Desperate for ideas on helping DS (six) manage his temper

[almostablackeye]

... and overhauling my parenting, if I'm getting something fundamentally wrong (which I feel as though I must be).

DS has a temper. He always has had. And being six, he gets frustrated a fair bit. And when he does, it's instant rage. He goes from being a bright, funny, content child into a thrashing and frankly cruel creature, until the fury dies down.

He got frustrated about something near to bedtime on Thursday night. He hit himself, threw some clothes I'd just folded up at me, screamed "Shut up!" in my face and slammed a couple of doors so hard the house shook. I feel happy with the way I handled it - calmly but firmly. I told him it's OK to be angry, but not to take it out on me, and that I was happy to talk and hug, but if he didn't want to and wanted to continue to lash out at me, I'd go elsewhere in the house until he calmed down. Which I did. All quietened down after a bit.

We have a rule in our house which is if you are really disrespectful to someone - to their stuff, or you hurt them physically or their feelings - there's no screen time for a day (DS loves screen time). So Friday morning, when DS asked if he could switch the TV on, I calmly said that because of what happened the night before, there would be no screen time for a day while he thought about what he'd done. He instantly punched me in the eye so hard it made me cry. This was followed by venomous declarations of "I'd do it again if I could!" and "I don't care about your eye!" - before he calmed down and wanted comfort.

He's really big for his age, so his clouts hurt more than you'd expect. I spent all of yesterday worrying that he is unhappy or has some deep-seated anger that I can't help him manage; that he'll beat me up by the time he's a teenager; that he'll go on to abuse his partner/kids/become a bully; that I'm failing miserably as a parent for this to be happening at all.

I'm not great at handling my temper either, although I don't lash out at other people like DS does, so I feel ill-equipped to help him handle it better. Counting to ten and punching cushions do nothing for me when I'm cross, where slamming a door does. So in a perverse way, I can understand how out-of-control cross he must have felt - but of course it can't carry on.

I know that in relationships generally, with my ex for example and some friends, that I'm not great with boundaries so it's possible that without realising it, I'm letting DS treat me like this. Or it could be that he's scarred from my split from his dad nearly three years ago, around which there was an awful atmosphere for some time. Or it could be that there isn't a firm yet fair man in the house to back me up and model how to handle anger healthily - that I'm trying to be Mum and Dad and failing. His dad sees DS a lot, but is a bit of a wimp TBH - not your alpha male type - so for big strapping boy, he's a bit short of role models. Or it could just be a (fairly extreme) developmental thing which will blow over in time as DS matures.

The rest of the time, DS is fun, thoughtful, really bright, and has no issues at school where he's thriving - other than that he's perhaps a bit of a shadow of himself there, so maybe I get him full force at home? He only really lets rip like this with me.

Any ideas on what I could do to help DS handle his anger more healthily, and/or discipline him more effectively? What would you do if your child did this?

Thanks - and sorry it's so long!

Anyone?

Hi

I don't have any great suggestions but did not want to leave you unanswered....

I have a 7 yr old son and that does sound quite extreme tbh but then again my son is so laid back it's untrue.

Both my sons hit me when they were toddlers and I used to firmly say no, but I was at a bit of a loss then myself to be truthful. If I smacked them they would hit me back again and so I would feel like I was fighting with a 2 yr old and it was very undignified and did not help so I gave that up pretty quickly....

The one thing that does stick out from your post is that he only seems to do it to you, so to an extent he obviously can 'control' it. Does he hit friends/teachers/fellow pupils? It does not sound like it, in which case I think you need to be a LOT firmer (easier said than done I know).

What was his punishment for hitting you in the eye? Is he sorry when he calms down?

PS How is your eye now BTW?!

I know what you mean about these things hurting, my oldest is big (not fat) for his age and extremely strong, he's already near enough up to my shoulder and he was only 7 in March.

Hope I didn't sound lecturing, I feel like I get it wrong a lot of the time too!

I have a nearly 6yo DS with anger management issues.
It does badly knock your confidence as a parent -- in a way I'm lucky because I have 2 other DSs who are in comparison very self-controlled characters. So I can see it's just inside DS to be so volatile, not down to my crap parenting (well, not entirely ).

I find with DS we have to give him space and time to calm down. No lectures, low stimulation, and no chances to do anything else until he's calmed down and accepted responsibility. I also have to anticipate his meltdowns a lot. It's not easy and not foolproof, but I think those things help.

