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Original poster

meeting up with other moms - I am the odd one here?

29 replies

limitedwarranty · 05/05/2010 18:28

I am quite prepared to accept that I am at times not in tune with other people so I am interested in what others think of this. I have been friends with a woman for over a yr and a half - we met at a coffee morning - both having babies roughly the same age. The friendship has come under strain - when her son was being aggressive and it caused some discomfort and we did not see much of one another for a while. It has never been a close friendship - me sharing more than I think she ever as and I now feel like I am convenient to be with. We met yesterday for tea and now she has emailed to say we should put a date in the diary to met up again - I'm sorry but am I missing something here - we need to put dates in the diary? A while back she I mentioned meeting the following week and she said "I don't know what I am doing on wednesday - I am better with dates not days" - err - one day merges into another for me and I normally know what day of the week it is but not the date.

I feel that we see each other just to fill the time and my already low sense of myself sinks even lower when I receive emails like this.

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TotalChaos · 05/05/2010 18:31

you are reading too much into this - would have thought it v. positive she is keen to fix a date for meeting. and look at it from her POV - you distanced yourself from her because of her son's behaviour - she may feel you are a fair weather friend.

foureleven · 05/05/2010 18:31

Ok, she met up with you for tea. Then emailed you stright away telling you she'd like to put another date in the diary..?

So she clearly wants to spend time with you no?

very very

pagwatch · 05/05/2010 18:33

I am not sure what the problem is if I am honest.

I need to put 'a date in the diary' if I make an arrangement or I i will forget.
That isn't because the date is unimportant but because I have a terrible memory and i have lots of stuff going on.
It isn't exciting stuff - just things like the builder coming, or a shopping order etc but if I don't get a date and write t down I end up with a hair appt booked or a tescos order arriving when I have said I can meet.

I think you are reading far far too much into it. she just has a differnt routine to you

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TotalChaos · 05/05/2010 18:33

if you are trying to distance yourself from someone, you don't say - let's set an exact date to meet - you become v. vague!

colditz · 05/05/2010 18:36

just because you want to do it by days of the week does not mean she is being unreasonable wanting to do it by day.

Compromise. that's how friendships are maintained.

rookiemater · 05/05/2010 18:45

Sorry not getting the problem.

It is a very positive step that she has gone to the bother of arranging a date, means she definitely wants your DCs to play together again and speak to you.

She may be feel nervous that if she makes it a certain day then you are tied into a long term arrangement for ever more on that day, where as doing it by dates means it doesn't become that way. Doesn't mean she doesn't like you just means she likes variety.

Original poster

limitedwarranty · 05/05/2010 18:54

I have not expressed myself very well - she has not arranged a date - she emailed to say that she would email me to meet up again. I have seen quite a lot of her over the last 18 months but it still feels awkward and strange to me that we never just pick up the phone - email and formal dates in the diary doesn't feel to me like a proper friendship.

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thisisyesterday · 05/05/2010 18:56

oh fgs "dates in the diary" is just a turn of phrase/

your friend means/.. lets arrange a DAY to meet u[p and let's put it in our diaries so we don't forget

if you want to see her again tell her a day. if you don't then say s!o

boogeek · 05/05/2010 18:56

If I didn't email or text and make formal dates to see my friends, proper and otherwise, we would never see each other

hana · 05/05/2010 18:56

i have friends that I never chat to on the phone - it's more texts or emails to meet up - just a different kind of friendship that's all. not a mate for life, but easy enough when kids are little

boogeek · 05/05/2010 18:56

(Or, you know, they email/text me - am not a stalker )

thisisyesterday · 05/05/2010 18:57

i never use the phone as i really, really hate using it.
i nearly always arrange to see friends via text or e-mail or on facebook! does that mean i am not a proper friend

it doens't sound like you liek her that much so why not just let her know and then you don't need to see her any more

pagwatch · 05/05/2010 18:59

can I say - you say 'we see each other just to fill the time"

Is that how you feel about her friendship?

Do you really like her or is she the person you put up with because you don't feel like you have anyone else?

I have friends I only ever text or email because I never remember to call but I am in the habit of doing emails when I do 'business' type ones.

