How much do your children help?

[Boo321]

I have four children, a daughter aged 11,2 sons 9 and 7 and an 18mth old.I work a little and most of the time have an aupair who would help generally clearing and tiding up.I feel that it is important for the children to understand that they need to help in the general scheme of family life but always run into confrontation when I ask for help. My daughter is great at helping with the baby ,chivying her brothers along and even does a bit of ironing for me but always on her terms,if she is not in the mood forget it!one son is more willing and the other very good at being busy when needed.Sometimes it seems easier to do it myself,especially if they are playing nicely(rare)but I just don't feel thats fair on me or them as they will not be prepared well for adult life and surely it is important for them to start assuming some resposibility,no matter how small. As a child I was always expected to help with laying /clearing the table and would never have dreamt of walking away leaving a huge mess.
How much do your children help you and how do you manage it without world war 3 breaking out?

[Mooma]

When I was very ill earlier this year, my parents came to stay, to help run the home, do school runs etc (dh works some distance from our home). I was able to observe my kids (15,13,10 & 5) and was appalled at how little they did, unless prompted, to help with even the most basic household tasks. It was a real eye-opener, and I knew that it was in part my fault, because I'm the world's worst for thinking it's easier to do things myself.
I do think it's partly down to personality, in that some people are more selfish and less observant than others.
Even after my parents went home, I was still very weak, and the kids had to do more or it didn't get done. Gradually things fell in to a pattern of designated chores and responsibilities, and the crux of this was tying the chores to pocket money, ie financial incentives. I know we would all like to think that our kids would do things for love, and some will, but if you want to get every personality type used to helping around the house, in my experience there has to be some tangible reward, however small.

[Binza]

This is such a bugbear with me that I'm glad someone has brought it up. I sometimes think that maybe I expect too much from my children but on the whole it's only small tasks I'm asking them to do. Mine are 10,8 and 2 1/2 and we are having such battles with the older two.Their bedrooms are tips,and that's putting it mildly, and when I ask them to tidy up I get all the "it's MY room" treatment.I only want to walk from one side to the other without breaking my neck on assorted pens,pencils, jewellry, books, clothes etc! If I let it go the whole storage system they've perfected ie chuck it all on the floor, spills out to other areas of the house. I ask them to set the table and immediately an argument starts about whose turn it is - the same with the washing up. I printed out a list of chores they had to do before the tv went on after school - just little things like getting changed and emptying their lunch boxes. Great for about two weeks and then I had to constantly be on the warpath to get them to do it.Like Boo123 I often do things myself to avoid the row but then I beat myself up about it later. I don't know what the answer is but once again this summer holiday I'm going to make a supreme effort to get them to help out a bit more. We don't have a dishwasher because my husband enjoys washing up and they use that as an excuse not to do any themselves. In fact the 2 1/2 yr old is better at tidying away his toys than either of the other two put together! The only saving grace is that when they go to other peoples houses they are polite and helpful. I just wish some of it came my way once in a while but maybe that's another pleasure of being a parent!!

[Boo321]

Glad to hear that I am not the only one with stubborn children!Binza I'm like you with all sorts of good intentions for the holidays which have usually disappear in the first few weeks .I am trying a new approach at the moment in that each has a little task that is done daily eg feeding the dog.So far so good (day 3!!)
Mooma,when my friend was unwell and took to her bed her eldest took over,15,cooked tided etc,etc.All her kids help I don't know how she does it...

[Binza]

Batters, I did try that for a while but after about a week of ignoring the clean,ironed clothes left outside for them I eventually had to venture in to put said clothes away.I just know what's on the other side of those bedroom doors - like people in horror movies who always go looking for trouble I'm just drawn to going in whether I want to or not! As I said if I ignore the bedrooms they then think they have every right to treat the living room,kitchen etc in the same way and then I have mountains of clearing up to do. Believe me I'm not the tidiest of people myself but I draw the line at using the floors as storage areas!
Boo123 our dog would starve if I left it to the kids to feed him! Good luck to you though if it's working in your house.

