Atheist/humanist parents - any tips for supporting a child who is fearful about death?

[Rumbled]

DS is nearly six, and a couple of times in the past six months or so, when the topic of death has come up, he has cried, said he doesn't want to die, doesn't want me to die, has then panicked and vomited. This happened today at an army museum (which he was excited to go to, I should add), where he was set off by a very personal exhibit about a soldier who died in battle.

I have always been gently matter-of-fact and calm about death being normal and natural for everyone, and hopefully a very long way off, and that things dying enables new things to live and grow. He's been happy with these explanations until recently.

Fellow atheists/humanists who don't "do" heaven with their children, how have you supported your children through their natural questions and fears about death? Does anyone know of any reassuring books on the subject?

Many thanks.

This probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but I don't think there is an easy way to explain or reassure them, as it really is a scary idea, even for most adults, except they have got used to not really thinking about it. It's one of the big human questions - why are we here, why do we die, what happens after we die - that religions were created to answer. Philosophers are still trying to answer it...

Unfortunately I have had to deal with this issue all too directly - DH died nearly four years ago, when DCs were aged 8 and 3. I am a lifelong atheist, but many of his family are Christian, so we had a church funeral. I explained to DS (then 8) that people had lots of different beliefs about death (heaven, reincarnation etc) but I believed that death was the end, and people just lived on as memories and in their genes (if they had children).

Obviously the issue has come up many times since then, and he does still sometimes struggle to accept it - asking 'what's the point in living if we're all going to die?' so we have long, philosophical discussions about it. I've also used the image from the end of the novel 'Bliss' by Peter Carey, where the central character dies and is absorbed into the air and the trees and landscape around - it's a more poetic way of visualising where Daddy is now that he's been cremated, apart from the box of ashes we buried.

But I haven't found any really good child-friendly books that deal with death without implying some kind of afterlife. Badger's Parting Gifts is perhaps the closest, but that doesn't really answer many questions.

However, from what I've heard, around six is a normal age for this issue to come up, and unless there is a death in the family, many children lose interest in the question after a while.

We're Roman Catholic in origin/ cultural roots but I'm a an atheist (Richard Dawkins was once my tutor!) and the DCs know that religions are based on 'beliefs', not evidence/ proof and that they can decide what to believe. One of my twin 9 yr old sons is particularly fearful about me dying as I'm all he and his brother have got, in the way of involved family (I'm a solo mother by choice). They've seen me go through my mother's death 5 yrs ago and my father's death 2 yrs ago. DT2 often gets v anxious and tearful at night if he thinks of me dying.

I think it's a developmental thing - a normal stage of being human. I also think that the fear dwindles as you grow up and then comes back when a close relative or loved one dies and you become more conscious of your mortality, as you get older too.

I try many different approaches with DT2. Mostly, I get him to focus on the present and perhaps something to look forward to tomorrow, to get him back to the here and now reality. Sometimes I reassure him that I'm unlikely to die until I'm much much older and he's independent. I also remind him that he's often seen me crying and upset about my parents deaths and yet I'm also happy and living life in the moment too and that it's OK to feel sad and to cry. So I'm a living example of someone still happy in their life, whilst also sad at having lost my parents.

Sometimes I just change the subject. Sometimes we'll have a philosophical discussion about death and 'play' with different ideas eg religious ideas of heaven, becoming one with all life, feeling nothing at all, so that when you're dead, it doesn't matter, as you're not scared anymore or aware of anything. Sometimes I remind him of all the things he's going to learn to do that will help him to live independently.

It just depends on the mood of the moment.

I think there should be more books on death and dying for children without religious beliefs. Maybe there are? Maybe we could write some? Maybe the Humanist Society might know of some?

Anyway, the key thing I think is that it's a normal developmental stage, like learning to walk and the less we as parents panic about it, the more our children will 'feel' reassured and OK about death. DT2 was also 6 when he began similar fears.

We have told DS (who is 4) that you turn into soil, flowers and trees and other animals, and in that way you go on living. I also say that a dead person is still there in everyone's memories and pictures and you still love each other even after it happens. When he asks about us dying I say that is why we try to eat good food, be careful crossing the road etc so we will live till we are old. Then one day we will be ready to die and feel very tired, and it will just feel like a nice rest.

But I agree it is very scary and still scares me now. Ultimately my philosophical conclusion is that we are alive for just a while, and what's most important is to try to be happy, kind to each other and have fun and enjoy as much of the world as we can. But at the same time acknowledge the fear and mystery as something we have to live with.

