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Parenting

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Original poster

haven't seen my children for 4 years

46 replies

Yvonne40 · 10/05/2010 13:23

i haven't seen or spoken to my 2 children for 4 years, their father has poisoned their minds against me, they are 14 and 16 years old and i try to contact them but they always reject me, this is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with, is there any other Mothers going through this and how do you cope?

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 10/05/2010 16:54

Do you have your own FB page, Yvonne? Or are you sending messages to theirs? You could set up one of your own if you don't have one, and you never know, they might sneak a look sometimes, even out of sheer curiosity. Keep posting about your life, and you could say you miss them too. Get your mum to set up one of her own too and she could let them know that you have one.

I think there are lots of ways to show you're determined to keep in touch, and they will appreciate every little bit of a fight you put up to see them or to keep in touch. WRT the school, you could get an order to have the school post reports, etc to you.

Legal efforts show you care, and that will mean something to them some day, even if it they don't seem to appreciate or welcome it right now. The legal road can be an uphill slog, but what your ex is doing is illegal.

It's possible that they are not responding to you because they are dealing with a good deal of stress, living with your ex. I don't think people like him are able to keep up the facade with everyone all the time -- it's possible that life is not all roses for the children, and they are dealing with the stress by adopting the tack of keeping everything as simple as possible for themselves, but my guess is that underneath it all they would love to have you in their lives. I think your DS who is joining the service soon is trying to 'get away from it all' by leaving home and all its complication behind him as soon as he can.

Original poster

Yvonne40 · 10/05/2010 16:59

i have my own page on FB , i don't go on it very much and it was only recently (sadly) that i thought about seeing if my DS's were on there, i know they got my message because they contacted my Mum to ask me not to do it again, but i'll give anything a go so i'll make sure i put up a message 2-3 times a week just in case as you suggest the do have a sneaky peek.

i'm also going to write to them once a month and keep copies just in case my ex intercepts them before they get the chance to read them.

OP posts:

englishpatient · 10/05/2010 17:12

You sound a very kind, thoughtful and loving mum. I am almost crying when I read what you are going through: I have DD 12 and DS 7 and cannot imagine how I would cope with this. I do not have experience of it but I am quite sure that one day they will look back and at that point, when they can see all the efforts you have made to keep up loving contact with them, they will come back to you and rue the missed years. I wish you so much luck and love. Please do keep on trying to contact them no matter what.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

Yvonne40 · 10/05/2010 17:19

thank you for that lovely message, i will keep trying no matter how long it takes, it has taken me 4 and half years of tears and lots of pain to get to a point where i'm able to try a live in the hope that they will in time want to contact me, i've been very lucky to have found a man who has been there and supported me through all of this, when there have been many times i have taken my pain on him and alot of men would have ended the relationship, he was the one who help find this website, i've been very very lucky to find such an understanding supportive partner, everyone on here has been so fantastic with some great advice and i feel 100% more positive because of you all. xx

OP posts:

englishpatient · 10/05/2010 17:32

I am very glad you have been so well supported by your partner - he must be wonderful.

Something someone posted earlier has just come back to my mind - are you able to get the schools to let you have your own copies of reports, so you can see how they are getting on?

Magaly · 10/05/2010 17:37

mathanxiety is right. They may well be very glad to see your efforts to reach out to them, but they can't 'rock the boat'.

Perhaps their father regularly asks them "Have you been in touch with your Mother!?" and they need to be able to say 'no'.

Magaly · 10/05/2010 17:40

Yvonne, perhaps don't send as often as two or three times a week as they could (under their father's influence) interpret that as too much.

Once every ten days might be about right? the last thing you want is for them to block you!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/05/2010 21:51

Someone suggested a blog... you could use something like Blogger (www.blogger.com/start) to set up your own blog. It's a bit like an online diary and I'm sure it must be possible to set up the permissions so only your kids could view it with a username and password. You could also give the details to your mum too.

That way, they could view it at college, the library etc when they're away from their dad. I suspect they aren't your FB friend because their dad would see that.

mathanxiety · 11/05/2010 01:46

My guess is they're very conflicted and would like to keep up with your life, and would also like to know you're thinking of them and going to the trouble of hanging in despite the horrible obstacles you face.

But see what you can accomplish by legal means too.

