How do we deal with this behaviour?

[SunFunMum]

DH and I have a 22 month old DS and Dh has a DD who is 9-almost 10. He sees her every second weekend.

I posted a while ago about the fact that DS had pinched her by accident whilst trying to get a toy from her, and she had a meltdown and went home and tried to rip up his picture hours after it had happened.

Now today, he has pulled her hair, and she turned around to us going "ow, OWWW", making sure we definitely heard. Then she started kind of making hitting actions towards DS, though she didn't actually hit him hard it was very softly.

I said "Don't hit him please, he doesn't mean to hurt you".
Then she started having a breakdown again and screaming at me "I didn't hit him!!". DH said, actually she didn't, so I asked what it was she was doing with her hands and she said she was trying to push him away - fair enough, but it didn't really look like that to me.
So I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I apologised, but she won't stop going on about it.

She's been stomping up and down the stairs, saying to her dad "Are we going on a bike ride or not?" Then she said "I don't even want to go any more as I have a headache/my head is stinging so much/it's so sore." She has said this about 10-15 times, inbetween bouts of tears, and "I want to go home".

It's quite obvious she is attention seeking, but I just don't know what to do about it. We have been trying to let her spend more time with her dad - they went swimming together yesterday morning, then on a long walk, went out to get sweets etc last night, and have now gone on a bike ride after her being taken to McDonalds for a treat lunch. All at her request.

I just do not know what to do about this behaviour going forward.

I know DS pulled her hair - but he is not even 2 and I have had my hair pulled pretty much every day since he was born and it has never hurt that much.

She's jealous.I assume she doesnt live with you as you say you see her on alternate weekends. See this from her perspective - It must be hard for her to imagine her dad being with your son on all those days she is not with him. When he hits her she expects you to step in and tell him off but instead she is getting told off and nothing is said to him.

I have no experience but I would suggest you give her a bit more time to adjust as 9/10 is a tricky age (stuck between a child and coming into start of puberty), get her involved with your DS if she wants, bathing./dressing that type of thing and tell her what a great sister she is. Make a fuss of her when your DS is not around (during his nap time), lots of special time with her dad. Also, you need to tellyour DS off for fitting her. If she sees him being excused (he doesnt mean to hurt you) - however true that maybe all she sees is his behaviour being condoned. At 22 months he is old enough to be told 'no hitting'. My DS is not much older and I have on a few occassions sat him on the 'naughty step' when he has hit his sister.

Most of all she needs you and/or her dad to talk to her about how she feels and know its normal to feel this way. She also needs to know her dad still loves her despite the new brother.

Thank you for your response.

DS never hits her. He has accidentally pinched her once when trying to get a toy, and pulled her hair today - never hitting.

Therefore I see no reason to be telling him off - he doesn't understand anyway.

I know she is jealous, but as I said in my post, we give her lots of time with her dad, plus she is always praised for being a good sister, and is given lots of treats and attention.

We have spoken to her hundreds of times about the way she feels, and her dad and I always reassure her.

Basically we have done all the things you have suggested, yet this behaviour still continues.

That's why we are so frustrated and unsure what to do next.

All you can do is what you're already doing - ignore the bad behaviour/drama queen stuff, and praise the good. You're doing everything right. It will pass - she's jealous as hell, she needs lots of reassurance that she's still loved and as your DS gets a bit older he'll become more interesting to her and they'll bond a bit more. And bear in mind that lots of girls are pretty horrible at that 9/10/prepubescent stage - they grow out of it.

Can you talk to her Mum about it?

Siblings without rivalry is a great book. I know she's a step daughter but a lot of the solutions/ ideas in there may help you as you deal with this and try and ease things. I also bought their other book at the same time called how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids will talk, or something similar. Both great books and are really helping me with things with my 2 DCs. It's opening my eyes to things I'd never ever considered before.

"Therefore I see no reason to be telling him off - he doesn't understand anyway."

IMVHO this is where you may have gone wrong.
Just because he doesn't fully understand you still talk to him right? you still tell him about what you are doing today, what the weather is like, etc? He doesn't really 'get' most of that does he? but you still do it right?

You need to be seen to tell him off.
Just as you would like to be seen to be getting him birthdya presents for eg, but know he won't care and would rather put money in his bank account, but you want others (DSD) to see him open presents so you choose things, wrap them up, go through the act of it all.

Do the same with discipline, hold his hand, move him away from her, look at him and say No. We don't pull hair (or whatever), That is a naughty thing to do, etc.etc.

Then she will see he is being treated the same.

I do this with DS2 even though he has no clue, DS1 sees and watches all....

Thank you.

I will have a look at those books.

Hassled - we have tried speaking to her Mum, but she is very much on the side of her daughter and also suggested that we smack our son or pinch him back if he pinched her.

I was pretty horrified to be honest and also furious so I don't think talking to her would achieve much!

