it never seems to be reciprocated, he never tells me what a good job he thinks I am doing.

Sorry, this isn't a rellie issue.

Does any other SAHM feel guilt or whatever at being at home and being a 'kept women' as it were?

I feel guilty if I need to buy something for myself and have to use the money my partner works hard for, but then I think i work damn hard too, I have four girls aged between 12 and 5 months and I think I do a good job of this and running the house.. i think we all feel a bit guilty sometimes but you have to remember your working hard to and the children are his aswell, he might not tell you that you are doing a good job but im sure he knows it, and as for time off... being a mum means you never have time off, leave him with the baby for a day and then see how easy he thinks it is..

It's a reciprocal arrangement isn't it? He works so you can look after the kids, and you look after the kids so he can work.

I think he's got a lot to be grateful for too...

Nope, I feel no guilt at all because:

1. being a SAHM can be a bloody hard grind in between the lovely bits
2. being a SAHM requires a massive amount of personal sacrifice and self-relinquishment

Your willingness to devote yourself to raising your child facilitates your husbands career as much as his wage allows you to do so. He's got it all. Give over with the gratefulness - you are meant to be a team.

(caveat - I do freelance work whenever I can, but this is for me, my brain and my career, not just the money)

i used to feel like that until quite recently. i had been on Mat leave until feb and OH would make jokes about me sitting on my bum all day i know they were jokes but they stung. i was definitely not sitting on my bum. i very rarely see my sofa until dcs go to bed and sometimes i still dont because there is always so much to do.

we ended up haveing quite a big row. i told him how unnappreciated i felt and i spelled it out exactly how i felt day to day when i knew he thought what i did wasn't worth as much as what he does. it definitely helped. he hadn't realised how hard it can be at home all day everyday alone (he is forces so lives away).

i am starting now to see my role in a better light aswell. i am proud of the job i do. i do a good job of running our home and raising our children. they have a happy mummy and i enjoy my days now that i know it is also appreciated by OH, i know it isn't liek that for everyone, OH would realy be very bored at home all day but it is what i love and i am good at it. it isn't always easy but i know now that OH understands a bit better how hard it is. i have told him he should be paying me a wage for what i do, but of course, the hours i put in, he just couldn't afford me.

think of it this way, if you chose to leave the family (not saying you ever would) what sort of things would he have to take over or outsource in order to maintain the lifestyle your dcs are used to? it would cost him alot of money to get the same level of help.

I think I can understand his resentment. This isn't to say that being a SAHP isn't hard work, and it is certainly very valuable work. But in many ways you're your own boss. You can have a lovely afternoon in the park, go for a coffee, meet friends. And of course you get to spend lots of time with your DCs.

Having done it for real, I know of course that the flip side is that being a SAHP can be very isolating, babies can wail for hours on end (or so it seems), you never get a moment to yourself, never hear a "thank you", start feeling your mind turning to mush.

The thing is, you have decided as a couple to have children. Someone needs to look after them. As Born says, you look after the kids so he can work. He works so that all of you have a roof over your heads, food on the table and so on. It's a reciprocal arrangement.

BTW if he really did feel resentment, and he's unhappy at work, could you swap roles at some point in the future? Or could he cut his hours while you go back to work PT?

I feel like this , part and parcel of being a mum, I felt crap when I worked too.

I pointed out to DH last night that 'at least my day finished at 5 when I worked'. This was at 9.30 when I was doing his dinner, after he got home late, prior to doing the washing up at 10. I was up at 6 with 1 year old DD3.

He doesn't see it that way, but this is the man who refused to look after DD3 so I could go and see my DB (who I hadn't seen for a year), because he was 'daunted' looking after her (I looked after all 3 alone for 3.5 months last year).

I hate being a SAHM but I hate being a WOHM too, as I still have to do all the cooking and washing.

Life is pants!

To be honest, I dont think you have anything to be grateful for. He is going to continue thinking he is doing you a great favour, and be resentful, as long as you keep showing so much gratitude. Really, it is misplaced, your child, and unborn child are HIS children too, and he is as responsible for them as you. If you were not a sahm, you would be working, he would have to do an equal share of all housework, and you would have to pay nursery fees. HE has a lot to be grateful for, that you are happy to allow HIM to focus on HIS career.