How can I help sweet yet frustrating ds?

[Thinkingofds]

Yes I have a really really witting and interesting namechange going on!

My ds is 11 is dyslexic, he gets help at school and his spelling has improved a bit.

He is a really nice boy but we find it very difficult sometimes.

He is not motivated at all. He doesn't want to be in school concerts, is totally unfussed about doing his exams, doesn't put in any effort in school projects, he just doesn't seem to care one iota. He doesn't disrupt his class, he's nice and polite, doesn't really have close friends though seems generally liked at school. He gives things up really easily - gave up his football club, gave up his piano lessons. He doesn't follow instructions at all, sometimes he follows them really literally so won't make an obvious next step iyswim.

It sounds nothing when I write it down but our day to day life is quite stressful, battling over homework, trying to encourage him with stuff.

I really want him to take more responsibility for himself but he constantly leaves his stuff wherever he goes, forgets his bag, and so on.

I really want to help him but am not sure how.

I love him so much and he drives me absolutely mad sometimes.

Sorry to bump - could anyone help?

Hi, I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I also have a ds who's 11, and I'm also finding it quite difficult, tbh, tho perhaps for different reasons.

One thing that strikes me is that your ds sounds like quite a happy boy, which is great. It sounds like your frustrations aren't really affecting him at all, or at least not having the desired result.

Are there any alternative methods you could use to try to get through to him? Sorry, am sounding worse than useless here. Can the school help in any way?

I would hold on to the positives (and you do sound like a really loving mum). He is well-liked, and obviously loveable. I am sure there must be alternative strategies out there. I just wish I could give you a long list of them here! [useless emoticon]

Neuro Developmental Delay causes/contributes to dyslexia and dyspraxia (that could be why he is so forgetful perhaps???)

I've had my dd treated for NDD - caused her different issues though.

Lots of information on this website here, there are other organisations who provide treatment for it not just INPP.

www.inpp.org.uk/

Thanks very much to both of you.

You are right actually in that he is quite happy, I am the one who is stressed! Which I am sure does him no good. He doesn't compare his work to others' , doesn't feel the need to fit in and so on, but is really empathetic, actually perhaps it's me that has the problem! I would just love to see him more organised and more motivated and more committed to things, and taking more pride in his work. Perhaps I am transferring my own values here...

We are looking at the moment at a Primary Movement assessment which may relate to your link, CarGirl - will have a look at that now. But the waiting list is months and months.

I worry that now, at 11, he is still in a safe space, but in a couple of years he'll be a teenager and operating much more on his own - I just really want him to be equipped to do that.

Right hang on a sec

he's putting a HUGE effort into every day school. It's really important you get that. I bet every day is a big effort for him, and he's going for it all the time. Not in the way you can see - but for him the words on the paper, the confusing instructions, people talking to him, the place he's meant to put his shoes he can't remember, the time he drifted off and now can't remember what the homework was, where was he meant to meet them for that game again?

That's effortful, doing all that. And the fact he does it, and is trying - shows he does care.

it's hard for him to follow instructions. Try not to get too impatient. If he could he would, right?

So. Helpful to help him organize his world - checklist by door for each day, stuff like that.

Don't sweat the small stuff re piano and football. I reckon he's giving it A LOT already.

You might want to look into books on working memory problems- possibly a part of his dyslexia - as they might have good tips to help you too.

I know it's frustrating, but I bet he's a dream as well as a dreamer.

Oh and the unfussed thing - do you think

he's zoning out because it's all too confusing and overwhelming

or

he's zoning out re school projects and exams and football teams because if he doesn't try then he won't fail - so he just removes himself. Like a quiet defense strategy??

if the latter, then he might need more support

Have you spoken to the British Dyslexia Association, they have a help line, I spoke to the yesturday about DS2 aged 8, gave me lots of helpful books, websites, ideas etc.

I was so upset about him being diagnosed with moderate dyslexia. See what's wrong with that sentance? The word 'I'. he was fine about it, relevieved that there was something that explained his issues. So I had to slap myself about it and look at the things he is great at, brilliant ideas, understands everything, confidant, a leader, funny, caring, well liked by his peers, relaiable, connects with his teachers etc etc I could go on!