JustKeepSwimming - sorry I didn't see your post before-just read it now.
We do normally tell our DS off in front of her if we think it is necessary eg. if he were to snatch something from her or intentionally lash out. It doesn't normally make any difference whether we tell him off or not - he gets upset because he doesn't understand why he has been told off as in his little mind he is just playing, and DSD still normally has a meltdown whether he is told off or not.
However my point was on this occasion, that both DH and I were watching what happened and it was just playful - perhaps we should have told him off this time, however I was more concerned with the massive overreaction on DSD's part.
She is 10 in a few months, and I just think it's a bit OTT to be crying for an hour because a toddler has given your hair a playful tug ???

What was your relationship like with your step-daughter before DS was born? Could it be jealousy about the amount of time you (yourself) are spending with DS now rather than having quality moments with her?

I was in a very similar situation a few years back, and it did a lot of damage to our relationship (got to the stage where I was constantly wary of her moods and couldnt trust her to be near him unsupervised when she was in one of those moods but then she would really hit him if she thought we werent watching, but as soon as she was home to her mum apparently he was the best thing since sliced bread).

It did get better, although not sure there was any one thing that made it better we tried quite a lot, and just naturally getting older helped as they were both disciplined the same way then.

Explaining the differences in what i expect from each of them and why helped her, and made it clear it wasnt some sort of favouritism (i.e. he is still learning right from wrong, but you know hitting is wrong which is why he gets a no dont do that its not nice and you get a consequence/time out).

It helped me to remember that she was still only a child and it must have been difficult for her to adjust to differing parenting styles (from her mum's house to ours), let alone going from being the youngest only child to being the big sister where she was missing out on lots of things (they forget that you have a life too when they arent there), especially when she was full of attitude.

Good luck, hope it all works out.

Could you somehow give her special responsibilities with him? Give her the job of teaching him x, y or z? Ask her to look after him for 15 minutes while you go in the shower? (to start small - or ask her to take him to the playground across the road). It's just an idea. Sometimes, if you give them the big signal: I really trust you and you're the person who is looking after him - you are caring for him and protecting him, then it gives everyone a bit of breathing space.

I feel a bit sorry for her in that she is clearly upset and feels hard done by. And she is still very young at 9/10 tbh. Im guessing it is probably quite difficult to feel part of your family unit when she is so part time. I remember very clearly feeling very much an outsider when I was in a similar situation (and I was 15!)

So could she visit more often? As others say, involve her as much as poss, try to spend time with her yourself (which Im sure you already do!)

Finally, I guess you could just ask her why she seems unhappy, during a quiet time when you and she are happily chatting or whatever. Perhaps she'll open up in a way her mum won't.

Agree with others that DS is old enough to be told to be more gentle/careful whatever. DSD really needs to see that they are treated the same if they hurt each other, accidental or not, and that you are willing to be on her side if she feels hard done by.

Hi Sunfunmum,

I don't have kids myself so you can tell me to bog off, but I have worked with children for 10years. I really agree with Simic.

If you tell her she is your helper, you couldn't do with out her and give her little responsibilities that you can reward her for she will feel important and the older sister he can't do without.

I know it may seem daft but I have seen this work with 6 years old and stroppy 16 year olds. I left one difficult child in charge of a group of 5 difficult students once while I answered a call and she had them lined up to use the holepunch when I got back!

Hope this helps!

DD is 2 and I do tell her off for doing things that hurt people, even if it is playful, they need to know it's not acceptable - maybe tell off is the wrong word if it was an accident, but I would say 'no, we don't pull hair', or 'that hurt mummy - say sorry'. I've been doing this since she was about 18 months.

At 22 months he is definitely old enough to understand, and to say sorry. I'm sure it must be really hard having a stepdaughter, and I do agree she is clearly overreacting to get attention, but you also do seem to have fallen into the trap of thinking the sun shines out of your DS and he can do no wrong!

I find it quite upsetting to read statements such as

"you also do seem to have fallen into the trap of thinking the sun shines out of your DS and he can do no wrong!"

This is absolutely not the case at all - he is told "no" when he does something wrong, but at the end of the day he is a toddler who is learning, and as he does not knowingly do these things, I don't think it is fair to be telling him "no, no, no" all day long. I prefer to save it for when he is really doing something naughty, so it has more impact.

On the other hand DSD is well aware of what is right and wrong and I suppose I just find it upsetting that after all the love, attention and care we have put into helping her adjust to the situation, she still acts in a way that both DH and I find OTT.

As for him saying sorry - he is only 22 months - he can only say certain words such as dog, cat, blah, blah - personally I think he is a bit young to be saying sorry.

Most friends of mine who have children of the same age would never manage to get a "sorry" out of their kids - one of them has never uttered a word yet at 21 months!

I guess we all have different styles of parenting, I like to be firm and teach right from wrong, but I also think he is at an age where he is exploring etc and I don't feel that constantly telling him off for minor things is the way forward.

Sorry Bringonthesun, I didn't answer your question - our relationship was good before I had DS - it has always been good on the whole, however there have always been bouts of aggression on her part - foot stamping, hand slamming, kicking, pushing - normally if she doesn't get what she wants.

