do i have pnd or am i just being shit at this?

[bluesy]

i'm finding life really tough at the moment. i'm not quite sure what prompted me to do this, but i just had a look at the nhs website on PND and the list of symptoms has made me cry.

low mood for long periods of time (a week or more) YES
feeling irritable for a lot of the time YES
tearfulness YES
panic attacks or feeling trapped in your life THE LATTER, YES
difficulty concentrating YES
lack of motivation YES
lack of interest in yourself and your new baby YES (she is crawling around on the floor, amusing herself, right now)
feeling lonely YES
feeling guilty, rejected or inadequate YES
feeling overwhelmed YES
feeling unable to cope YES
difficulty sleeping and feeling constantly tired YES (but dd doesn't sleep)
physical signs of tension, such as headaches, stomach pains or blurred vision YES
lack of appetite NO (the opposite, i'm eating tonnes of rubbish)
reduced sex drive YES

so, on the one hand i'm thinking should i go to the gp?
otoh, surely this is all par for the course with 2 young dc, a dh who works really long hours and no other family nearby? i HATE my life at the moment and don't know how to go about fixing it (well, i really just want to be on my own for a while, but i know that won't happen - am bf). but is it an illness?

sorry for rambling, have thrown myself with my stupid googling and now don't know what to think.

have namechanged.

How old is the youngest?

7 months, sorry
also have a 2.6yo

Go to the GP, I didn't realise how bad PND was until I was out of it. It will help you to enjoy this time rather than just suffer it. Really.

I echo Mongolia - go, even if it's not PND as such, you are obviously down and need some help and support - just talking will make you feel better - Oh and tell your DH how you are feeling.

Could anyone from your family/close friends come and stay for a while? just for a couple of days to help out with some chores and give you some adult company?

Have you joined any groups?

I've wondered this about myself. Hard to separate the inevitable feelings when not getting much sleep and dealing with 2 small children without much support or adult company

I agree that you should probably go to your gp or speak to your hv if you get on with her.

Try to see if you can figure out a bit of time to yourself (biggest gap between feeds if you're exclusively bf'ing, maybe a bigger gap if you're willing to express and let dh give a bottle of ebm?). Even if all you do is take a paper and sit in a cafe (have done this) or go to the cinema (dream of this though would certainly fall asleep)

yes, go to see your GP.

Do you get a break when your DH is not at work? Can you arrange for extra help, local nursery staff often babysit so even if you were still at home you could have company and an extra pair of hands to shower in peace / do paperwork / cooking.

Prob you should go to the GP anyway. If you think that they are not going to be an arse to you and make you feel worse. I know what you mean though 'am I depressed or is my life just shit'? Having had it both of those options I judge it by whether I feel like doing anything that would make me feel happy. When I am depressed I don't enjoy anything at all, and if you siad to me, 'here, your DC will be in first classs childcare, have an afternoon off, what do you want to do?' I wouldn't be able to tell you.

If my life is just shit then I know precisely what it is I want to do.

thanks!

i do get out and see people, music group, etc, but i've become useless at arranging anything more than about a day ahead. most days i wake up and think "what the hell are we going to do today?" and my toddler is getting increasingly naughty, mostly down to boredom, i suspect . i just have no energy. i am really starting to resent having no control over my life and i hate myself for feeling so cross with the dc because they're so lovely.

feel reluctant to talk to anyone. i've told dh a few times that i'm really unhappy but it doesn't go anywhere - he tries to sort out the immediate situation but it doesn't touch the underlying misery i'm feeling about how unimportant i feel i've become (eg this week he calmed me down over the phone when i burst into tears because all the buses were too full for my double buggy and told me to get a cab... but nothing more's been said about it).

that sounded bad about dh. i've not been too open with him tbh. when he's here, he's absolutely hands-on with dc, tries to give me a lie-in as dd is up several times every night. but he's not here very much: not really at all during dc waking hours in the week and sometimes has to work at weekends. so i'm also really aware that he works very hard too and is tired and it can't just be me who gets "time off", plus i want time as a family as there's so little time when we're all together.

i do have some childcare for toddler but no one i can leave baby with. she will take a bottle of ebm but dh is very very rarely home early enough for me to go out.

No probs about sounding bad about your DH - I am currently trying to cope with AND, so know the feeling, that although they aren't really helping, you know that you aren't telling them the full story so how on earth could they help!

