toddler just starting to argue

[blueberrysorbet]

my ds is getting quite arguementative, he is just 3, shouting go away, muttering at me and then saying "nothing" when i ask what he said, being like a friends teenager tbh! any tips? i make an effort not to be rude and sharp myself of course- how to react to him, get him to realise is unpleasant to say things in that way etc? i do explain but he says "mummy.... come on.." or looks anywhere but at me.

Sounds like you're doing the right things blueberrysorbet, it's frustrating though when it doesn't seem to sort it out! FWIW, I find that just being consistent over period of time pays off in the end..most things with children(good and bad - lol!) don't last forever! Is there anything that sets off this behaviour, or is he getting overtired, changes at home or outside that might be contributing? If you feel that he's doing it a lot, and you're constantly dealing with it, maybe try withdrawing attention and letting mutterng etc just go, but then chat and engage with him when he's settled down and behaving in a more positive way. You may have tried/thought about these things, but just in case it helps! All the best

He is a threenager! Mine both started to answer back, be rude - say "hurtful" things like "I don't like you mummy" at this age.

I agree with scousemum - He is just pushing boundaries, and you must try t remember that this is normal and it's not "personal". Try very hard to maintain your adult status and don't get drawn into arguing or long explanations, as this can reward the rudeness with attention. For instance - if he says "I don't like you" - say "Well I like you", and walk away

Some of the time, they are expressing their anger or frustration about something else onto you - a bit like kicking the cat. In those moments, try and focus on what they are trying to communicate with the rudeness, rather than on the rudeness itself - and help them with whatever it is.

I found "Playful Parenting" to be quite a useful book - especially helpful in finding was to get round resistance in a playful and humourous way

BTW - this phase doesn't last until they are real teenagers! - IME. they calmed down a lot around 4, and then there was another flare-up of rudeness at 6

that is so helpful! yes, its when he is tired and or hungry, so i will hve to work on that. he told me in the bath that he hated me so i just said well thats a shame as I really like you, and just ignored him.

my dh finds it VV hard and the in laws advocate smacking which I don't so can see trouble ahead there. think dh does smack when i am not there-

Oh dear. I hope you can persuade your DH there are better ways of dealing with what is NORMAL behaviour

My five year old still gets in horrible moods when tired or low blood sugar...deadly combination, which by the 3rd child I should know better and avoid! For me , it's those times when you're busy and you forget to offer an extra snack, or cart them all over the place to get things done...then, it all starts....
It's upsetting when they say unkind things..but it isn't meant, he's just expressing his anger/frustration/or some other mood. I guess we do it as adults too, usually to people close to us ?!
Be kind to yourself, walk away and have a cuppa..and don't ponder on the meaning of it all!

It's a HORRIBLE phase isn't it. We're in the thick of it now, threenager is a great way to describe it. My way of diffusing it is to offer DD a cuddle, she can't resist a cuddle, but she does try and carry on the grumpy behaviour during it

It's not personal. They don't really hate you.

I agree with Lionstar. An offer of a hug often diffuses the situation.

I also agree with Jamiewith... turning things into games helps as well. My sons are older now, but they used to think it was funny if I said 'OK then, in my hand I've got a pile of mud and I'm going to rub it in your hair'. They say 'I've got a pile of worms' and rub it on your tummy and it goes on and you just get sillier and it changes the atmosphere.

blueberrysorbet - I have been thinking about this thread a bit more. Wary though I am of starting a smacking vs not smacking debate, I'm a bit concerned about what you said in your last post abut DH maybe smacking when you are not there.

I don't advocate smacking as a"planned" form of discipline (but I have smacked once or twice out of frustration). What worries me is that

a) you and DH aren't in agreement about it
b) he may be "hiding" it from you
c) he's smacking because he doesn't really understand 3 year old behaviour (God knows it's not easy), can't think of anything else to try, and is doing out of frustration. Not a good combination.

If this is the case, then your DS may become more angry and frustrated. DCs need to know that the adults round them can absorb the strong emotions that they are conveying through their "bad" behaviour without the adult becoming angry as well and lashing out

Don't get me wrong. I am not accusing your DH of being abusive, or of causing this (I did not smack but my DSs have both been angry and difficult at times), but you do maybe need to work together to understand your little boy.

no offence jamie, good points. agree not a want smack thread

I have lots of chats with dh about how smacking is crap and where does it end etc etc? he agrees with me but worries ds will become nightmare teen... philip larkin springs to mind! dh himself is so tired with work and stress of money that i guess he just has a shorter fuse and also he had strict parents more excuses! he works about 17 hours a day away from home and it would be impossible to hide it from me as ds is a dreadful sneak and we spend all time togther as a family otherwise. i have a baby as well, so i make lots of time for ds when baby is asleep
HOWEVER, i have made more effort to keep ds busy and never hungry- also have put lots of baby pics of him out to remind us all he was a baby not long ago.

thanks all for posting, love threenager have relaxed about the muttering, which seems to have worked rather dramatically so BIG THANK YOU

This is my favourite memory of conversation with toddler:

-I hate you!!! I don't want you to be my Mummy!
-Well, that doesn't matter, darling, because I am your Mummy and I shall always be your Mummy.
-Not when I'm grown up!
-Yes, even when you're grown up. You may go and live in your own house, but I shall still be your Mummy.
-No , you'll be dead then.

I hope it reassures you to know that she is now a rather lovely teenager, very reasonable and sensible and absolutely not a nightmare.

blueberry - It's funny that your DH is worried about your DS becoming a nightmare teen. I too worried about this, because some of the behaviour at this age does seem teenage.

I've got a theory about this: both age groups are undergoing a change, between baby and child in 3 year olds, and between child and adult in teenagers. The tasks are similar - separation and independence and self-control. Hence kicking against parents. But the fears are similar too - will my parents still be there - I need them to support me because getting older is scary....