OMG please make her stop screaming every time her playdate doesn't go her way

[Aranea]

Can someone stroke my head and play soothing music please? I am feeling completely frazzled.

Or failing that, any useful tips on how to stop a 5yo girl from screaming and crying and then sulking every time her guest won't do what she wants. I keep explaining to her that she needs, firstly, to take a deep breath and not scream, and secondly, to try to compromise. But it doesn't seem to make any difference.

We've just had a schoolfriend round to play and I am exhausted. I have now eaten so much chocolate that I actually don't want to eat any more, which is quite something.

Oh dear, I've experienced this with my 5 year old too!!

I would knock them on the head for a while. Try again in a few months. Maybe meet up at the park/soft play/swimming instead if they want to socialise outside of school?

I think the combination of over-excitement and tiredness after school can be pretty explosive at this age!!

hardline.

"go to your room, and don't come back until you can be polite to your guest"

easy, no more playdates

Really? Do you think it means she just isn't ready to manage it? I was sort of assuming she needed the practice.

She won't go to anyone's house without me yet, so I think she lacks confidence socially and perhaps knows she won't be able to resolve disputes without my help. I have been working on the assumption that if she has lots of practice she will get better at it. Do you think not? She is very keen to have friends round / go to their houses.

colditz, I think you may be right. I am probably too soft on her and try to make her see reason. Maybe I need to get tough. I worry for her because she isn't socially confident and doesn't initiate play in a group situation, and I think perhaps that means I am too lenient with her.

SOmetimes, when they are screaming, there is no point whatever trying to make them see reason. If it isn't working, don't try to do more of it - try doing something else!

Cut her off midflow and make her leave the activity. Don't allow her to draw all your attention her way by screaming at her friend. It reinforces the screaming behavior and there will be more of it. Engage with her when the screaming stops.

A rule I have at home and with playdates is that the person who starts screaming is the one who loses their 'say' - so, if Ds2 is screaming at his friend to play jigsaws and the friend wants to play outside - I take the friend outside and tell Ds2 that screaming does not make people want to play with you.

Ooh, good rule, I might adopt that one.

She doesn't actually scream for very long, and I don't try to reason with her while she is screaming. I wait till she's finished. She doesn't scream at her friend, she screams in distress at me, wanting me to make everything work out her way. The only thing I'm a bit worried about with the idea of excluding her, is that actually if she doesn't get her way she tends to put herself to bed or curl up on the sofa with a book. I want to encourage her not to retreat but to try and find a way of making the situation work.

Colditz has the right advice. It works a charm.

The more I think about it, the more I'm worried that it might backfire. DH has just said, 'you'll send her to her room, she'll cry for a couple of minutes and then half an hour later you'll go up and find her reading,' and I think he's right. That's exactly what she would do.

then cut off the playdates. She's only 5, and actually, it's a bit much to find someone in your house going through all your things and them not wanting to do what you want them to do. yes, maybe that was what you wanted at 3pm, but now it's 4.30 and that's a long time for a five year old.

If she's disengaging to the extent where she's reading in bed rather than playing with her friend, she's trying to tell you she needs space after school. It might not be what she thinks she wants but it's clearly what she needs.

Maybe you're right. Perhaps I'm trying to rush her too much into being a competent social person.

The only thing is that she is very bad at group situations so I have been encouraging playdates because I thought one-to-one play might help cement some friendships at school, and without that she might not have a basis to play with people at school. She doesn't go up and ask people to play, and will back right off and play with her invisible friends if she doesn't feel able to play with people.

Aargh. Whatever I do is wrong really, isn't it?

Perhaps a weekend would be better when she is less tired. A full day at school can be exhausting for a 5 year old and as others have said she may be too young. I guess there are no siblings for her to learn how to compromise and share with?

Having said that I would be much firmer with her.
Her screaming and crying is a form of tantrum designed to get her own way.
She needs to learn that tantrums never work either with adults or even less with friends.When the friend has gone home I would explain that she must not behave like that again and that if she did there would be consequences, (whatever you think appropriate).

I think most playdates are too long tbh. IME an hour MAX after school is fine. Most 5 year olds are pretty tired by this point. Maybe meet up somewhere neutral like the park.

With ds I basically go along the lines of the guest chooses the activity.

Thanks... yes, I think I probably do need to be firmer with her. I have had Words about the playdate, but don't know if it will make a difference!

She does actually have a little sister who she is very sweet to, btw inthesticks.