[Chelle]

I don't have much experience with this from the parents side (son is only 2) but I do remember that we did a lot of stuff at home for Mum and Dad. Mum had a roster on the fridge for who had to do what jobs on what day, and if the jobs weren't done, we were not given pocket money/allowed to watch favourite TV show/go out at weekends etc (whatever had been previously arranged). I remember clearly that if the dog wasn't fed then we were not fed dinner until she was! All three of us, not just the one who's turn it was to feed her! It seemed to work and all three of us (2 girls, 1 boy) are fairly well housed-trained these days!

[Tigermoth]

Boo123, Mooma and Binza, as mothers of older children, when did you first start asking your children to do chores?

For some years I have tried to get my son, aged 7, to clear away toys he has just played with, and I have given him a brush and dustpan if he has spilled something. Varying degrees of success here!

However, so far I have rarely asked him to help with simple housework, or assigned him household duties. I still feel that from a safety point of view I can't trust him. eg: washing up/ breaking crockery. Hoovering/running over the flex. Making a cup of tea/spilling boiling water on himself. Sweeping the kitchen floor/poor broom control resulting in more breakages etc.

I also concur with Mooma's observation that a bribe works better than simply relying on his good nature. This has been my experience in some other areas of my son's life.

Traditionally by the age of 7, weren't children expected to do a proper days work with their families, both inside and outside? Even my husband, from the age of six, used to make a breakfast of toast and tea, unsupervised, and carry it on a tray to his parents. I wouldn't dream of letting my son near a kettle.

[Mooma]

As my kids have grown up, I've come to realise that my expectations are sometimes wildly out of touch with their abilities, and that I tend to underestimate what they are capable of, particularly the younger ones. They surprise me by how much they pick up by observing how things are done. Most children (and people in general) tend to rise to high expectations, or coast along if no demands are placed on them. Tigermoth, I know what you mean about 'helping' creating more mess, but your son will never become more capable without having the opportunity to practise and perfect his skills.
If my children want to bake, I give them free run in the kitchen, with the proviso that they have to clear up everything afterwards. I have realised that they can tidy far better than me!
My 5 yr old son absolutely loves doing chores provided they are real (ie: not manufactured to keep him quiet). His jobs at the moment include making porridge each morning for his Dad (in the microwave) and getting his own warm milk and cereal. All this gives him a real sense of achievement. (There is one exception; he hates tidying up toys, so this has to be done jointly as a 'race').
BTW, not all incentives have to be financial. Sometimes I trade chores for doing something they want to do afterwards, a lift somewhere etc. Also, one of my daughters loves verbal praise and positively glows when she receives it!
One of my girls lives in a tip, and it does annoy me, but I don't interfere, because it's her mess and she has to learn to deal with it herself. About once a month it all gets too much even for her!

[Tigermoth]

Mooma, I have just read your message with much interest. I know very few people who have older children (I'm an 'expert' parent up to 7 years - from then on it's a total mystery to me) so all information gratefully recieved.Thanks!

Just a quick question. You say your 5 year old gets his own warm milk and cereal. Does he warm the milk in the microwave or in a saucepan on the cooker? We don't have a microwave, and I'm pretty ignorant about them. Are they reasonably child friendly?

[Winnie]

Mooma, I completely agree with you on this subject children are often greatly underestimated. My daughter (11) cooks family meals for 4+ once or twice a week. She also cooks 'treats' too. She helps with the laundry, she'll wash up from time to time (and always after herself)and is fantastic with the baby. However, she doesn't have specific jobs to be done at a specific time and she is only occassionally given an incentive in monetary terms for instance when asked to clean the bathroom from top to bottom when it was desperately in need of a clean! She has never refused or made a fuss and sometimes offers to help in small ways. For example she is often the first to ask guests if they would like a cup of tea or coffee. However, her room is a completely different matter. I have always had the laid back approach. It is her room and therefore how she lives in it is up to her. However, she lives in a pit and I am seriously concerned that it is a health hazard. And about a year ago I chnged tactics. It has become the biggest issue between us as she is always doing it and it will be tidy (her idea of tidy)for precisely one day and then things are completely back to normal!! This has lead to one marathon clean up sessions which lasted until midnight with her vowing that it would never happen again ... within days it was back to normal. We have tried everything from bribery to withholding privileges. Nothing works. I am becoming more and more resigned to it and for all of those of you who think it can't be that bad I have many friends who say this (with children of their own)and then they encounter it and they simply cannot believe it. Ho hum... no one is perfect! Suffice to say her room has become a talking point and I look foward to the day we can sell it as modern art (all offers considered!)...

