If your child had been involved, what would you have done?

[ilovecanada]

I heard an awful story this morning about the bullying being suffered by an 8 year old boy at DS's school.

The poor lad is quite badly overweight and has become a target because of it. Now apparantly a few weeks ago a girl and a few of her friends surrounded him whilst she pulled down his trousers AND underpants in the middle of the packed playground. She then shouted for everyone to look at the poor kid was stood there balling his eyes out. I could almost cry when I think about the embarrassment and humiliation he must have felt.

Anyway the girl was dealt with very severely and as a result, a group of boys decided to "batter" him for getting the girl excluded so they surrounded him in the boys toilets, one bashed his head up a hand dryer then when he fell to the floor, the group punched and kicked him. He was found screaming and crying in the bathrooms as the boys ran off.

I can't believe 8 year old kids could act like this. I still feel like crying when I think about it. If he had been my son, I would be in floods of tears.

I'm just curious to know how you would have dealt with your own children if you found out they had been onvolved in this. I know most of us would say "but they'd never do that" but what if, by some freak of nature, they did. What would you do?

Oh my God - that's so awful. My DS is only 1 so I can't say how I would react to that but I almost cried reading your post. What is the school doing about this? Have the children been identified/ parents contacted?

That is very upsetting to hear

If any of my children had been involved in a scenario like that, or even stood by and watched without running to get help, I would be thoroughly ashamed of them

They would get the full width of my considerable wrath

Yes the girl was excluded and the boys all had parents brought into school etc. The mum of the bullied boy is keeping her son off school until the boys are excluded too but it doesn't look likely.

OMG that poor poor child. If my son was involved, firstly I think I'd bawl my eyes out with sheer and utter disappointment, think that I had failed as a parent etc. I'm sure I would shout and holler too .

However, I would want to explain to my son what he had done, how he had made another person feel and really try to get through to him, just how appalling his actions were. If necessary, I would look into, with the school's help, some counselling c/o educational psychologist - or some such appropriate measure.

I would want to take him to the bullied boy's house to apologise to the child and to the parents. I would ask the child's parents to call me immediately should there be any bullying episodes at school that involved my child as the perpetrator so that I could deal with them swiftly. He would soooo be grounded (but that's the "thing" for my child anyway). He would have all things that he liked taken away/confiscated until I believed he realised the error of his ways.

It seems like a long list - but it really was a heinous act to an 8 year old child. I'd love to hear how others deal with it. My DS goes to secondary school in September so I'm getting ready for punishments should he not toe the line .

I am truly shocked. Poor kid! I know there has always been a certain level of bullying in schools - but this seems so violent and severe for such young children.

That is shocking! 8 years old. OMG.
That poor boy, I can't imagine this will be easy for him to recover from
If either of my children had been involved, I would be very very ashamed of them. I really don't know what I would do to be honest.
It's just an awful thing to think about.

I can't blame the boys mother from keeping him off school.

Dd1 is a 'follower' I am 99% sure she would join in if her friends did. I am 100% sure that at least one of her friends would join in with such a situation. I have no illusions about my child being an angel. She is not. She would feel bad about joining in, but she would join in.

How would I react? I would bloody well kill her. Once I was done with killing her I would make her write a letter of apology to the victim, take away DS and mp3 player indefinately, ground her indefinately and probably worst of all for her I would tell her Nana of her.

Once I had calmed down I would talk to her about how disappointed in her I am and I would ask her to imagine how the boy felt and how would she feel if it was her.

OP - I can understand the school not excluding all of the boys too - they wouldn't have much of of a class left. Would be very tempted to move school though if it was my son that had been treated in that way. Beggars belief doesn't it?

Fuck me! I'd struggle not to batter mine TBH if they had done that!

Thinking calmly I would explain in words of one-syllable just how badly that bou must have felt - laid it on with a trowel, until they realised and understood. And also explained that if they had assualted sometone like that as an adult they'd have been arrested and in serious trouble!

And then some serious punishment significant to them -removal of pocket money, cancelling of days out, no TV. Whatever hit home.

And I'd have had a serious think about wtf I had done wrong as a parent.

If my child did that I think I would remove him/her from the school, so that the poor victim could enjoy the right to attend in peace. I would say that s/he had lost his/her own right to be at the school and must therefore go elsewhere away from old friends.

Partly because I believe that is what would be rigght, and partly because I would be too ashamed to be seen taking my child into school every morning by the parents of the victim.

I would also tell my child that that behaviour was of criminal proportions and take them to see a police cell, if possible.

And I would seek help in my parenting to fnd out how the hell I had brought up a child to do such a thing.

I do not see why the victim should move schools - schools should be able to transfer bullies out.

If either of my children had been involved in perpetrating bullying to that extent, I'd seriously consider removing them from the school permanently and sending them elsewhere.

I would also force them to apologise to the victim (to their face if victim's mother would permit) and I would tell my child that I would be taking a lot of their stuff and they would be giving it to the victim permanently to either enjoy for themselves or give to the charity shop if it isn't their cup of tea.