Original poster

Yvonne40 · 11/05/2010 08:43

i've been thinking about all the fantastic advice given and i'm going to write them both a letter once a month, keep a copy of each one in case they don't reach them and also send them a message once a month by FB and also set up a blog so they can if and when they would like to look it up.

i know it's very likely that i will get no reply/response back from them or another call from my moher to say they have asked that i don't try and contact them but at least they will both know that i am there if and hopefully when they do want to make contact with me.

i've discussed the legal route but because of their ages they will be interviewed and probably have to attend the court hearing which i wouldn't want to put them through, it would be as painful for them as me i have no doubt especially if their father is there looking over them which i'm 100% sure that he would be.

i do already have a court order as we have joint parental rights that gives me the right to see them every other weekend from fri - sun but i can't force them nor would i want to as i can only see this as making things far worse in the long run.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 11/05/2010 08:49

Just an idea but as you are meant to have them every two weeks why don't you use that as the time you write to them. First visit of the month via letter, second one by facebook. Talk about the things you would talk to them about in the visit.

The chances are that they will come round once they are a little older, at the very least to hear you out.

Original poster

Yvonne40 · 11/05/2010 09:46

that's a very good way of thinking, i'm going to write my first letter to them today , after all the great support from everyone on here i feel alot more confident i don't expect a reply but it helps me cope a bit better knowing that i'm still trying

OP posts:

Magaly · 11/05/2010 10:09

Good for you Yvonne. It'll be cathartic for you, and they'll know you miss them and want to be with them.

Regardless of what they want or think they want, the single most damaging question to have in your mind as an "adult-child" seems to be 'Why did Mum/Dad not want to see me?

You feel enthusiastic right now, but don't get disheartened if they don't 'melt' immediately. Rome was NOT built in the day and you are laying the ground work for relationships with them in the future.

Original poster

Yvonne40 · 11/05/2010 10:18

i know it will be very unlikely at this stage that they will have a change of heart and it does hurt but i'll go through what hurt/disappointment it takes for as long as it takes to hopefully when they are adults have some form of contact no matter how little.

OP posts:

turkeyboots · 11/05/2010 10:26

Lots of great advice here - hope it helps Yvonne40. But want to add a little word of caution. My own parents and DH parents were in a similiar situtation to you, and our relationships with them are okay again now.

But as a teenager/ early 20s, dealing with this issue was a nightmare for us both. Being that age is hard enough, and adding in the stress of dealing with one parent who is very controlling, is hard to deal with. We love all our parents (as am sure your kids do) but DH and I both stuck with our Mums and had no or little contact with our Dads, as thats where our home and stability was. And then there was all the guilt trips etc from the parent we lived with. Keep up the generally chatty contact, never let them feel forgotten, but also be careful not to overwhelm or frighten them with competing affection, or tales of your Dads a bastard. Time is a great healer, and this will be a marathon, not a sprint.

Magaly · 11/05/2010 10:29

I think sometimes when children finally reunite with the 'absent parent' (and it doesn't seem fair to call you that) they desperately want the contact, but yet they're conflicted because they have to express their anger that the absent parent wasn't in touch, made no effort etcc.....

Hopefully when you and your children reunite, that anger phase won't be so significant.

It must be really hard. I take my hat off to you coping with this. You sound reasonable and sane... I'd be totally unhinged in your shoes!

Original poster

Yvonne40 · 11/05/2010 11:12

it's taken me anti - depresstants, 2 yrs of counselling and alot of support from my partner to get to this point where i am able to live a nearly normal life, but it was only recently that i had the knock back from my DS's and it hurts massively and i lost my way a little but thanks to my partner and his mother, they found this website for me in the hope it would be of some help to me, which i have to say it's been a massive help in just 2 days, i thought i was one of a very few mother's going through this but i can see i'm not and everyone on here has been so great with their advice and support x

OP posts:

GavinByrne123 · 10/11/2015 18:44

I have not seen or heard from my 2 young daughters in almost 4 years and your story has given me hope :-) Your account of the events in your life are almost an exact copy of my current situation. I'm just about to try to regain contact with my chidren after a very long time of being denied access at every opportunity.

WhetherOrNot · 12/11/2015 13:41

Gavin - this thread is 5 years old.

WHY OH WHY CAN'T "ZOMBIE THREAD" BE PUT AT THE BEGINNING NOT AT THE BLOODY END?

Tudorprincess4564 · 21/03/2019 08:16

My children abuse me laugh at me just want money. I overcompensated for the divorce and recently got angry at the way they treat me I told them and now they won't see me.

Tudorprincess4564 · 21/03/2019 08:18

Nothing as cruel as your children saying that they hate you. They are in their twenties and my daughter get a married this year. I am not invited I wish I was dead

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