However, we are going to pay £500 (saved up) for an educational psychologist assesment as we both feel we need to understand the specifics of where he needs more help, he can tell you what he wants to say but cannot write it down.

you must try and find things he loves and so what if he tries something and does not like it? I found some easy reader Star wars books from Dorling Kindersley which he adores, he loves Cubs and swimming. He also chats to an older dyslexic boy who is a high school (friend of a friend) and he loves the mentor/buddy/cool aspect of an older mate.

Of course I stress and panic about it, but this does not not help. He is zonked after school somedays, was told his brain works 10 times harder than most trying to decipher and concentate all day at school, so it's food and TV/footy in the garden and I leave him well alone.

Hope this helps.

Sigh. Yes. I know it must cost him a lot, just getting through the school day. He is absolutely exhausted at the end of it.

I know I should be more understanding.

It has occurred to me before that he zones out or doesn't bother making effort because the rewards must seem so trivial compared to what it costs him to do the work etc.

He is a dream, really, he is a wonderful boy.

I am just a crap mother .

Actually it's quite sad that people who have spent 2 minutes reading a post about him should have more sympathy than someone who has been his mother for 11 years so I am going to get reading again, as I did when he was first diagnosed. I will think about the memory stuff and how to help him with that.

And more than anything I must stop giving him four-minute speeches on what he has to do and limit the instructions.

Sorry that post a bit staccato.

Actually I am a bit upset.

Thinkingofds yes the primary movement thing is neurodevelopmental too. Ring INPP and see if they have any practioners near you with shorter waiting lists.

I saw mine in Windsor and he is just lovely, he also practises in Hampshire if that is anywhere near you? He isn't on the INPP register, he did the training and refused to sign their code thingy as it says that you must use their methods exclusively where he likes to use different ways for different people finding out what works for them best.

I think try and focus on the longer term goal to equip him to be an independent competent adult even if it takes him longer to get there. I'm sure it drives you absolutely nuts sometime that is what love & concern & frustration does to parents!

oh sweetness, please don't be upset

it's hugely frustrating to live with. I have immense empathy and common-feeling with you - I promise. Also dreaminess is annoying isn't it, because you think 'well if you ONLY concentrated'

I'm crap too, often. Then I come on MN and be perfect. It works for me

good idea to go and re-acquaint yourself with stuff. Strategies to help with helping themselves are good too - like a check-list, or a notebook or whatever.

DS2 sees a learning support person and they do lots of exercises on working memory. Specialist help might be good? Like Dyslexia Action or somewhere? (ds2 mildly dyspraxic, but similar working memory hopelessness)

it's a very fine parental line to tread between 'just be yourself' and 'right, now, let's have a bit of effort' ime

Aw thanks, didn't mean to go all Poor Me . It just struck me suddenly, in the way it does sometimes when I speak to someone who works in the field of helping children with any kind of difficulty, or read a book about it, how much more sympathetic other people are than I am - and if you can't get sympathy from your mum it's a pretty poor show.

I am perfect on MN too, natch and SO full of wisdom.

Yes I do have that sense of - look how amazing you are. If you applied yourself, you'd be a knockout. And I know that's unfair.

CarGirl actually we are not in the UK so unfortunately local recs are not usually much good to us but thank you very much, and for your kind words.

I will reread this thread intermittently as a slap on the wrist gentle reminder to self to ease up, not to sweat the small stuff, help in small ways and keep focused on the big picture. If that's not contradictory.

I have a dyslexic 11 year old who sounds very much like yours in a lot of ways. Gorgeous, sweet boy but sometimes I want to tear my hair out. He is happy in school though, the school is happy with him (he gets support but has come on a long way in the past few years in terms of his learning) and I have to try and remember to accept him as he is. Funnily enough my older boy is also dyslexic but is a very different personality and much more keen to join in things.

Understanding the "zoning out" thing is very important to keeping your patience in my opinion. When he started a new school after moving to Oz his teacher was initially fairly unsympathetic until I showed her the specific bit of the ed psych report which talked about how he shuts down when overwhelmed "and may look like he is ignoring instruction or not paying attention". When you know they are not being deliberately difficult I do find it helps. DS can't cope with after school activities, so we have found him a 3 hour art class (his passion) on Saturday mornings instead. He enjoys school sport but doesn't want to play outside - fine, neither would I. We don't overwhelm him or give him too many choices.

Bottom line is he's my gorgeous boy and I love him, as you love your DS. All kids have their issues, I try to keep a sense of hunour about it