How to parent a challenging 2-year-old better

[angel1976]

I know there is a better way to do this so please, I would like some ideas! I have a 2.3 year old DS1, he is absolutely gorgeous, very smart, very funny and also extremely challenging. When he is good, he is absolutely a joy to spend time with. When he is bad, god, I would rather bang my head on a brick wall than parent him (but I don't have a choice do I?).

I know some of his behaviour is very typical of a 2-year-old and it's not known as the terrible twos for nothing blah blah blah but he really can press buttons. I don't think anyone can deny he can be a real handful.

Example 1: During bath-time, he would continually splash water, despite being repeatedly being told no. He will then climb the bath to reach the sink and having my back turned for all of 2 seconds, he has gotten hold of toothpaste and smearing it all over the bath. He gets told off, he stops and the next second, he's climbing to reach the soap and it just goes on and on. It's relentless. I get so angry sometimes as I just want him to listen to me once. I suppose it doesn't help that I have a 6.5-month-old DS2 to tend to as well.

Example 2: We got him a sand and water table. His little friends come over to play. Why is DS1 the only one to end up soaking wet with sand everywhere? He is also the only one to mix the sand and water together within the space of seconds. Attempt to empty everything onto the ground or/and chuck all the play stuff on the ground too.

Wring this, he sounds really ill-behaved but he isn't. He just seems to want to do something all the time. He just doesn't seem to have a 'off' button. He is a very clever boy, very verbal and I definitely don't think his behaviour is out of the realms of normal, I just need to change how I react to his behaviour as I seem to end up a shouty mess at the end of the day! Naughty step works with him but it can't be used all the time (eg. bath-time). It's more how I change the way I react to him, I keep shouting at him as I get so angry and I don't want him to learn to do that but it's so bloody hard! Any advice? Thanks!

he sounds just like my 2.5 yr old! he's a bit of a nightmare lol

you're right that he is just being a normal toddler and tbh I think that a lot of the time what you need to do is prevention rather than trying to stop behaviours.
at 2.5 their impulse control is um, well, not that developed yet. so repeatedly telling him not to splash water just doesn't work because it's so much fun and he just can't help himself!

sooo... put towels on the floor, or an old shower curtain or something. Put anything you don't want him to reach out of the way.
get everything you might need right where you can reach it

as for sand and water table... well that's a pick your battles one! mine gets regularly tipped over, and if he isn't doing that he's digging mud into it from the garden, or using the water to throw all over the patio doors (often mixed with sand/mud)
quite frankly i am just glad he is happy and having fun and entertaining himself!

so my top tips are:
pick your battles.
relax- it doesn't matter if he gets thte soap does it?
try and prevent as much as you can

it IS hard, esp when you have others to look after as well (i have an older one and a younger one)
i find ds2 is better when we are out, and when i spend time doing stuff with him... but it is fairly tiring!

I have a challenging DS, who is no less challenging now (aged 8) than he was at 2.3.

Big disclaimer: this is all easier said than done.

But, that said: don't shout. It is rewarding him with attention (but you know this).

Splashing: if he splashes and it offends you, warn him that he will be taken out of the bath if he repeats the behaviour. He will repeat the behaviour - so you take him out. No further warnings.

Climbing the bath: remove everything from his reach (I still have to do this now!!)

He is a 2.3 year old boy: he is not going to listen. Some do, I gather, but most don't. My daughter listened more at 6 months than DS does now.

Sand table: my DS would have been covered in wet sand too, so I share your pain. First of all: does it matter? If it does then, again, it's a clear warning: you need to keep the sand on the table, or you will have to go inside for two minutes. Again, do it without further warnings.

The thing I've learnt over eight very hard years is to ask every time: does it matter? Is it hurtful/dangerous/rude/aggressive, or is it 'just' very, very annoying? Does it get to you so much because after a 12 hour day of dealing with small, wilful children you would really, really like them to do what you ask just once?

If it's 'just' intensely annoying, you have to find ways to let it go. If it's dangerous or hurtful to your son or anyone else, he has to be removed without any further attention. I'd say 2.3 was very young for naughty steps, but if it works for you, then use that as the sanction.

As I say, all much easier said than done. I had shouted four times in my life before DS was born; now I shout about twice a year (and that's a lot for a non-shouter). I feel like shouting about a thousand times a day, so I share your pain. I gather it does all get easier at some point...

Ok, I know I shouldn't shout but I usually keep quite calm most of the day. I drove to Greenwich Park with the two of them because DS1 loves it usually and within half an hour of getting there, DS1 wants to go home. Fine, even though DS2 has just fallen asleep, I wake him up and we go home. The sand/water table thing didn't bother me too much either, I just stripped him off and put down an old towel and let him play. Things started to go awry a little when we went to the corner shop, we got an ice-cream to share, DS1 got frustrated and threw the cone on the floor and then got upset when I tried to throw it away. I let him eat it. Then bath-time came and it was all hell break loose. I do think at that stage, we are all tired and suddenly, I become shouty mum from hell.

thisisyesterday - Hats off to you for having two others to deal with. No way I am ever having a third child, we are very lucky that DS2 is very chilled, laid-back and smiley (complete opposite to DS1!). It does matter he gets the soap as he will then rub it into his eyes (never mind he's done this a couple of times) and cries in pain. I do try to keep most things out of his reach but because I have them both in the bath, I try to keep the shampoo and soap within arm's reach. Argh!

