really felt bad for Ds today

[gorionine]

Ds2 is 9, very very challenging lately as he always seem unhappy, always feels like everyone is against him (although, teacher assures me he is fine in school, popular...)

After school today, a neighbour, (year older than him) came to play on the x box with him. The x box has been given to us by a friend of DH and the box contains a few games that we do not let the Dc play with (war games). Friend of Ds asks if they can play on of theses games (halo, rated 16yo)

Me : no

friend : why, I play it in my house.

me : Ds2 is too young for that game

friend to Ds : I am going home then, I do not want to stay here and get bored.

He just left, did not give me a chance to tell him there were other things they could do and that not playing this particular game did not mean that they could not have fun.

My heart really sunk for DS. I know I was right to not let him play but did not quite expect such a reaction from his friend. I feel terrible.

I really need to boost Ds2 but I just feel drained because he is always sulking. Only this time I totally do understand why he feels let down. Please I am in urgent need of happy tips!

You did the right thing, no question.

Is this friend a regular friend? If so then when you see them next time bring it up and reassure them that you want them to come and play but be firm about your expectations. Possibly make a special effort to invite him with a planned activity and snacks etc.

I totally feel for you feeling drained.... trying to jolly kids along is taxing.... (my sister has to do it with her DD - 10) on the plus side it has got easier and I think that hormones are a part of it.

Have some special time with your DS and tell them why they are wonderful and why you love them so much and why you made that decision. They will respect you (in years to come!) for being a great parent.

Hope he feels ok and I hope you do too!

You did the right thing, definitely. You can't be made to allow things in your house and be held to ransom by a stroppy kid.

Explain to your ds. Tell him you love him, you care for him and that you're not stopping him from playing the game to be mean.

Also explain that you won't put up with other kids coming to your house and trying to tell you or your ds what to do. Make it like you are a team with your ds.

But, meanwhile, do give your ds something a bit special. I don't know - what does he really love to do? He sounds like a could do with a boost.

It is a friend he has known for a good couple of yearsbut they usually play football together outside rather than play inside.

Ds just came back from Karate now and has not talked about it so hopefully, he got over it, for now at least.

I will go and give him a big cuddle now he is ready for bed.

WW, I really like the team idea, I am going to use that. DS2 is going to the swimming pool with Dh and a few friends (from school) and then for a pizza. Hopefully it will boost him a bit.

The thing is, DH and I both are now wondering how to handle the "never happy" mood Ds is in. I do try to make him see the bright side of things and make him feel good by praising things, however minute they seem but sometimes feel it is making things even worse and that he needs me to be happy on hs behalf almost.Hard to explain how I feel ATM.

You know, you can only do so much. A lot of it is up to him. You can't take every responsibility for his every mood.

You know, he sounds like a kid who has lots of positives in his life - you, his concerned loving mum for one - and, assuming there is nothing underlying going on, he doesn't yet realise how lucky he is. He will in time.

He sounds involved, active and positive at school and in extra curricular activities.

I think all you can do is be consistently loving, firm and make sure he knows you are there to talk to if he ever needs you.

You can only do your best and it sounds like you're doing that already. Don't feel guilty because you can't make everything alright for him all the time.

By underlying, I meant stuff like being bullied at school but I guess karate might see that off!

There seem to be no issue about bullying in his case but admittingly, he feels that he is often told off by teachers/TA or play ground responsable when he has done nothing (or at least nothing worse than other children who are themselves not getting told off) Maybe it is worth investigating if he has become some sort of scape goat. I have only his word on that though in the sense that I assume if he was really a trouble maker and told off so very often, his teacher or the ht would have called me in at some point to complain about his reckless behaviour which in actual facts never happened.

Maybe ask him to keep a diary of these incidents? He can write down what actually happened with dates and times?

Then perhaps you can see if there's a pattern of something that needs action? It will at least make him feel better, make him feel like he's taking a bit of control.

Or is a diary perhaps too much to ask of a 9 y.o. boy? I don't know any!

The diary is a really good idea, what I will do is actually keep a record of what he is telling me because i worry if he knows I am keepng an eye on it he might be tempted to make insignificant incidents sound much worse than they actually are. Not sure he is quite ready to take full controle of it yet, I will see how it goes.

Thank you very much, it is so helpful to have a fresh perspective on things