Bonding issue...

[argeybargey]

..ok (deep breath) I am posting this somewhat in desperation really as I have searched the net (ok, well a bit anyway) but this seems a bit taboo , and I am just hoping that someone on mumsnet can offer some advice on this really ....

ok...basically, when I had DD1 I had a really traumatic labour and birth for reasons that I won't go into here on mumsnet.Let's just say that I should have complained to the hospital and also that when it all ended in an emergency c section it was a blessed relief (gives you some idea of how bad what went before was). Anyway...my problem (and it is mine - as opposed to my poor DD1's- that is why I feel so bloody guilty)is that I just havn't bonded properly with her at all. I should also add here that I also went back to work really quickly after the birth (self emplyed)and DD1 was left with MIL alot (not the warmest soul on the planet, but well meaning none the less - I do remember feeling overwhelmed and almost that I didn't trust myself to give my DD1 what she needed - almost that it was better for her to be with other family members(don't know how to explain this)? I know that I havn't properly bonded with DD1 also because when i went on to have DC2 (by planned section on advice of consultant for med reasons - and it was a totally different,enjoyable even, and very calm experience from first birth)I felt that rush of love straight away and just connect with DC2 in a way that I nevereb have done with DD1.Also with DC2 I have been with her pretty much from the word go, i gave up much of my work to stay home with her and i have also breastfed her exclusively from start (and am still doing now).I managed to BF my DD1 for a few months only -something else to feel guilty about : (
I LOVE both of my children , but with DD1 it feels like a real effort a lot of the time, we clash quite a bit too and I have to constantly keep myself in check that I am not critisising her all the time as I just find her to be really hard work alot of time (she is very full on,very bright, but also very full on 24/7 - not just my opinion by the way). Where as with DC2 - well, you can get the picture I am sure.

I feel really guilty that I do not have this connection with DD1 - when i hug DC1 it feels so natural but with DD2 it feels stiff and stilted (from her side too). It breaks my heart (I could cry writing this)because although we struggle I do love her desperately and I feel like I am failing her as a mother, that she is almost mother-less because I just cannot feel connected to her in the same way as I do with DC2.

If any mumsnetters have been through this please can you share ...and any ideas for helping the situation massively appreciated...thankyou

sorry got bit wrong there, meant to say when i hug DC2feels natural and not so withDD1 - obvious i am sure to anyone following post.

a traumatic birth can have huge implications for bonding - well beyond the first few months and even years

Some of your story resonates with me - i didn't get the immediate rush of love with DC1 (it grew over time) and i was very happy to let other people take care of him (he had his first sleep over with MIL at 7 weeks old) whereas i couldn't have contemplated that with DC2

Breastfeeding plays a part - EBF DC2 which for me bonded us hugely and more quickly

you do have a connection - why else would you be posting? You feel you are "failing" her in some way (apols if this is the wrong end of the stick) but if you didn't give a damn you wouldn't be posting this

Some children can be harder work than others - can also be an age thing. DC2 is a breeze compared with DC1 (who is a stroppy soon to be 4 year old)

perhaps a good first step would be contacting the birth trauma association?

Agree with everything rubyslippers says and it's wonderful that you are so aware of the dynamic between you and don't blame her for being 'difficult' which a lot of mothers do when they have one child they find more challenging than the others. I think patience and a long-term outlook are key here. I didn't have traumatic births so I can only imagine what you went through but my third child is adopted and didn't come to us until she was 2.8. She's 5.5 now and for me the process of truly becoming her mother is very much an ongoing one with forward and backwards steps every day but we are most definitely heading in the right direction with absolutely no post-birth bonding whatsoever!! So just be patient with yourself - your daughter's still very young and with the awareness you have and the desire you have to work on your relationship with her I think things will get easier as time goes on.

A friend of mine has a very similar experience. She had a very traumatic birth experience with ds1 and not with ds2. She feels that she didn't bond with ds1. In fact she said that he fell down a few steps when he was about 18 months and because her heart jumped into her mouth, she thought "Well I must love him so" but she's not sure she feels it. She did breastfeed him untl about 15 months, but didn't find it a bonding experience.

To be honest though I don't see any of this when I see her with him. She is very caring with both of her ds's. She focuses on the difference in the births so much that she can't seem to focus on the small triumphs in the day to day parenting. She now speaks on gentle birthing because her second birth was very positive, but I think that the key thing is to move on from the births altogether and that is why I think that actually dealing with the trauma of the first birth is so important. It is a huge event and needs to be looked at before it can then be put into perspective.