I would have many long discussions to obtain an explanation for what happened. I would also find news articles where people have been hit maybe once or twice, but sustained brain damage or similar.

I don't hit my children, but if they had done what the OP described, I think I would consdier whether hitting them would be appropriate if I had failed to get through to them using the methods above.

that is so gruesome - for 8yos to behave like that. It's like Lord of the Flies or something.

When we were 8, we called each other names, pinched each other, maybe pulled a few hairs - but that sort of gang humiliation and bashing was way out of our league.

I like CantThinkOf';s response.

I would probably cry, I would be so devastated

I would ring the school and ask them to exclude my dc for a period

partly to emphasize the seriousness of the incident and partly so I could spend that time talking to my dc and trying to work out what the bloody hell had gone wrong

Part of that process would involve writing a letter to the victim of the bullying.

My son has recently turned 9 and has been bullied at school.

If he was the bully I would remove all and any priviledges I could think of for an as yet undecided length of time. I would also be having very stern words as would his father.

If he was the victim I would keep him off school until I was given 100% that it would not happen again and if it did I would threaten to involve the police.

That is awful, poor boy.

ds is only 6 but yesterday I found out a parent complained about something he did to their child and also to another child.

Nothing like the situation described but enough to really upset me.

Last night ranged from being calm but very dispoainted in him to totally losing my temper and yelling at him, frightening him with what the consequences could be if it happened again (expulsion) being ashamed of him/threatening to send him to the children's home.

He was sobbing in the end, also dh spoke to him on the phone and he was sobbing because Daddy was sad with him.

He had to write 3 letters of apology one to each of the boys and the other to his teacher, know why what he did was wrong then finally we all almed down I cuddled him close reasuured him that I would never send him away as he was my little boy and I loved him unconditionally but why what he did made me very very sad.

He has lost the use of his netbook (club penguin) his ds until further notice.

I think (hope) he understood)

Oooh yes DumpyOldWoman - I think a trip to the police cells would be a great idea too. Probably frighten the hell of them .

On another note entirely... my stepson (long story) stole a credit card of mine from my business account and ran up some ridiculous bills on it (pizza, stripagrams etc). I marched him to the police station for fraud! He spent a night there. I would have no hesitation in doing what I thought was right for the child in the long term, and in this particular case, it would be "tough love".

I would punish at home, but would also march offending child into school to discuss with headteacher and make it clear that I was utterly horrified and would support any sanction they chose to apply. Oh and make them write the apologising letters.

I think there is a greater likelihood of children joining in in this situation than some parents would like to think. My son can be a bit of a sheep, but is only 4, and I'm terrified to think he could be involved in something like this at school.

I would be mortified, horrified, disappointed, frustrated, angry beyond belief, and I'd feel I'd failed as a parent if he did commit an act like this to another child. I think I'd be so devastated I'd want him to change schools and way from a group of children that could behave in that way.

And GOK how the mother of the poor bullied child would feel.

I'd shout a lot first off. Then maybe take him to the police station?

I can honestly say that i do not know.

For sure he would lose all priviladges for some time and i would ask that he be excluded from school.

Other than that i do not know. I was bullied just like the child in the OP but not at primary school Do 8 year olds do that?

I really don't approve at all of this fad for taking children to see police cells/threatening them with children's homes etc

it makes children feel terrified and insecure, which is not healthy or desirable, however much an angry parent might feel the child deserves it

frightened, insecure children do not stand the best chance of developing into balanced, reasonable people who can make the right moral choices and form healthy relationships

if your child is bullying, the LAST thing you need to do is frighten the living daylights out of him/her. IMO.

Had my child been in any way involved or even watching I would be laying down the law big style with them.

Sadly I can imagine this happening. Have seen a small group of 5 and 6y boys (y1) ganging up on another same aged boy, chasing him, draggin him to his cousin and holding him for his cousin to hit him. School did find out and did treat it seriously - and luckily caught it very quickly. And some of the boys involved, esp those ont he fringes, you just would never have expected it from them. So sad that these things can happen.

An 8y definiutely should know better - and are definitely not too young to be punised for such behaviour, and made to see the errors of their behaviour.

Have to say that I would not expect children of this age to be permanently excluded from school, esp if a first time occasion. Possibly a temporary exclusion. But would prefer to see direct action within school with regards to this - work on bullying in class and assemblies, individual apologies to the child involved, sanctions against those children involved with the bullying, etc.

I'm reassured that nobody here has been so naive as to assume their dc wouldn't be involved.

I'd like to think my ds wouldn't be involved - or be a bystander - but I've read enough accounts of how otherwise perfectly pleasant people can do dreadful, dreadful things (primarily but not exclusively in war situations) to know that it is a possibility.

I actually don't know what I'd do though. I would be so very, very angry I think I might have to remove myself for a while to calm down.