OracleOfDelphinium - Please don't tell me it doesn't get better... I had a mummy friend over the other day, her DS just played by himself the whole time she was over, with two of DS1's toys. DS1 would have taken everything out of the toy box and left the room in complete tatters. One of my best friends here said to me, yes, but your DS1 will probably be easier to deal in the long run (I can so see it, he will be a very popular boy and very independent if I don't kill him first) but that doesn't help right now. And hats off to you for having only shouted twice this year, I must have shouted 10 times today... I do tell myself every evening that I will do better as a mummy tomorrow. But it's so difficult...

Thanks for your advice though, it does help clarify things in my head better and it helps to know I am not the only one.

angel, my eldes is like your friend's child. never made huge messes, plays nicely by himself, so ds2 was a HUGE shock to the system lol

it;s very wearing having a boisterous one isn't it?
i shout far more than i ought to as well, although i'm trying not to after reading an article about shouting being the new smacking!

I think one thing I am going to do is try and get him booked into tumble tots or something like that... maybe a regular place to burn himself out will helkp????

I find a four-mile walk (minimum) every day helps.

I think my DCs must have been about one and three when I used to go to bed every night thinking: "I will do better tomorrow..."

Sounds very familiar. But I do think boys at that age have enormous amount of energy (and some girls too) but in my group of friends, everyone else seemed to have sedate, perfect children that were quite happy to sit and draw/colour/play quietly. But that rarely cut it with my ds at that age. We discovered that he needed as many constructive activities and outlets for his energy as possible. If that meant going to the park at 7.30am on a freezing March morning, then so be it. We became far more of an outdoors family, going for walks, going for picnics, taking our bikes (with ds in a toddler seat obviously!)to the shop instead of the car. We just turned everything we could into an adventure, made him walk as much as possible and sought out big open spaces whenever we could. The fresh air and exercise seemed to be exactly what he needed.

Now he's 4, he still has boundless energy, but if we involve him in simple tasks and make him feel useful he responds so well. For example, he spent over an hour with dh on Sunday morning "helping" to unload growbags from the car, hoovering out the boot, sweeping the path, picking up hedge cuttings etc He was happy as larry because he could run around, dh made up games as they went along (hedge clippings became aeroplanes that needed to land in the garden waste bag etc). Mentally and physically, it can be exhausting, but it beats being shouty mummy that's for sure.

He is 2.5 yrs but will certainly understand that if he does something again then he is removed from the situation. e.g. if he stands up in the bath to grab toothpaste etc then he will be removed. Maybe you can get him bathed first and quickly so he doesnt have the chance to grab anything.
Its hard wen you have a baby too. (have been there !)
It does sound a little bit of this is attention seeking behaviour. Try to praise him for all the good things he does and play down the bad.
He is not too young for the naughty step .Just give him good warning if he does something again then he will go there. My youngest son is 9rs and still goes there when he behaves badly. I have parented for 22 yrs and looked after kids for 30 yrs and i really feel that being firm is the best way. If he cries cos you have repremanded him then ignore. But give him lots of love and hugs for good behaviour and set an example by speaking to him in a good calm voice, as how you speak to him he will copy.
I know its hard wen they have got your blood boiling. ! However, be consistent and carry out what you warn you will carry out. He will still love you, and he will know you love him. . . no matter how you stick by your guns and carry out punishments. Tell him at bedtime how special he is and that you love him very much and thats why you want him to be a nicely behaved good boy.

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments! He really is a lovely boy. This morning, as we were getting to do the nursery run, DS2 threw up all over me and himself and I asked DS1 to run and get one of DS2's muslin cloths and he did! It was so cute, he ran into the living room, found it, came to me and asked 'This one, mummy?'

thisisyesterday - We do so much we are usually exhausted before he is! On Sunday, DH took him food shopping for a picnic, then to the park where they kicked a ball around for ages, played in the playground, had a picnic. He refused a nap so we took him to the mini steam railway near us where he proceeded to ride endlessly on the steam trains, then we went to a friend's house for a barbie where he proceeded to run around naked in the garden, going mad in the wading pool! I take him to toddler gym when I can too and we swim on the weekends... Maybe I will look into a more structured activity for him, like football or something...

OracleOfDelphinium - Glad I am not the only one...

bouncingblueberries - I know exactly what you mean. DS1 is most happy at the GPs as they have a massive garden, which is now mostly under construction (house extension) so he is so happy to be digging, watering, making a mess etc. He loves it.

maltesers - Thanks for your tips. We do try to be consistent and he is pretty good. He will cry on the naughty step but will also apologise and have cuddles (bar the odd occasions where we have naughty step standoffs!). We do love him dearly and tell him so everyday. I do think at the moment, it should be me to control my temper as I can tell he doesn't fully grasp action-consequences that sort of thing. To him, everything is fun at the moment. It's just good to know I'm not the only one...

HE does have to learn though that when he is behaving badly or keeps on doing something u dont want him to do then Mummy is going to get cross/annoyed/disappointed and its NOT a fun game. He will eventually grasp Action/Consequences and that is not always a game. i.e. "If i do this, then Mummy will not be pleased with me "

maltesers - I know they know more than they let on... I always tell him daddy will get angry with him if he touches the TV. And now when he goes near it (or attempts to stick something on the screen), I said 'DS1, don't do that...' And he says ' Daddy get cross!' And will usually stop...

Thats right , they are more switched on than they let on IYSWIM.