One easy child. One difficult child. One increasingly guilty and depressed mother.

[Aubergines]

My DDs are very young, and I know things might change, but at the moment I am really struggling.

DD1 is nearly 4. She is a happy, content and cooperative little thing. She has been since birth.

DD2 is 17 months. She us very frustrated by life. She whines, moans and cries ALOT. She won't sit in a buggy without crying. She won't sit in a high chair. She won't amuse herself. She wants me to hold her all the time then complains and wriggles when I do. Since birth she has been prone to unfathomable tempers.

This dynamic impacts on us all. DD1 suffers as we are always busy dealing with DD2. We can't go on many outings etc as DD2 will ruin them. Holidays ditto. Sometimes DD1 cries that DD2's shouting is hurting her head. DH and I aren't enjoying family time as much as me should and feel immensley guilty. DD2 clearly needs something different but I know not what.

How do people cope with their feelings towards such different children? I love DD2 to bits, she has her lovely affectionate points too, but I feel awful when I frequeny catch myself regretting she is not more like her sister.

Has anyone experienced similar? Did the same dynamic perpetuate? How did you make the most of your situation?

Your dd2 sounds like my dd, my eldest.

Somewhere between 1 and 2 she grew out of it and is lovely, I think part of it was frustration at not being able to do things/communicate

my second, my ds is v easygoing like your eldest, but fwiw I still find myself occupied with him a lot and his needs due to his age (11 months)

I think maybe you have to just ride it out

with dd I didn't let her crabbiness stop is going out, I would have gone mad

we did favour outdoor outings lol

I am also trying to give he one on one time at the weekend, on sat I took her to the cinema +to a cafe which she loved

maybe your dd might like this, it could just be you 2 at the park while your dh is with the baby

hth good luck and chin up

Aubergines - you're not the only one who is in this position. My DD has always been a really good child in most ways(well, most of the time!) but DS who is now 15 months is soooo different we do often find ourselves saying "But DD didn't do that". We are really having to work hard to realise that no 2 children are the same and you have to parent accordingly - also that we were v v smug about DD and that DS is out just deserts. When DS is in a wingey mood it is difficult to do anything and like yours DD gets frustrated and annoyed that her activities are interrupted. I don't have any great solution I'm afraid, although we have been encouraging them to play together, which DD loves and seems to keep DS happy. Simple things like peek-a-boo or rolling a ball on the floor. It buys a bit of peace. Your DD2 will probably grow out of it when she learns to communicate a bit more. HTH

Thanks both. It is nice to hear from others with similar experiences.

Chibi - I am very cheered that your DD was a difficult under 2 but is now lovely. One of the things I keep wondering about is whether difficult babies inevitably turn into difficult children and therefore whether our current family dynamic will perpetuate. It's good to hear that's not necessarily the case. Was it talking that helped her turn a corner?

Aubergines, I have the same dynamic with my 2 boys, my elder one is pretty easy-going, while my younger one has whinged and whined from the age of 8 months on (they are now 5 and 3). It is VERY difficult and has had me reduced to tears on many occasions, but I can honestly say it is getting better as he gets older and becomes more rational. I think the worst phase for us was when he was between 18 months and 2, he just seemed to cry non-stop, would not want to be put down and was generally a real pain to everyone around him! I realised that he's actually a very sensitive child, and accepting this played a big part in coping with the situation. I had to really put my own feelings (mainly of anger and irritation) to one side and just stay as calm as possible. Also, we found that dividing and conquering worked as a policy for us - we would split the kids up at weekends to give the older one a bit of respite and the younger one some much-needed one-on-one. Finally, my best piece of advice is just to batten down the hatches and ride it out, as it will get better the older your DD gets. Good luck!

Would you consider taking your youngest to see a cranial osteopath? It is quite normal for tantrums at this age, they can't articulate what they want, but this impacting too much on family life.

We have a similar problem. DD1 is 4 and VERY hard work. DD2 is 4 months old and right from day one she has been the perfect baby always smiling, very content, sleeps through the night and feeds well. We hardly know weve got her most of the time!

DD1 has always been very whingy, can't amuse herself, looks for attention all the time, screams/plays up/shouts over us whenever anyone else is talking because she hasn't got the attention. Wont do as she is told/does the opposite. We are really struggling with her and i am racked with guilt about how much i am enjoying DD2. I love DD1 to bits, she is such a bright funny little soul We do so much together and the majority of my attention goes on her. She is Good company and very chatty. But she has reduced me to tears so often lately. Im really working on what 2boytantrum said, trying to put my feelings of anger and irritation to one side and stay calm.

I have no advice really, just wanted to say you are not alone with this, i hope your little one grows out of this soon.

i have one kid with Autism and ADHD, and one kid, three years younger, who has just about caught the eldest up in the maturity stakes.

It took my boyf to point out that if I actually listen to my four year old occasionally instead of constantly making him wait while I deal with his 7 year old brother, my four year old is a polite, pleasant little boy. He only whines when he's being unfairly ignored.

it's like the eldest's behavioral problems (or the way I fail to deal with them effectively) are causing behavioral problems in the youngest

Thanks again. I am so sorry that others are suffering similar and sometimes even worse problems. But I cannot tell you how much hope I take from the stories of difficult young children turning into nice older children.

I know it's important to make time for DD1 so she doesn't lose out for being good. I am increasingly doing that and she clearly loves our "big girl" outings. The problem come when we are at home. If DD2 happens to be in an ok mood and DD1 does something to wind her up (she us 3 after all) I come down on DD1 like a tonne of bricks because I am so desperate to preserve DD2's rare good mood. It's not fair on DD1 at all as I am taking out my stress on her. I try so hard not to do this but my nerves are frayed by it all. Sometimes I feel like I am going to ruin DD1's lovely disposition due to my own faults and her sister's issues.

the sad thing is, Aubergines, is that this is quite possible. I know people will say "don't be silly" about it, but it's a real worry. Ds2 gets 'pounced' on at the first sign of difficult behavior, because in the back of my mind is a panicky voice saying "Not you too, I can't cope if you start too!"

It must seem to him like his brother gets away with 6murder^.

I would actually suggest that you and DD1 keep a star chart of when DD2 is good. Just to make yourselves remember she is sometimes.
I would also suggest that baby massage (or the Cranial osteopath) might be useful. Do make sure there is nothing wrong? Does she not like the pushchair because she would rather be crawling? or is it sitting she has a problem with? Are there times she is happier than others? Does she go to toddler groups? Is she bored? Does she need to get out early in the morning?
Does DD1 go to nursery, have time away from her sister?
It will not always be like this. My DD1 was a fairly easy baby after her big brother, but is now the one who irritates me with her whining. DD2 was a dream after the others, and is now a stress as she has extremely low self-esteem (she doesn't like herself much and so doesn't believe anyone else likes her).
Try to look for the positive in DD2, work hard not to see DD1 as good and DD2 as bad, as people do lie up to labels.

But You are NOT alone! Good luck!