Is there any family who could stay for a couple of days?
Or could your DH take a weeks holiday and you all just spend some time at home together - he can see on a day to day level what you are going through plus it might also just help to give you that boost to re-organise your life again.

With the nice weather, suggest to some friends with DC's that you all just go to the park don't worry about anything else, just enjoy the day.

Oh and also, although you want to spend some time as a family, don't feel bad about asking DH to have the baby for the day and arrange something nice for yourself to do - something to look forward to...a pamper day or something?

I do completely understand all the pressures on time etc but you do need to do something for yourself (if not every week then something, some time). Good point by nagoo, if you were offered the chance of a few hours to yourself, what would you feel like doing?

I think this is a really hard stage. I found it incredibly difficult as the broken nights start to cumulatively take their toll.

Speak to your gp anyway.

Think about options to get help/support in the day. I know you say you have groups and stuff to go to, do you have any friends/other mums so you can try to build up more structure to your week. I know exactly what you mean about not planning ahead - we're having a totally rubbish Friday because there's nothing regular on a Friday and so I can't be bothered, the children are bored and pick up on it, etc etc. Just being at someone else's house or at hte park together or something can feel much easier than being at home by yourself.

That way you might get to know someone who could maybe look after the baby while your eldest is at nursery so you can get a nap or some small amount of time to yourself maybe?

You are NOT being shit

Is there any way you could carve out some time for yourself regularly?

Swap babysitting with a friend, or use a childminder half a day a week, or something?

IMO it would help to be open with your DH but it's hard because he can't pitch in when he's not around (obviously!) and he may feel powerless to help which isn't nice - my DH used to say this to me when I had PND - I was glad we were communicating but it didn't make me feel any better.

IME men want to fix things, as you say, and if they can't then they don't really know what to do.

Is there any way you could go to your GP with your DH? could he take a day off work and go with you? He could support you and also feel more involved.

I would say ask for help, but try and get as much support and help from family and friends first, because the symptoms you describe could also be common symptoms that a lot of parents feel who are not getting enough sleep, not getting enough nutrition, not getting enough time to enjoy all the parts of your life. So taking tablets for something which could be a mild problem might make it worse. Ask some close family or close friends if they can spend a few days with you, or a week, to help out, so you can get enough sleep and enough nutrition. Your mind and your body are directly connected to each other, you will be drained and you need to replenish it.

I had a 15month gap, and it was HARD at the begining. Similar to you I had no childcare help and dh was working 7days most weeks. I felt very low and considered that I may have PND. However, once youngest was 4 months everything became much easier and I became happier again (not every day!) So I would definately go and see your GP as it's obviously not passing. The biggest best change I made, which now makes me mostly happy was starting work 2 days a week when youngest was 6 months old. We also bf and still are and it has been totally manageable. He just catches up when I get home. You could really look at your nutrition and getting some exercise/sunshine etc to help your mood too. But please visit you GP and hugs, it will get so much better soon I'm sure.

thanks all - just trying to catch up. i appreciate it.

nagoo, 'am I depressed or is my life just shit?' is exactly it. most of the pnd symptoms listed seem to fit... but then they can all be explained by the relentless of life with two young dc and a busy dh, so is it just a case of ploughing through (not a cheery thought).

i will be going back to work but i don't want the next few months to be this grinding .

thanks for all the suggestions. i am in fact doing a lot of them - i meet with friends, i go to the park. i do need to get a few more things planned in advance so the really rubbish days are less frequent (our day today sounds much like yours, NorkilyChallenged). i do need to look at what i'm eating - i'm surviving on sugary stuff a lot of the time because i'm just so tired.

what would i want to do with a day/afternoon to myself? tbh i don't know, but i would want to be on my own. is that weird?

muchkinland, no chance of dh being able to take holiday for a while, unfortunately.

but your comment here
"it might also just help to give you that boost to re-organise your life again"

has just really struck a chord. that's what i feel i need - to be able to step out of this constant state of living according to everyone else's needs (because although dh is a good man, it's inescapable that my life is run according to his work timetable and the dcs' needs)... i don't know, just press pause on it all and come back when i'm feeling better.

does that even make any sense?

Yeah sugary stuff wont be helping because it gives you an instant boost in your blood sugar levels and then a massive drop - if you dont have much time then just make sure your eating complex carbohydrates: wholemeal bread, oats, wholegrains and at least one glass of orange juice (not from concentrate) and protein, probably chicken.