I've explained to mine the following

*when you die your spirit (cue hand pointing to your heart then your head) goes up into the sky and becomes a star so you can watch all the people you love and they can see you still shining on
*your body goes into the ground, because it stopped working properly, got broken etc.
*If we didnt die there would be no room for all the little fat squidgy babies and we'd all been squashed amongst millions of old people.

Its comforted my 5 year old so far.

I don't have any personal experience to offer but when a colleague at work died they bought this book for his children (3yr and 1yr) at the time

Personally I think books and pictures are sometimes the best way to explain or reassure lo's, words can be very abstract

Don't have experience of this yet as dd only 2, but I remember being scared as a child when I realised that people die. I was particularly scared of my parents dying and remember my mum telling me that they probably wouldn't die "for a very long time" or "until they were very old". Looking back, the problem with that was that all adults are very old to a child, and when she said 'a very long time' to me that meant in a few weeks time - I panicked about finding both my parents dead one morning. I'm planning on telling my dd that I will still be around until she's grown up and had children of her own - hopefully true, and at least it will maybe give her a more reassuring time frame.

I do think it's a natural phase to go through though.

Thank you all for posting some reassuring and helpful advice.

Fortunately, DS hasn't really wobbled about this again since Monday at the museum, although told me to play a different tune on the piano this evening because the one I was playing (which I thought was quite happy) was making him "think of death". Oh dear.

exexpat, I'm so sorry you lost your DH. You and your children must have gone through some very tough times in recent years. Thanks for your input, and I only wish it wasn't from such, as you say, direct experience.

Solo2, good suggestion about The Humanist Society. I had had a nose around their website and found a tiny bit of info about this, but maybe they do know of some books? Worth looking into.

Have looked at your book link suggestion too, verybusyspider. Looks good.

Thank you all again.

I've been trying to deal with this with my son who is only 2 yrs 9 months; his grandfather's second wife died last autumn and he keeps asking where she's gone, when we'll die, etc.

He's pretty good with numbers so while acknowledging that we don't know when we'll die, I've tried telling him most people live to about 90 if they don't get very, very sick or have an accident. I then remind him of our ages, emphasizing how far they are from 90.

I also told him about cremation and that we planted my grandmothers' ashes under a rosebush and in a wood to help the plants grow.

I also copped out and said some people believe in heaven or reincarnation, although Mummy and Daddy think they're probably just nice stories but untrue. He liked these ideas and today told me that when he dies his brain will float out of his head into the sky.

My mother, who is very elderly, has always talked to my children very openly about death - how if people didn't die there wouldn't be room for new people, and how when you dies you go back to the earth and help the flowers grow.

Penelope Leach, in 'Your Baby and Child', suggests many young children are most particularly worried by the very practical question of who will look after them if their parents do die prematurely, though they might not like to come right out and explain this in so many words. I do remember silently worrying about this myself as a child.

If you suspect this is a factor, Leach recommends coming right out and saying who you have asked to do this if the worst did happen; e.g. "We're really unlikely to die for at least 40-50 years, but if we did, Auntie X would look after you".

Haven't actually tried this myself as I don't want to put any extra fears into my young son's head that might not be there already.

It is a pity that it is such a taboo subject and one that people don't like talking about. I was widowed with a baby so I had to discuss it very early early in DS's life and I was amazed at his reasoning powers. I found that 5/6 yr old were very interested and asked me questions-it was their parents who were embarrassed. I think that you just have to be matter of fact, people get old and their bodies wear out and unfortunately people can have accidents/get ill before their body wear out, but stress that doctors can do a lot these days. I avoided any talk of heaven-it is meaningless to a child-if they are in a place then why can't you get them back?
I tend to stress that love and memories don't die. If they love the person after they have died and are not here then the person would still love them if not here and the person would want them to be happy, they would hate to think of them sad.
I agree with Fossilmum that you should stress that you intend to be around to see them grow old, but that xxxx would always look after them. I made sure that I had guardians in place.

DD (now 8) was a bit obsessive about it.
I tell her:

By the time it happens you don't mind (my death or her own). Maybe that's a white lie, but it's usually true, death is a blessed relief in most cases.

If we didn't have death, we couldn't have life. DD is getting more into science and I can start explaining how each life is an opportunity (gene mutation), but can't have those opportunities without deaths of previous designs.

The important thing is having a good life; always think about that. You can't change the fact of death, but you can change the quality of your life (or life quality for others).