[Mooma]

Tigermoth - my son does his milk in the microwave. This has to be supervised to make sure he enters 40 seconds and not minutes!! Actually, it has helped a lot with his reading and numeracy, as he has to put the porridge on medium for 4 mins, so he now knows how to read high, medium, mins and secs I am always in the room, because obviously he could heat things up dangerously if he set the time or heat too high.
Winnie - your daughter sounds an absolute gem and if she is as helpful as you say, I would overlook the bedroom situation. (Easier said than done, I know from experience). Friends with adult children say that the pit-dwellers usually turn into paragons of virtue once they have their own homes!

[Boo321]

Winnie ,your daughter sounds amazing,is she the eldest?Is it something that she has always done or have you had to ask her in the past?I wonder what is going on in her room though,it seems a shame to fight about it when she is so helpful in every other way.Maybe its like trying to stop biting your nails by just biting one(if you know what I mean!)
Tigermoth I think thats where I went wrong,I hardly ever asked them to help until they were a lot older,probably not until I had the last baby and really needed the help, by then it is all too late and I have to constantly nag even to get them to take their own plates to the dishwasher.
Chelle,I like the idea of the rota on the fridge, was this changed daily or weekly.Iam hopeless with finacial rewards as I only give pocket money once a month and would have trouble remembering.

[Binza]

Just caught up with the latest messages.Winnie at first when I started reading yours I was going to ask if I could send my two daughters to you for training but then I realised that you have the "bedroom problem" as well. However in other respects she sounds a very helpful and well mannered young lady.I do think if I didn't have the constant confrontations with mine everytime they're asked to do anything I could live with their bedrooms being pits. My children must be the only one's on this planet who don't get pocket money so that cannot be used as a lever,but I have taken away other things eg tv time and computer time when things aren't done. My problem is that it sometimes seems as if I'm always either threatening or banning something and that gets ME down. I'm always the one to dole out the ultimatums and so I do avoid asking. As to ages when I started asking them to do chores I suppose it was about 7yrs. As very young children (2 yrs) I have always made a point of teaching them to tidy away one lot of toys before anymore can come out and they have all been very good at sticking to that rule. I'm trying to teach them to think of others really eg helping me out at busy times like teatime by emptying their lunch boxes and I have explained it to them in exactly that way. It's not something that comes naturally to them though, especially if there is some other distraction. Over the bedroom issue it hit me hard because the eldest had always been a very tidy child and then suddenly almost overnight she became a bag lady! She hoards anything and everything - incase they come in useful!( I think this is genetic as my mother,grandmother and me have all been pretty similar) I eventually got her to tidy it this time by telling her that she couldn't invite any friends round as I would be too embarassed about the state of her room.It worked this time but I'm not sure how long for. It might be worth a try Winnie. We're just getting into the cooking thing and promises of tidying up afterwards usually amount to them persuading "daddy" to do it. Arrrrg! Undermined again!

[Yazz]

Hi everyone! This is a great website!
I have a 7 year old girl who enjoys helping out. Basically I don't have a set list of jobs for her to do. I have talked to her about the importance of family and helping out and that everyone plays an important part in contributing and has some responsibility towards the family. She helps to set and clear the table at mealtimes (after doing it for so long it becomes automatic so I no longer have to remind her), she enjoys folding the washing occasionally and loves to help prepare meals. She is also very good with the baby and keeps her entertained whilst I finish doing something. Her room, I am pretty laid back about, I encourage her to put something back when she has finished with it, which doesn't always happen but a tip I found useful was adding it into the bedtime routine,especially if she only has a couple of things to put away. And when her room is a disaster area I usually help out and we do it together. Sometimes it is a bit too much to expect a younger child to manage on their own if there is a really big mess, they can get frustrated and not know where to start. Over the years I have found that being consistent and having a few routines have helped a great deal. Also starting when they are very young with very simple tasks helps too.

