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concerned for my goddaughter, her mother is breaking down in front of her.

12 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 14/05/2010 15:21

My best friend (mother of my 3yo goddaughter( is going through a nasty divorce and obviously things are very rocky at the mo. I am concerned though that (though my friend is a brilliant mother, i am not criticising ) she has started to often break down and cry in front of her daughter. The worst occasion was a couple of days ago when i recieved a hysterical phone call from my friend, sobbing and crying, and i could hear her daughter in the background saying, 'Mummy, mummy..."

I know anyone can break down and I know she is going through a huge amount of stress but I just feel very strongly that it is not ok to cry like that in front of your kids. It must be very frightening for her daughter to see her mum like that. And actually, though I know the stress is a build-up, on this occasion there was nothing that should have prompted the hysterical tears.

I am not underestimating the horror of a divorce but surely it is not right to break down in front of a tiny child...? And how can I put this to my friend without her feeling that i am judging and criticising her? I feel a responsibility to my goddaughter and it was unbearably upsetting to hear her in the b/g while her mother sobbed down the phone.

OP posts:
pippop1 · 14/05/2010 15:25

Would you be able to take the daughter for a few days and have some fun with her?

belgo · 14/05/2010 15:27

Have you spoken to your best friend about this? Is she getting support - other friends, family? Have you suggested that she see her GP?

emeraldgirl1 · 14/05/2010 15:28

It's a good idea in principle but she is a very nervy child (hardly surprising!!) and has literally never spent a night away from her mother... I could do some day-trips, I suppose, though work makes that very difficult from my POV...

It's a really good idea though, pippop, thank you!!

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emeraldgirl1 · 14/05/2010 15:29

The irony is belgo that she has a tonne of support!! I think that's partly why I feel it is so unneccessary (I'm not saying the crying is unneccessary, I just think she should cry and scream and throw things in private, not witnessed by a vulnerable toddler). She has great family nearby, and good friends, she is seeing a counsellor...

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belgo · 14/05/2010 15:34

I don't think you can really imagine what she is going through; it is rather patronising to say that her behaviour is unnecessary - it sounds like she cannot help her behaviour.

All you can do is support her and go and visit.

callmeDave · 14/05/2010 15:36

Take your friend to her GP. Don't be fobbed off with her saying she will go by herself. Try and spend as much time with her as is humanly possible. Could you stay over at her house? My friend went through something similar and it was too late. Another friend had taken her to the GP and she had ADs but she didn't start to take them. We tried to make sure she wasn't left alone for too long but she was found dead about 90 mins after I left her when another friend got there. She didn't commit suicide, it was an accident that we could have prevented. I hope your friend gets better.

belgo · 14/05/2010 15:40

Have you spoken to her family about your concerns about her?

emeraldgirl1 · 14/05/2010 15:43

callmedave - i am so sorry to hear about what happened to your friend and I do understand how important it is to be supportive - it's why I'm floudering as I want to help but dont know the best way.

and belgo - I really apprecaite your advice but I am honestly not trying to be patronising!!! I grew up with a mother like my friend who never chose to go into another room when she was having a hysterical outburst and I can tell you that it has affected me for the rest of my life. I am NOT saying that my friend's feelings are 'unneccessary' - I am saying that I know she can choose whether or not she expresses those feelings in front of a very frightened child! I may bave given an inaccurate view of the situation - my friend is not, by anyone's admission including hers, actually clinically depressed, which I would say is a definite reason why she might not be able to control her outbursts. In this case, she is not depressed, she is 'just' incredibly stressed. I have all the sympathy for her in the world and I desperately want her to be OK. I am just trying to distinguish between it being perfectly understandable that she feels upset like that sometimes and not so understanable that she cannot go into another room to make the crying phone call to me without her daughter right there.

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emeraldgirl1 · 14/05/2010 15:46

Belgo - again, I am starting to think I've given a wrong impression of her mental state... so I apologise if it sounds like I'm being harsh or patronising!! I've had very depressed friends before and been depressed myself so I know that one cannot in that state control things like tears. But in this case, though she is having a rotten time, she really is not 'depressed' - by her own admission as much as anyone else's. As an example, only the next day after this phone call, she was happy as larry because she'd had a good day at work and a man flirted with her! Which is why I feel so strongly that though things are hard for her, she is not sinking into a mire of depression... for that reason I think she has some choice over how much she allows her child to be affected by her moods.

Thanks though belgo i do appreciate your help!

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belgo · 14/05/2010 15:54

Whether she is depressed/ high levels of anxiety and stress(that can be entwined with periods of more normal or manic behaviour) or not - obviously I don't know but I still stand by my advice - speak to her family about her behaviour, support her as much as you can (without allowing her emotions to take over your own life)- and visit if you can.

emeraldgirl1 · 14/05/2010 15:58

thanks belgo... i will have a word with her mum i think and see if we can come to some way of taking off some of the pressure points. It is hard I want to make this all over for her but obviously that isn't going to happen.

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pippop1 · 14/05/2010 17:01

How about having them both to stay for the Bank Holiday weekend?

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