Would you be friends without the children?

[limitedwarranty]

I am expanding another thread I started as I feel that the few people I see outside of the baby groups are people that I would probably not see if we didn't have children and I find that quite unsettling. We have lived here for about 18 mo and don't see anyone without the children, we spend weekends alone as a family (we live a long way from people we knew before). I feel deflated and depressed by friendship like this - I would like to phone up and say "do you fancy meeting up this afternoon" but don't feel I can - we all live quite close to one another but everything is emails and arrangements a week in advance and that does not feel like real friendship.

I feel other people are doing the choosing - I have been absolutely knackered as we still don't sleep (baby now a yr old) and I have been a bit depressed and I feel that I don't smile/sparkle and it all feels superificial and it gets me down.

I feel other people choose me if they want to - and don't.

I have lost a lot of confidence and just don't know how to make friends anymore. We are probably moving again in the summer and I am quite keen to move and have a fresh start.

I want to feel relaxed with people and find the constant need to be seeking out friends just really stressful

It sounds like you haven't met people you click with yet, if you are still at the formal arrangement stage. I don't think there is anything wrong with hanging out sometimes with people you would'nt be friends with if you didn't have the children in common, as long as you accept that it probably won't develop into a real long standing friendship that would stand the test of time going non child stuff together.

But like you say it can be depressing to only have child related friendships, have you got any other outlets for getting to know people outside of the baby group/neighbours with kids scene? Your/DH's work colleagues, an interest (maybe not a shared one for you and your DH if there are baby sitting issues)? When my DC were small me and my DH felt very isolated because I had made baby friends to hang out with in the week but they were local to the area, unlike us and had their own family/friends to meet up with at weekends so I can relate to your comment about spending every weekend "alone as a family".

Also if you probably moving soon, as you say this might be an opportunity to leave your current friendships behind and hopefully get to some new groups and meet people you do click with.

Child related friendships never lasted for me. However they were a valuable respite from the company of babies.

There were a few people I used to meet up with when the children were babies but once they started school that faded away.

Also as the children get older the family weekends become more fun than hard work.