I'm really struggling with my DDs at the moment, aged 3.5 and 6mths. And I think I probably know the answers, but I just need to talk to someone non-judgey about it.
DD1 is a vivacious chatterbox. PFB and PFgrandchild on both sides. She has excellent vocab and understanding and never really went through the terrible twos because we could all communicate effectively enough to head things off. But since the end of my pregnancy with DD2 when I had to start weaning her off 100% one-to-one attention she has become more and more difficult to handle. A lot of this is to do with DD2 having horrid reflux and food intolerance issues which mean that I spend most of the day either feeding her, trying to get her to sleep (which she rarely does) or trying to soothe her crying/holding her. So DD1 has had to learn pretty quickly to be more self-reliant and to amuse herself more often. Nursery has been brilliant in that it has given her the push she needed to begin going to the toilet by herself and to try harder at dressing herself, etc. but she still demands help when she's feeling insecure, and constantly fills the airspace with questions and requests which I can't fulfil.
DH has always had a shorter fuse than me, and since sleep deprivation began with the arrival of DD2, DD1 got exposed to tellings off and straightforward demands rather than carefully crafted requests, and irritated rants more often. And then I started falling into the same pattern. And to my horror I just can't get out of it. It's like I've forgotten how to deal rationally with things when I have more demands on me. And the demands are constant, so DD1 only gets the stressy short-fused, shouty version of mum for the vast portion of the day and I hate it.
To give an example, I'll run you through our day today. DH got up early and fed DD1 and got her out of her nappy, then went to work. I lay in and B-fed DD2 whilst DD1 played on her own (not unusual - but that wee sleep I find is vital for me). When I got up, my first priority was to change DD2 & get breakfast for me. DD1 hangs around and talks at me/demands play/stories/etc. which I can't give. I come through to the living room where DD1 has begun a puzzle. I begin to help her when DD2 becomes grizzly and needing a nap. SO I have to leave DD1 and take DD2 upstairs to settle her. She doesn't settle due to a sore tum. But I persevere since I know she'll cry all day if she doesn't sleep. So, several put-down-cry-pick-up rounds later, I try leaving DD2. DD1 poor thing has been hanging around playing on the stairs all this time. I have to explain to her that when her sister has a sore tummy that any tiny noise she makes wakes her up again so it's a better idea to play downstairs when I'm trying to get DD2 to sleep. DD2 is crying again so I suggest DD1 goes downstairs now. She has a tantrum. I am pulled in all directions and feel exasperated so I sadly get short with DD1 and shut her bedroom door angrily. She escalates. I return to calm down DD2. DD1 is still screaming. I have to take DD2 through to DD1's room and tell her to stop crying or else her sister won't stop crying either and that this reaction is unacceptable and to go downstairs. She does, after a couple more minutes of tantrumming. I get dd2 settled and we get a bit more of the puzzle done before DD2 starts up again. After a while of settling I give up and bring her downstairs. It has been an hour by this point and I am frazzled with the screaming. DD1 appears from the kitchen. I later find out that she has taken the scissors to DH's paintbrushes. I handled that one better I think, but I found myself just wanting to scream at her to make me feel better and I'm so ashamed. I tried to explain the consequences of her actions e.g. no more scissors, perhaps no more money to buy magazines if DH has to buy more brushes, but it didn't feel like it was having any effect whatsoever. DD1 is also a poor eater and every mealtime is a battle to get her to eat more than a few mouthfuls (she doesn't get snack if she eats poorly so she's not full). I get so bored and frustrated sitting watching her (whilst feeding DD2) that I can't help myself from getting snappy and starting blackmail tactics . So there was some of that at lunchtime and she got a bit screamy if I got up and left the table to try and catch up on phonecalls or washing up since DD2 had calmed down by this point. I was on the verge of tears though and trying to get a GPs appointment for DD2 to see if we can do anything more for her pains, but can't get one until Monday.
Anyway, I got DD1 to nursery, and had to feed DD2 again to calm her down again and finally got her to sleep so I got an hour of peace to clear my head and felt a lot better. After nursery I insisted DD1 had a nap because she was up mega early before DH this morning. DD2 cried all afternoon. When DD1 reappeared she was pretty good. DH got home early whilst I was cooking tea and the girls were quietly amusing themselves in the living room. Somehow DD1 in her excitement at seeing daddy reverted to this morning's behaviour and I came in to find DH asking her to do something simple and her flat-out refusing in floods of tears which escalated into a full-blown screaming tantrum when she was asked to go to the step (she needed carried there by me as she was also refusing to go to the step). Cue more of this behaviour over tea. Early bedtime and more fannying around, dilly dallying and basically being as annoying as possible and me not dealing with it very well. I've told her that if she shouts at me or DH as she was doing this afternoon again then she won't get teddy at night time that night (her most prized comforter).
I feel so rotten. It's totally clear that she is deprived of mummy time (I am dispensable in her eyes at the moment, only daddy will do) but I just don't know how to give it when I'm BFing a screaming baby that won't nap, when the baby's needs come first and DH is at work. She is mimicking our anger and tempers because I've totally lost the capability to deal with situations calmly and dispassionately. I feel like I'm turning into a grumpy old cow, and I also feel, rationally or no, that I've now taught her the wrong way to deal with emotions and that she will never be able to erase that.
Bit of an essay. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow is Another Day.