My guess is that only time will help him learn to compose himself.

I have always had a nasty temper still do. We had a punch bag (I know it sounds bad) but then when I was really angry I took it out on the bag and calmed down without doing myself or anyone else harm.

The deal was go take it out on the punch bag and then go have a hug and talk it through calmly.

What did you do when he hit you in the eye?

Does he have somewhere that he could go to and know that is his place to be angry, frustrated etc but at the same time safe until it passes?

Now is a good time to seek help. Your local Sure Start or children's center might be able to advise on a parenting course, such as Mellow Parenting, Triple P or Incredible Years. There is good evidence that these courses make a huge difference to families of children under 8.

You aren't alone, lots of parents feel are going through what you are. These courses require a bit of effort, generally running over 6- 12 weeks, but if you are motivated it could make a difference.

I'v heard some really positive things from people about these courses. Generally there is something useful, even if its not all relevant.

Thanks for posts.

muriel76, no, DS doesn't lash out at friends (anymore - he did for a year when he was a toddler), or at school. He's conscientious where school is concerned. So it is just with me. I spoke to my health visitor about this a few years ago (it's been an issue on and off since dot), and she said it's a compliment to me (believe it or not!), because it means that after all that's gone on, he feels he can be completely himself and express his feelings around me - even if he isn't doing this healthily - and be loved regardless. He has a strong attachment to me, but I have to say that these episodes seem to be making us less and less connected.

lljkk, thanks for the reassurance. Where I don't have other children, DS is the only result of my parenting, hence feeling as though I must be really messing up. That's not meant to sound as though he's a walking disaster, because he isn't, and I love him dearly and tell him every day. But the fact he is aggressive to me (and the possibility that he might be to others) is a significant problem.

slushy06, thanks for your tip. Encouragingly, last night, DS told me his feelings with words and took out his temper on the sofa cushions. Massive progress! So we might try the cushions route again. The bad news is that I found him so rude and defiant this morning that I slammed two doors and kicked a drawer shut. My temper is not helping his one bit. When I'm cross, though, it wouldn't even occur to me to find a cushion. So as unacceptable as it is for him to lash out, I understand that loss-of-control feeling. Sigh. Still, I think we'll really try the cushion tactic.

choufleur, no, he doesn't have a designated "angry space". We did talk once about making the spare room into a "calming down room". Maybe that would be worth doing.

What did I do when he hit me in the eye? I cried, because it hurt. I asked him to get out of my room because I should be able to feel safe and calm in my own space. He went and then came back, so I took him out. He came back again so I had some quiet time on the sofa while he did in my bed. After a while he came up for cuddles, which of course I gave. I told him he'd have no screen time until the next day. I can't decide if that is too soft, or not sufficiently connected to what he did, or what. My dad was very strict and my mum probably too soft - too much of a walkover - and so very little of my disciplining feels right, IYSWIM; I feel I'm being too strict or too soft pretty much all the time.

cakefaced - thanks for your advice. I did do a parenting course, pretty soon after I separated from DS's dad. I don't remember it helping massively TBH, but I will revisit the handbook they gave us. I have a few parenting books which I dip into every now and then ... which all say different things!

I am mindful that DS hasn't got off to the best start in terms of feeling secure in a happy family, and I do want to be his ally - to be on his side - as much as possible, so he can feel secure and settled and loved moving forward ... but obviously this can't be to the extent that he's hurting me.

Thanks for your advice.

Almostablack eye I'm just reading a book called 'the explosive child' which is actually very good. My DS who is 5 explodes, had temper tantrums, throw things.

The book has a slightly different view of why children are like this, in that it's a developmental skill that the child needs help in developing.

So, you talk to your child, when he's calm, about what happened. You ask him to try to come up with solutions to the problem, then you try to implement them. It's a way of getting your child to develop problem solving skills which are lacking.

I'm still reading it, so haven't tried in in earnest yet, but I can see the principle and it's helped me to not get so angry as well.

Woth a try!

Thanks, Dollytwat. I've ordered the book! It looks like it could be a real help. I particularly like it that it dispenses with rewards and punishments. I'm not convinced these work with DS as it is - I feel silly saying, "Here, have a sticker," or, "Because you've done x, you can't have y." I feel like a child saying, "Because you've done x, you can't be my friend anymore - so ner ner ner ner ner!" Don't know if that makes sense, but rewards and punishments don't seem to address what's causing the problem, or offer solutions. I'll order the book up and see if it helps. Thank you.