LadyintheRadiator · 05/05/2010 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smithagain · 05/05/2010 19:00

I organise most of my social life by email and dates in diary. Because I work from home (unpredictable hours) and also do voluntary stuff and my diary is complicated. I do spontaneous coffees etc with people I bump into regularly (e.g. at school gate) but anyone else needs to be in the diary or I just don't get round to it. It hasn't ever occured to me that people might analyse the reason I use a diary to organise my life .

I'm also not a chatter on the phone person. It's just a personality thing - not keen on the phone.

If you want to see her, make a date. If you don't, make an excuse. It's up to you.

Original poster

limitedwarranty · 05/05/2010 19:17

Hana has made the point I am trying to get across - not friends for life but fine when the kids are small - that is how I feel this friendship is - I do like her and have always liked her but I feel that it what I am - I never see her without the children, never see her and her husband at the weekend (we invited them to sunday lunch a yr ago and never got an invite back) - I feel deflated and depressed by friendship like this - I would like to phone up and say "do you fancy meeting up this afternoon" but don't feel I can - we live 5 mins from one another so why should things be so formal?

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Original poster

limitedwarranty · 05/05/2010 19:23

Might I just add - neither of us work, it is all coffee mornings/toddler groups and meeting other moms so nothing hugely complicated so not like some of situations you are describing. I feel that she is fitting me in when it suits and I feel depressed by that. I moved here with a young child and now have two and feel that I have lots of acquiantances but no real friends and I am trying to explain the situation with this mom as I have known her the longest.

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pagwatch · 05/05/2010 19:24

But limited even if you two see the friendship differently , that is no reason to be deflated or depressed.

If your child says to you one day that they want to play with x child at playtime but x wants to go in the sandpit, then you will say 'then find someone who does wantto play the same as you'
It may be advice for a child but it is still true.

You two may like each other but see the friendship differently. That is not worth garment rending.
See her or don't see her. Butthere is as little point in wishing a friendship to be more meanigful to the other party than a romance.

If this friendship does not match your needs then find some other friends.

TotalChaos · 05/05/2010 19:26

agree with Pagwatch. If you feel your friendship is more of an acquaintance, then start focussing on other people/activities. out of interest, how old was her son when he was being aggressive?

pagwatch · 05/05/2010 19:26

ah x-posted

I see a bit better what you mean now.

pagwatch · 05/05/2010 19:29

she is the one you have known the longest. Is she also the one you like the best?

Do you think it is possible that you have become a bit passive about the friends who are available rather than really seeking outthe people who may be the most fun, or the most dependable?

My best friend has just moved . But we became friends because she decided . I was a bit depressed and a bit shy and she just sort of adopted me.
If she hadn't been pushy I would never have asserted it. Is it possible you should be choosing rather than being chosen a bit more

pagwatch · 05/05/2010 19:30

sorry. I am sounding a bit strident. But I was you about five years ago

MollieO · 05/05/2010 19:33

To OP I reckon we wouldn't be friends if dates in the diary and emails don't count as a 'proper' friendship. I'd have no friends at all if I didn't do both of those!

I wouldn't take it so personally. Ime the more ad hoc the arrangements the less close the friendship. I make an effort to see close friends, even if there is planning involved. I make less effort to see acquaintances and as a result those arrangements may seem less formal but, to me, mean less too.

LadyintheRadiator · 05/05/2010 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

limitedwarranty · 05/05/2010 19:39

Thank you - I was hoping to express myself well enough for people to understand what I am trying in my ham-fisted way to say. Her son was about 20 mo and I know it was a phase but it was really stressful for me as obviously upsetting to see someone snatching and pushing my daughter (same age as him) and was really worried about him around the baby (I have 15mo between the 2). We were never able to speak about this openly so it caused an unspoken problem.
I feel other people are doing the choosing - I have been absolutely knackered as we still don't sleep (baby now a yr old) and I have been a bit depressed and I feel that I don't smile/sparkle and it all feels superificial and it gets me down.

I feel other people choose me if they want to - and don't.

I have lost a lot of confidence and just don't know how to make friends anymore. We are probably moving again in the summer and I am quite keen to move and have a fresh start.

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