How to cope with demanding, whiney 1 yo??!

[blinkinblimey]

Finding I'm not as patient a parent as I thought I would be... How do you handle the endless whining? I'm becoming snappy with my ds and I feel really guilty that he is picking up on my negativity and just generally being a cross mummy. I've also started swearing at him and around him with sheer frustrataion which I know is terrible. I'm embarrassed to be writing this - can anyone help me?

Hi my ds has just turned one and I know exactly how you feel. Mine just wants to get upto mischief or dangerous activities from the moment he gets up until he goes to bed, and screams the place down if I don't let him and is generally whiney. It is very very tiring when it goes on all day.

The only way I seem to make it better is to give him my full attention every 10 minutes or so, regardless of what I'm doing. It may just be a quick game of peek-a-boo or a tickle fight, but this seems to keep him ticking over and cuts down the whinging.

For the temper tantrums or when it just gets to much I just lay him down in a safe place and ignore him or leave the room, that usually brings him round. Others say distraction works, but that only seems to work for my ds while I'm doing it and as soon as I stop he starts again.

I've found ds has been alot worse this last fortnight or so and I'm not sure if it's teething or another growth spurt time and their tired.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you've been feeling, I too have screamed at ds and then burst into tears out of sheer frustration, and then spent days worrying I've damaged him for life! I also mutter fuck off sometimes at him under my breath so you're not alone.

I just keep repeating the mumsnet mantra 'it's only a phase' which is true even though it seems to be one whingey phase after another at the moment.

Do you get out the house with him often as I find that really helps to distract them and keep them happy and at worst it makes the day go abit quicker.

Sorry for the long post, it's just I'm going through the exact same thing

Also have a 1 yr old, who can also be whiny. I too get annoyed/snappy/impatient. And feel like the worst mother ever. Tis normal. (My) coping strategies. 1. Knowing that different people are better at different stages of parenthood, very few of us will be good with toddlers, newborns and teens etc 2. Knowing that different children are more/less difficult at different stages. Personally, I'm finding my DS (20 months) much better now than 6 months ago, my friend finds her DS much harder to handle. No doubt this will change in time, maybe you'll find the next bit easier? 3. Trying to remember that he probably can't do many of the things that I would really like him to do, like wait for more than 2 secs for something. I find myself constantly expecting DS to be able to respond in a rational way, when I know he can't! I've read about toddler brain development etc so that I can keep reminding myself of why he is how he is. 4. Communication has really helped. DS hasn't been that quick to pick up spoken language so we've used Makaton/made-up sign language and that helps reduce a lot of the -uh-uh-UH-UH-UH and manic pointing that he was doing. 5. Involving him in what I'm doing (messy but effective). Having said all that, I'm guessing you've tried a lot of this stuff already? Maybe some more info would be helpful? Is he whining all the time? Do you mostly know why he is whining? You have my sympathies anyway, it can be absolutely mentally exhausting, so don't give yourself too hard a time. Just looked at your post again, I'm sure that you're not cross all the time and as for swearing, it's understandable, but if he isn't already, he very soon will be parrotting everything you say - DP and I have had to clean up our act considerably on the language front in the past few months... Edit: x post with pirate, would definately second getting out of the house as much as poss, it's the inly thing that keeps me sane

God it is hard.

DD has just started this. It is the whole body temper tantrum when I am mean enough to stop her from running in the road/jumping in a lake/putting the cat down the loo that really gets me.

It is wearing but it does pass. Remember it is NORMAL to be hugely irritated by it, it is uniquely annoying behavior.

I too am guilty of walking away, swearing under my breath.

Hang on in there!

I could have written some of those posts... Distraction doesn't work for us either, well not for longer than the distraction lasts...

Must use the mantra yes, I need to have something to remind myself that it will end - hopefully! Good idea.

I like the sound of the signing - I will look into that.

Yes better clean up the language too! I would hate for him to repeat my f - words, it would be awful. Easier said than done though.

Unipsyche - where did you read about the toddler brain development ? If I could relate a bit more I might get less irritated by the screaming etc... It would be something to keep in mind, like the mantra.

Pirate I plan to be out of the house as much as possible on the coming weeks so that he has some (more) distraction. Thank god it's summer!! (well sort
of).

Can I ask you where you get rid of the frustration?! I find myself feeling really angry, making faces at ds behind his back, butnit b

Oops typo- was about to say that I make irritated faces at ds when he can't see me, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

Any ideas??!

our ds is now 3.5 and still somewhat challenging but I can totally relate to the stage you are at.. it felt like everyone i knew was having such fun with their little angels while i had a strop monster to deal with.. sorry to say that he became even more diffcult during the following 1.5 years (won't bore you with the details but i was waiting for the day we got banned from a playgroup ) which was rather soul destroying BUT it has improved!!
Language and being able to get places under their own steam helps a lot..
but it IS just a phase..
do get out as much as you can, and if you can possibly manage to do some exercise by yourself (swim/gym/run) in the evenings or whenever i think that really helps with the awful anger/frustration thing, even if you are shattered! Also, if you can learn any yoga breathing (sure you can learn it online!) it is really really helpful - know that sounds silly but it does help!
as it has turned out with our ds he is a very bright boy - has language and general learning abilities well beyond his age and i do think that a lot of that early misery was about him being frustrated..
so you are probably just nurturing a genius
much sympathy and all the best.. and breathe
ps don't want to sound like we have it all sorted - ds is still a big challenge but now that he has a little sister there is double the fun! Luckily she is a whole lot more chilled out..

