I find my friend so frustrating

[fakename37672]

I have name changed in case friend is a MNer (don't think she is).

I say 'friend' but it's more... someone with whom I have many practical things in common, and who I see a lot of in our very small community. If it weren't for geography and similar life situations we wouldn't seek each other out to be friends, I don't think. I'm only clarifying as a pre-emptive strike against any "some friend YOU are!" sort of posts. We are thrown together a lot, rather than soul mate BFFs.

Anyway.

I find this friend's attitude to her son so frustrating.

Son is 4. Nice little boy. Quite serious. Bright. Tends to develop deep interests in things. A bit spoiled, but nothing that would make headlines. Has quite an adult way of speaking - only child who spends a lot of time with his parents and other adults.

Little boy is a fussy eater. Any time any food comes onto the scene the child has no chance to say whether or not he would like to try anything because his mother is there explaining loudly to everyone that "L is a very fussy eater and will ONLY try the X and the Y". I once made him up a plate with my kids and before he even saw it she was taking it back to the kitchen to remove the tomato and cucumber because "L won't eat anything green or crunchy! He just won't! No point even giving it to him!" I dunno - it seems to me that she's almost makes such a point of making him The Fussy Eater. But then I reprimand myself because I have not had a fussy eater (yet) so maybe I just don't get it? Can any parents of fussy eater explain to me why she's doing it? It's not like he tantrums if he doesn't get his way. I once said to her "well, they won't actually starve themselves will they" and she said that yes, that is exactly what L would do. HE is so obstinate that he would go hungry for days and days before he tried anything he didn't want to eat. He'd probably end up in hospital before he conceded the point. She says he has a lot of allergies, but has never been to get him tested for allergies.

Then there's how 'obstinate' he is. She is convinced that his particular brand of stubornness goes beyond anything ever seen by the parents of other children. She talks about it a lot in front of him. "Oh, I can't ever tell L how to do something because he always has to know better and simply will not take instruction". She really believes it. She has in the past got quite emotional confiding that she finds it so hard the way he will never try new things, but then she is always banging on about how "L simply won't try new things!" and I just wonder if she's not making it a self fulfilling prophesy. I did try gently saying something along these lines once but she was quite offended.

The There is how bright he is. Now, he is definitely a bright little boy. Articulate and quick and interested in things. But I really don't see that it's a problem. I have a 4yo too and there really aren't massive differences between them. Friend was agonising once about how "seeing as he's so bright" that it's a problem trying to explain things to him because he feels patronised and blah blah blah, and just to reassure her (and because I believe it is true) I said that he seemed like a normal kid to me - bright and happy and normal and she looked at me aghast and said "normal???! L!!!???" as if it was a hideous idea.

I once passed on a message from his teacher about him and she phoned me afterwards to say that L did not like people talking about him in front of him, so next time could I please phone her.

Once I shouted at him to stop him running onto a busy road (shouted for volume and to stop him, rather than shouted in anger afterwards) and he got very cross with me for shouting 'at' him. I mentioned the incident to his mother and she turned to him and said "I know you find it frustrating to be told what to do L, and I know you understand how to be safe on a road, but the other mummies might not always realise what a sensible boy you are so sometimes you have to just do what grown ups say because they don't understand that you know about roads and traffic".

We see a lot of this family. The mum often confides how worried she is about him. Sometimes I want to shout "well stop doing everything in your power to make him think he's different then!"

I do find it frustrating.

She loves him and lives for him. She adores him.

I have not posted about this for months and months because, well, I feel a bit disloyal having a good old moan about her, and also because I wonder if MNers are going to shriek at me for being judgy and unsupportive to my friend.

God I bet this is long.

Can anyone sympathise, or give me insight into dealing with a fussy eater or a 'different' child? Am I just not getting it?

Your friend sounds like a crushing bore whom I would cross the road to avoid.

She sounds like an attention seeker

She sounds sweet but badly in need of a fishslap

I can sympathise with you. Isnt there a 'rule' about small people having to be presented with new food/try new food 50 times before they can decide for sure if they like that taste/texture or not.