DH can get very frustrated with her too - simple things like asking her to put her coat on - there is always a 15 minute argument before leaving the house because she won't ever do what she is told.

It has always been like this for as long as I have known her - long before DS came along.

I do worry about leaving her alone with DS because of this, though I do do find it interesting what curiouselle says and will try to look into doing something along those lines .

I don't think you have to "tell him off", but if he does something wrong, for your step-daughter's benefit, you could speak to him and say "no, don't do that", or similar. I see your point about not wanting to tell him off all day, but pulling hair is quite a serious thing, really, if it escalates, and I wouldn't blame her if she felt cross if no action was taken altogether.

You mention that she has been doing all this activity with her dad; it's possibly you she wants some attention from. My DSD was desperate for attention from me, I think, and it took me a while to realise it, not least because I was handling a perpetually crying/feeding newborn during the first year of our relationship.

In any case, she's in a tough situation. You and your son get to spend your whole time with her dad, and she gets to see him every couple of weeks. She is no doubt jealous, and probably feels very threatened. Good advice from PP who suggested getting her to help out with your son, etc, invest some love in him.

PS, my DSD was, and often still is, as difficult as you describe your step daughter being, if not more so. It is really hard to live with, and I do understand this.

Thanks MoChan.

I have actually suggested to DSD that we go to the cinema the next time she is over, just the two of us, and she seemed to like the sound of that.

I really feel like I am caught in the middle though because when I do nice things with DSD, we always get texts and phone calls from her mother after she's gone home, telling us not to do this and that, don't buy her this, don't take her there, I'm her mother, you are nothing to her etc.

I've had so much abuse over the years I guess maybe I am just trying to distance myself from the whole situation.

For those of you who are not a step-parent, I don't think there is any way of explaining how difficult it is to be stuck in the middle and never to seem to be able to do anything that can please everyone .

sorry, didn't mean to upset you! It's not so much telling them off as giving them guidance - if he never gets told 'no' for pulling hair he'll never know it's not acceptable. IMO, things that can hurt other people, like pulling hair, pinching etc do need addressing even if you know it's not purposeful - it might not hurt you but it will hurt another 2 year old! At 22 months he is not a baby anymore. Just my opinion though, no offence meant, just thought if your DSD sees him getting away with things in her eyes it will make it worse.

DD has been able to say sorry, or some version of it, for a while now, and she has just turned 2 - if you teach them the word they will learn it, just as you taught him cat, dog etc.

Thought I would just add that I do realise that you are in a very hard situation. It sounds like ex-wife is jealous too which isn't going to help things. You need to rise above that, you sound a sensible caring person (hope that doesnt sound patronising)and no doubt DSD would be easier if ex wife was easier. Try to shut ex out, mentally, and save your energy for your DS and DSD if you can. I think DSD's strops are a sign that she loves you lots and needs to feel she is as important as your DS. How you help her feel that I'm not sure. But it sounds like you are doing that stuff anyway, so maybe just more of it?

It's a difficult situation, because although I would never admit to it or show to her, I do naturally love my son more than DSD. I do love her, but it is easy for me to detach myself from her when she is not here. It is also very difficult for me to feel affection towards her when she snatches things away from DS and teases him (which is probably the reason for him pulling her hair etc, but if I feel I can't tell her off as she is not my child). Perhaps this is why I am reluctant to tell DS off - as I feel he almost has the right to this as he has been provoked (irrational I know, but instinctual).
There is a lot of history in that DSD's mum has on occasions prompted DSD to say nasty things to DH, and on one occasion DSD said that she wished she could kill me and DS .
I know she is only a child, and very jealous, but when you have that said about you and your baby (which he was at the time), it's difficult to forget.

This might seem like a big step but it sounds like it is really affecting you, maybe some family play therapy would help? A counsellor could give some perspective to both parents and children and give you a new direction?

I think it is no coincidence that she behaves badly ( testing you ) and that quite naturally deep down your love for your own child is stronger than the love for her.

I think children know this deep down stuff instictively at a very early age and act up as their way of high-lighting where they feel there are issues.

I hope am helping ?? But I feel this kind of situation can easily spiral out of control.
ie.
She feels less loved deep down ( Not your fault at all ! but however nice and totally fair you are to her she will ALWAYS be able to tell )
She is upset at being less loved (as everyone wants to be loved, especially by their own stepmum )
So because she is too young to deal with this in an adult way, say by asking you for re-assurance, instead she is naughtier and naughtier to get your attention and FORCE you to think about the situation.

Of course, then the more horrible she is, then she is much harder to love or even like ! It is a vicious spiral for all of you.

I was a very much the un-favourite when I was a child, so I think I recognise how she is feeling.

I hope my humble opinion is useful ? I find sibling rivalry in my own kids incredibly hard to handle without the added step family stuff !

Good Luck! The fact you are posting on her shows you do care and are trying to improve things.