Nice to hear the genius angle democracy!!
I could have written several elements of each of your posts...

Going to get him doing more activities if it kills me then. And it probably will!!

Do you work to get a break from your demanding children??

I'm hearing the exercise angle, but being so knackered and fed up a lot of the time it is very very hard. I will make an effort to do it once a week... Supposed to help with stress isn't it?

As to WHY he is whining... well that's the million dollar question. I would simply LOVE to know why he is whining. Part of it is tiredness - he doesn't sleep very well during the day, and the rest - separation anxiety, mixed in with some general frustration that he can't have what he wants, when he wants it...

Are your demanding kids good sleepers? Or do they run around all day with seemingly boundless energy, never being able to relax and go to sleep??

blinkin Currently reading Superpowers for Parents by Stephen Briars a psychologist and a parent. I have a lot of time for his angle, which is basically don't try to 'cure' your child of being 1 or 2 or 13 or whatever. But I am a science nerd, so may not be to everyone's taste. I find I need to know WHY something is so and then I can cope with it better.

I think you're right to think about how to deal with the frustration for you, some of my crossness is definitley annoyance at not being able to do the things I used to (or that it takes me several hours instead of 5 mins). I do work two days a week and I love it, but I know I'm lucky to be able to have family doing childcare and an understanding boss. When I do look after him single handed for more than 3 days in a row, I do lose the plot! I also try to do stuff in the day that is for me if I can e.g. go to a coffee shop/art gallery (never used to be that interested but it's free and child friendly)/read something whilst he's napping or occupied with something messy and absorbing in the garden.

You don't say how old your DS is, but mine has improved immeasurably between 12 and 20 months. He now, for instance, has a proper nap in the middle of the day (only in the buggy, not cot and I have to push him to sleep, but I'll take what I can get!). He still has tantrums, but I usually know what they're about now. Maybe it'll get better soon?

In answer to your other question DS is (and always has been) a rubbish sleeper. He is in our bed as that is the only way I can cope. He cannot fall asleep by himself and is still either danced to sleep by DP (who has had to grow substantial biceps), fed to sleep by me or drops off in front of whatever is on the telly (though he's often awake so late that I have to censor his viewing!). I'm sure some people on here will think I'm barmy for putting up with this, but I know he'll grow out of it one day and it suits us well enough for now. He also won't sleep in the car, and screams the whole way to wherever we go, but that's another story

Also loving democracy's genius angle. DS certainly has persistence and will-power in shovel-loads!

yes..just keep telling yourself there is just a frustrated little Einstein in there
just to add: our ds was a TERRIBLE sleeper until he was 2, drove us to distraction.. he did nap fine in his cot in the daytime which saved my sanity (esp as i am a SAHM/student so no time away from the dc) and i did always think that if if slept better he might be more cheery. But when he got to 2 he started to sleep really well (took some very gentle controlled crying) and this did not really improve his behaviour!
I know the exercise thing sounds nuts when you can probably hardly drag yourself up the stairs and i am/was not very good at it (mostly because of having to study in evenings) but honestly, i would sometimes go swimming and feel like it had restored my sanity entirely.
Just to encourage you too - a friend of mine who has known ds since he was much younger saw him and how he was behvaing today and said she could not believe the difference in him - he was polite, thoughtful and amusing.. not things i would EVER have imagined him being when he was at his worst..
much sympathy anyway
ps i always remember reading a post on MN when ds was at his hitting-other-kids and whinging worst saying that her ds had been like this as a toddler but had turned into the most considerate and kind 7 year old. I honestly kept repeating that post to myself for months..!

and another ps - UniPsychle i totally agree with that thing of not trying to "cure" your child.. there is nothing more depressing i reckon than trying to produce a clone "normal" child. yes, they need to be able to function well and thrive and contribute to the society we live in but each little person is unique! (uniquely awful sometimes too

Very interesting reading! Certainly gives me a bit of hope that the next few years won't be parenting by 100% exhaustion... Iyswim... Ds is one. Has always been a handful and was from the minute we were duped into taking him home from the hospital...

Has said whinge bucket baby put you off having another child at all?? I am so peed off at the world/ motherhood/ everything sometimes that I can't contemplate having another as I'm scared witless I'll get another little nutter, when I could do with an angel...! I feel I struggle to cope on some days and also I'm really not sure how another little personality would cope against this big, noisy demanding brother...

A 2nd child isn't exactly guarranteed to be a chilled out hippy ... But it would be nice to think that some family harmony might be possible and aren't seconds supposed to be more relaxed?! Be interested to know other peoples experiences.

blinkin - all i can say is that it took until ds was 2 years old before we could even contemplate having another baby - by this point he was talking quite a bit and screaming and whining a bit less, although still a total handful which left me as you sound at the moment but we have gone onto have dd who is 9 mo and although i am still not holding my breath she is FAR more chilled out and just generally tolerant of life which is a great relief! And ds is actually turning into a (mostly!) caring brother and although he is very overbearing i can see already that she is working out how to hold her own and she is amazingly not nervous of his huge energy and strops when he has them. What i am saying really is that things change and your ds will change and grow - he won't always be like this.. all the best to you