Relationship problems with 8 year old DD

[upsetmummy]

I really need help and I don't know where to turn to

I fear the way I am with my DD is affecting her and I need help to sort it out and don't really know how.

I didn't have a particularly good pg with her and suffered PND afterwards. She was an crying baby and whinging toddler and I didn't really know what I was doing (young mum lack of support from own family and HV's). Took antidepressants for PND and 'recovered'.

I find it very hard to relate to my DD at all, I don't cuddle her or show her any affection, I cringe if she is near me (god it is so hard to type this), I pick up on the littlest things she's done and I feel I am moaning at her all the time. I don't want it to be like this but I just don't really like her.

I also have a DS who is two in October, I have a totally different relationship with him and feel totally different towards him. Again have suffered with PND but not to the same severity.

Please don't judge me, I know I'm lucky to have my children. I just need to sort this situation out before it's too late and she really hates me.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I think you are really brave for admitting this problem as it is quite a taboo subject (((hugs)))

I have no experience of what you are going through so could be talking rubbish but I think if I were in your shoes I would make a concerted effort to tell her I loved her and give her a hug at least once a day to try and forge a bond. I would also try and spend at least 1/2 an hour one on one with her every day (reading, homework, cooking) and once a week try and do something together, be it shopping, horseriding, something to spend time together having fun and to 'get to know each other'.

I really hope you can turn this on its head, good luck

i think your very brave and obviously love your daughter and want to change your relationship. i dont think anyone will judge you here.

i think just some time alone with each otehr - maybe a later bedtime or a special girly time so you can build a relationship.

i too find it harder to relate to my daughter than my sons, and i hate the fact that i have to even try - i feel it should come as naturally as with my other kids - however like you we didnt have the best kickoff, she was twin 1 and had problems at birth, she was ill , in scbu, i was in shock ( shit two babies and a toddler at home arrggghh) my boy was quiet and no trouble but she came out screaming and never stopped - shes now 12!

but i do try with hair stuff - i got some stick in semi perminant colours that last 4 weeks - you glue them in kinda thing - we did that the other day, she berates me on clothes- "oh mum your so old" when we go shopping but i turn it into a joke - we dance and sing together do kareoke on hols etc. shopping for clothes for her is nice - becuae she feels all special and it really is a girly thing.

make up jobbies one evening, skin care stuff - i buy facial wipes and the best thing ever ever ever for a laugh is a face mask. supermarkets do 99p sachet ones and it just becomes fun when you can speak or you will crack your mask and you try so hard not to laugh it becomes funny.
also making stuff in kitchen - i burned frozen pizza tonight - jus thought i would let you gauge the level of my culinary excellence there... a quick and easy one - is buy cheapo cakes and buy icing and decorating stuff seperate - dont fuck about making the cakes if your not that way inclines - just jump straight into the good bit - the decorating with shiny ball things and even candles and dolly mixtures and ..well..you get the idea.

it just takes effort - and getting over the fact that you have to make the effort - you just do, then you will have some good memories and things will get easier.

No extra advice - the doing little things together sounds so sensible, and the daily hugs. Just wanted to let you know you're not being judged and you are doing exactly the right thing by asking for advice. I felt ds was very much daddy's boy although I've always loved him to bits, and it wasn't until I kept him out of school for educational reasons by himself for just a few weeks that I felt I really got to know my lovely little boy. He's 8 too.

Good luck. You'll get there.

upetmummy - agree with all the post so far. Have you felt like this since for a while? I think 8 seems to be quite a difficult age so don't know whether that is exacerbating your difficulties? There's been a few threads recently about 8 year olds - I'll find and post them.

here's one

and another

Thank you for your comments and advice, I expected many comments about being greatful to have children (which I am, and neither pg was achieved without a long haul to get there!)

It has been going on a for a while but has come to a head now as my mother pointed out yesterday that I am starving DD of affection and will face repercussions when I'm older.

Of course now I think if I do give her a hug or something like that she'll look at me rather peculiarly and wonder why I have done it!

upsetmummy,your dd is probably dying for you to give her a hug,my mum was emotionally disturbed when i was born,i was a difficult baby.And i cant remember being cuddled.Im still not very cuddly,but can cuddle my kids.maybe you can talk to your hv for some advice.hope you sort it out soon.

upsetmummy how are things?