Ruby Slippers - thankyou : )

• a relief to know that it isn't just me that has experienced this.Hadn't thought about getting help re : traumatic birth as although I knew that it started with the difficult birth I hadn't realised that this was still relevant with how things are today between DD1 & I. I will contact the association I think.

I think also that you are right about some children simply being a bit more 'difficult' than others from a parenting point of view -I do recognise that it is I who has to find a better way of responding to DD1 nad that she in herself isn't 'difficult' - she just is as she is and behaves as she does bless her.I 'm the adult in the mix so it's down to me ...I do see that....thankyou 'justthirteenmoreyearstogo' for your kind words of support - means a lot when you are struggling with parenting,and i think that you are right , it is a patience and long term outlook thing ... if i am honest i don't always manage the patient bit , i need to put my own frustrations aside and just focus on staying calm and patient i think ... i do set time aside to just have 'mummy and (DD1)time'too and she does seem to lap this up (i enjoy it too) and i am also wondering if perhaps DD1 must also be reacting a bit to DC2's appearance on the scene (as she has so far been fantastic with DC2,adores her,but surely there must be a bit of a reaction to not being an 'only ' any more ?)

I can see much in your experience of adopting in my experience with my DD1 as in many ways I do feel that I was largely absent for much of her baby life . (different obviously in circumstances, but solutions seem same same- patience and long term thinking as you said).Big Thankyou : )

Again -our posts crossed. i agree with what you said about addressing the first birth.your friends experience sounds similar to mine - it was interesting to hear that you cannot tell when you see them together , - i constantly think that it must be glaringly obvious to people -that i have a guilty secret almost : ( - or that it just looks like i'm faking it : (

How old is your DD1?

I would like to add my experience. I agree that the whole thing seems to be 'taboo' and it's not fair that it is

I had both my children by elec. CS. Same consultant. Pretty much perfect in both cases.

With DS, I stayed in hospital for 5 days (Portland. so you can stay as long as you like and it's lovely!!) , I got that whole 'rush of love' etc., I felt great, fulfilled etc., Came home (was alone with DS), got on great.

Had DD 14 months later. Found leaving DS hard, found staying in hospital horrible - hated being without DS and had grown a backbone and wouldn't let them take DD from me. Found it really hard when I got home - DD always seemed to need something just when DS went to sleep.

What I'm trying to say is, sometimes, having two kids is just very different from having one.

Now, 9 months on, we couldn't be happier.. DS, DD and me. We are a little team. We are still on our own most of the time, but we are getting on well. So my advice would be to give it some time.

Harimo - thanks : ) DD1 is five , not too far off being six,years old...DC2 is 1.5yrs.Reading your post it struck me that what you said was a simple truth (so simple that it hadn't even occurred to me (lol)as being also part of my current 'struggle'on parenting front)- namely that having two is so different from having one....i knew it but i hadn' t truly factored it into all of this. It certainly has it's stresses it has to be said...highpoints as well of course...so much around this does seem to be taboo...it is a blessed relief to hear others experiences too.

Yes, there are highpoints too.

I love seeing my kids interact with each other now. DD beams with happiness when she sees DS (especially if she hasn't seen him for a few hours), they hold hands and urge each other on to increasingly audacious acts (like splashing in the bath! I'm in fear of a Tsunami one of these days! )

But, there are lowpoints - like when one child is up from 1-2am, then the other one is up from 3-5am, and you just KNOW the first one is going to get up at 6am... it seems such a little thing, but its just so draining and (IMHO) it's little things like that which really made the difference to me (i was, and am, on my own with the kids).

Having 1 child was great fun, it was new and exciting and I slept when he did... With two kids - trying to maintain a routine for the first while being 'on demand for the second' is ruddy draining.

It def. affected how I felt about DD and it was really only when I rationalised it as I have above that I could see that it wasn't that I love them differently, just that their situations are different.

It took us a good few months to work out a routine for all of us and, of course, it's changing and evolving over time.. possibly an easier process because there is so little time between them so their needs are becoming increasingly similar. I think a larger age gap may actually be harder to deal with, as the first child has opinions etc., which also need to be accounted for.

I hope it's helpful to know that you aren't the only person to ever have felt like this. I know I thought I was the only person to think I felt differently about my kids... I felt terrible feeling I 'Loved' DS more than DD... And it's taken a while (and the acknowledgement that I love DD just as much as DS) to even talk about it.

I'd just like to say that I could have written your op myself. I've felt like this, crying to dp that I've spoiled dd by not being there for her/loving her properly. Things are getting better for us, she's benefited hugely from me being off work due to mat. leave (dd is just 4 and ds is 5 months), I really feel like our relationship has improved and enjoy her company much more. I have realised that I am the one who needs to change how I respond to her and although I deon't always manage it I am trying.