She sounds like a hideous person who needs to get a life and stop living vicariously through her 4 year old. I am sure most mums think their children are genius level - until year 2 when the SATs results come out.

I dont think I would like her to be my friend, she sounds too competitive and pfb for me.

I think she sounds quite nice deep down but needs a hobby or something else to focus on really....

I think you're right about her creating a self fulfilling prophecy, can't be healthy for her ds. I would be the same as you tbh, I think you've been very patient.

I don't think you're being judgy and unsupportive and I can see how frustrating it could be.

I do have to say that I've been percieved by some other mums as being a bit like your friend because I could see times when my daughter was upset by things but the signs were very very subtle because she's always felt inhibited about showing her feelings. I've since found out that she has an autistic spectrum disorder which made me feel better about knowing that she was struggling and others thinking I was neurotic.

Having said that she does seem to be hanging on to the differences rather. I would have encouraged friends to get my daughter to try things she wouldn't try for me. I would have told my daughter that it is dangerous to run towards a main road and the parent who shouted at you was quite right.

Could it be that the child she sees at home is very different from the one you see? It does sound like he could be very much in charge at home and she can't see a way to relate to him any differently. Could it be taht she removed the cucumber because she was concerned about his reaction either immediately or at home later? Could it be that she gets a meltdown to deal with when she gets home?

Clearly she talks about him in front of him herself but is that seens as ok by him or her because it is reinforcing his specialness rather than what the teacher had to say which may not have felt so good? But which one needs the specialness? Him or her?

I have to wonder if this is some kind of emotional crutch for her and if it is why does she need it? Does she need to feel that her son is special in order to feel worthwhile herself?

Sorry this probably isn't very helpful - just thinking aloud really. It sounds like a very difficult situation to be in and I can see that she's not really helping him. I can't imagine how she can cope with him being at school!

I think I would continue to treat him the same as any other four year old whenever possible. Challenge her thinking in small ways by suggesting that making him feel different isn't very healthy, suggesting that you offer him foods he won't have for her, etc.

she's a twat - avoid

Wow. You are VERY patient! That road thing made me gawp!

I live in a Very Small Community. I have a Very Bright DS, who is, in fact, the stubbornest child that ever there was. He has Weird food habits and sensory issues (does like crunchy stuff though ) but isn't an only child, and isn't 4. Either you have been Very Clever and changed up a few clues, or you aren't talking about me .

DS1 is a pita, though. He appears perfectly normal to most people, but adults who spend, er, a bit of time in his company suddenly get a whole new opinion and make that 'sympathy' face at me.

She sounds a bit pfb, and a bit anxious, and a bit munschausen's, but probably within the bounds of normal. Chicken and egg, I'd say.

Reminds me of that old Philip Larkin poem...

They fuck you up, your mum and dad, they do not mean to, but they do... They fill you with the faults they had, and add some more, just for you.

Man, I hate that poem.

I'm prepared to be flamed but the first thing that came to mind from reading your description was Aspergers.

It would certainly fit a heck of a lot of things that the mother describes, including the part about not eating for days rather than something he couldn't tolerate.

Brightness, deep interests in specific things, sounding older than they are etc are all classic descriptions of a child with AS.

Your friend might well be a complete PITA but I'd also bear it in mind that sometimes there's more to these things than being a pit precious.

Oh dear, I have experience of this, I basically sit there thinking "go away" and "my child could piss on your child's cornflakes".

This has helped me not slam her against a wall and yell "shut up, you deluded bag".

I would not recommend my coping mechanisms in any way; but yes, I get this on a daily basis at the school gate.

Oh, boy...what a trial to my patience. I long for our children to attend different schools.

I suspect the fussy eating is his way of registering with his mother, as in all other respects she does not see him, only her intepretation.

I suggest that if she stopped talking about it, it might not be such an issue.

coppertop, I wondered about Asperger's too but I tend to see it where it isn't because of my own DDs.

That was what made me wonder if she was worried about some reaction later. Some sort of meltdown.

I'd also wondered if, as commonly happens, mum is a bit of an Aspie herself and therefore can't see the effect her behaviour would have on others.

I'd be happy to be proved wrong.