[Marina]

Winnie, your daughter sounds a complete treasure and you must be very proud of her thoughtfulness and responsibility. We were always nagged about tidying, but my mum stereotyped me as the brainy dreamer (my younger sister was mummy's little helper) so I went off to university totally clueless, unable to cook, not sure how to work a washing machine, rubbish at ironing - all I could do was wash up. Quite apart from being helpful to their parents, these children are acquiring life skills. Our son's only two, but we try and involve him in chores where appropriate, explaining what we're doing etc, and he helps carry washing out to the line and unload the dishwasher already.

[Winnie]

Marina, I think you have pin pointed my reasoning with regard to children helping. It is about acquiring life skills. From the earliest ages we encourage children to dress themselves etc., cooking etc., is simply an extension of this. I would be mortified if my childs culinary skills were limited to pot noodle and toast from a toaster. Male or female children need to learn the basics. I have to say I have never really consciously decided 'right this week she learns x' it just seems to happen if and when. As for the bedroom... I think I'll endeavour to remain as laid back as possible about it ... until the next time she's lost her homework, swimming kit, hairbrush etc... I do have to say however that I am often struck by how little my daughters friends do (which on occassion has made me feel slightly guilty) but she is fine with it.

[Winnie]

Boo321, in answer to your question, my daughter was an only child until last year. It will be interesting to see how the baby develops in this area as he grows up!

[Benjie]

My son is just 2 and already likes helping around the house. If I'm doing the housework I just give him a clean duster and he will spend ages going around wiping surfaces down! He also likes to sweep up, help with the washing up (supervised of course) and will also help tidy his toys away!!

It seems important to him to be able to help, I suppose he looks on it as a different sort of 'playing'. Long may it last!!

[Roglyn]

Just picked up this thread. My experience is like Tigermoth's - I shudder at the thought of letting my 8 and 6 year olds near a kettle, and clearing up just results in my having to do it again. They do clear away after they've eaten though. The little one likes cooking but has to be nagged to clear up. When I was a little girl I loved to help but they just aren't interested....do other mums have boys that help??

[Binza]

Success! I thought I'd trust my 10yr old near the kettle yesterday and I instructed her in the art of "making mummy a cup of coffee" and she past with flying colours. So far this phenomenon has happend twice! Let's hope the novelty doesn't wear off too soon! I've also stuck to my guns over getting them to do a bit more around the house during the school hols and so far they've done the washing up morning and evening without too much wining.AND having thrown a bit of a strop at luchtime about "when's my holiday going to start?" I've got a promise that Dad and two older daughters will do all the cooking when we go away later in the holiday. One happy Mum.

[Winnie]

Good for you Binza!

[Tigermoth]

All these messages have convinced me I should make a start on introducing my 7-year old son to the delights of household chores.

Bearing in mind he's a bit clumsy around things containing liquid, and has been brainwashed into not touching anything hot or electrical (and we want to continue with this) what specific tasks do you think I should give him? and, how should I 'sell' them to him? Any advice?

[Mooma]

Clearing the table after meals or laying it beforehand, emptying rubbish bins, bringing dirty washing to the machine from the laundry basket, carrying food shopping in from car to kitchen, drying up or emptying dishwasher. (I'll stop - your child will hate me!!)

[Boo321]

well done Binza,it will surely pay off.My daughter brought me a cup of tea in bed the other day(my birthday)which was great thou we have had a few cups of luke warm revolting tea when she boiled the kettle,went off to watch tv and then
made the tea without reboiling the kettle Yuck!! In a similar vein how much do you do to get your kids organised,eg pe kit ,instruments, homework etc etc.In my experience girls seem to get it together and orgsnise themselves whereas the boys need lots of help(does it ever change??)
Roglyn,I have boys who help but need a lot of nagging or huge incentive!

[Tigermoth]

Thanks Mooma, in the tidying, fetching and carrying area there is just SO much scope, isn't there? Though I'm sure my son won't think the same way. He's already a bit wary of mumsnet - I think he worries that it's a source of fresh ideas and support for me as far as his general disclipline goes, like having a lot of virtual aunts and teachers - all on my side, not his!