My sister-in-law and the daughter of an older friend of mine are about to have babies and it got me thinking about how I would hate to start all over again and how I would do things differently if I had my time again. My daughters are 10 and 8 and, aside from all the practical advice on potty training, sleeping, etc, the biggest advice I would give to anybody about to have a baby, is don't necessarily give up work, like I did.
I have done lots of voluntary work over the years and little bits of work, and running various projects for my husband so I have not been idle, but ten years on, I am now trying to pick up the threads of a career and it is so hard because of the loss of confidence and self esteem. In fact, I ended up incredibly depressed and am still on anti-depressants. And then I started asking around my friends who haven't worked and found that this is such a familiar story _ so many of us feel worthless and without identity.
Then I came across a book (just recently published) which made so much sense, called Baby's Here, Who Does What? by Duncan Fisher (OBE). I would really recommend it to anybody with a new baby and people with older children aswell. So much of it resonated with my own life. For instance, he points out how a mother who immerses herself in children to the extent that there is little else in her life can suffer from low self-esteem. And there are lots of other things too, I always thought traditional roles were best for a relationship, but it seems this is not so ? couples who take this path are actually twice as likely to split up than couples who split earnings and childcare at least 60/40. It's so obvious when you think about it, because, as he points out, if one of you is doing one thing, and one the other, you gradually find that you have less and less in common with your partner's life ? and less understanding of what life is like for them.
If it was written by a woman, it could seem just another father-bashing book as it calls for men to play a much more active part in their children's lives and points out the benefits of this for all ? children who are less likely to turn to drugs or crime, mothers who get more support and help with the children, and the fathers themselves who form much closer bonds with their children that last a lifetime.
It brings up the issue too of whether fathers can be as good as mothers at looking after babies. This is such a tricky issue as I am one of those mothers who has always felt that the mother's bond is naturally just much stronger than a father's. When you've carried a baby for nine months, I just feel it is different. But reading this book made me realise something that I am still learning to remedy now ? 10 years on. I was one of those fiercely over-protective mothers who always felt that only I really knew our daughters' needs, but Fisher points out that in fact by always assuming this, you end up in danger of creating just that situation, by unconsciously pushing the father out and creating in him a sort of learned helplessness. This is so true, and exactly what I did in retrospect. In my defence, our eldest daughter has ADHD and was so exhausting and stressful that I became a neurotic mess and would always barge in and take control and take over because I wasn't making rational decisions anymore. But Fisher points out that in fact many mothers are better than fathers at looking after children simply because they spend more time with them, it is a matter of practice. But that fathers would be just as competent if they were given the chance and the opportunity. And that when fathers get sidelined in this way, they just retreat more into work or hobbies and get even less involved in family life. This is exactly what happened to us.
Don't get me wrong, my husband is a lovely and loving father and husband and we've both now recognised that this and have changed things. But one thing that I have really noticed since reading this book that really irritates me is that if we are out somewhere and he is with one of them and they are playing up (almost always), he will still call anxiously to me and make it my problem and ask me what to do. I used to feel like screaming and ended up just snapping at everyone, but have since gently pointed out to him that if the child who is playing up is with him, it is his problem and he has to deal with it. It is making a big difference to family days out ? he is more confident with the girls, I am more relaxed and the children are starting to recognise that they can go to him with a problem just as much as to me,
Anyway, I found so many lessons in this book that I really wish I had learned 10 years ago. Do read it, (it's an easy-to read and fascinating book). And do also think about one of it's other messages ? it's no selfish to put your relationship with your partner first, because having a stable loving relationship is the best thing you can do for your children.
I'd love to know what other mothers think about whether dads can be as good as mums...