Differing parenting bewtween ex and myself

[feelrubbish]

Separated from ex 2 years agodue to his emotioanal abuse and smashing up house etc when not getting own way.

He only saw the dc with his parents for the first year (his choice)

Over the past year he has then at his house about 3 overnights per month always at the weekend.

Usually he takes them home from his mums when they are in pyjamas so all he has to do is out them in bed and give then breakfast play with them until my allocated pick up time about 11-12pm. So not alot of time and not a stessful time.

dc are 4.0 and 5.6 now.

I have evolved into a sort of unconditional paretning style (a know labels are not that useful just to aid description)
I have never and plan not to smack my children, try and be fair, rarely use any punishment like time out. Use positive reinforcement for behaviour like sticker chartd when underisable behaviour become an issue like talking back etc. They go to sleep in their own bed but often have one or both in my bed by the morning. Works well for us but I know many others disagree as we all have differnt parenting styles.

My ex has the strong disciplining approach - which I am worried about as I think it is bullying but I want other prespectiveas to whether I should worry about this or whether I just have to accept that he is different to me.

dc's always complain that he shouts very loud and for a long time when they don't get ready fast enough, finish their breakfast or wake him during the night. They both say they are frightened at the time. they told me today that he frequently smacks ds2 (not ds1) and it is sore.
They say it is only when he is at his house, when they are with gran it is OK.
Tonight I asked ds2 how he had got his bruise on his head - he said daddy did it (not sure if this is true as there was no mark when he came home and he has banged himself there before) and ds1 said don't say that daddy will be angry if he hears you saying that,

I tried to reassure then that they could tell me anything and I wouldn't be angry or upset.

My parents (who were v strict and I was frequently smacked but were otherwise good parents) feel I am too soft and don't take my concerns seriously.

What do you think?

I will speak to his mum about how the dc's are unhappy with shoutng etc as he won't listen to dc's but not sure what good it will do.

Is this out of keeping with acceptable parenting or is this just part of life as separated parents?

BTW my dc's school and nursery both feel they are very well behaved so it is not as thought they are wild.

This is the hardest thing I am in a slightly similar situation. XP always made it clear he was going to smack etc. I am more UP, HTT minded. If it is limited to this and the shouting then it's awful for you to know that, but there is nothing you can do, because he is their parent and he has the right to discipline him as he wants.

However, the bruise thing, that is worrying - if he is hitting him hard enough to leave a mark then that IS illegal and you can do something about it, I am not sure what though.

Sorry for short post DS woke up

i just want to give you some advice, photogrph everything! every mark! also take them to the doctors so its on there record. write every thing down dates times childrens comments etc. i went through an abusive relationship and the courts stil give him contact despite what my older children say about violence there father does. Be warned if this ever gets more serious and you stop contact the courts will take away your kids if you claim abuse against your ex and cannot back it up with HARD EVIDENCE. It may be nothing too serious at the moment but if he thinks he can get wawy with it the abuse will only get worse belive me ive been there. courts always let fathers have contact with there children if they want it even if they are being abused emotionally or physically remember he will deny it all and claim parent alientation syndrome!

Yes good idea to take a photo of the bruise and just make a note of the children's comments and the date on which they said them. Just in case it escalates, as as you say it might have been an accident. I hope it does prove to just be a bruise caused by rough and tumble playing etc. Could you speak to your health visitor, ask her advice? Then at least it will be on record that you are concerned.

With the discipline thing, I do think that children are adaptable and they will have the most influence from the parent they live with most of the time (ie you) so try not to worry too much about the long term effects of the parenting he chooses to use. It is the worst thing though, I can't bear to think that XP might be hitting DS and there is nothing I can do about it He is 18 months so not sure whether he would yet, but he can't talk much yet so I won't know until he is older anyway. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing!

Is awful isn't it. The dc's clearly distinguish their dad's behaviour when he is at his mums from when he is on his own which lead to to believe that he know he is too rough with them or else he would do it all the time.

On this occassion it is a small bruise on his forehead and I just assumed he had banged himself so I was surprised at their response.

I have now just reanalysed that my ds1 said about their dad being angry i they said he did it and worry that he has told them not to tell me things.

I am worried though if get photos etc and document things and something serious happens in the future that I would be critised for not doing anything earlier.

That is terrible kittycat - what age are your children?

ds1 seems to love going to his dad, ds2 hated it which I find so difficult.

I will try and explain to them that they should never keep anything secret from me (and obviously explain that they can tell their dad anything I say)

I feel so sick thinking about it. ds2 was telling me that his cheeks were very red after their dad was shouting so much in the middle of the night as they wouldn't lie still (they had gone into his bed)

I feel I am letting them down - I have tried to explain to ex before that they are frightened by him and offered to go on parenting courses etc when we were together to try and help. But he doesn't see anything wrong.

Bertiebotts - I'm sure your ex isn't smacking your ds (hopfully) but my ex seems to expect perfect behaviour from ds2 (not ds1 ) from about 12 months. He once got really upset and shouted at him for picking up and eating crumbs off the floor when he was 13 months.

Will document everything and take a picture of the bruise and try and gently chat to them again tomorrow.

I hope your right bertie and they do take most influence from the main parent. When I see lovely, caring dads with their children I feel so sad as I realsie that although I am doing fine with them just now how much their life could be enriched by a caring, supportive dad.

Do take photos now and mention it to your HV, tell her you are not sure - then you have done something, but at the same time you are not marching in with the police accusing him of anything. I think that is all you can do.

i dont think i am getting at all dads accidents do happen, most dads are great with thier kids and obviously all parents need to disapline theier children. i just wanted to you to be aware of the facts my dd s are 15 12 10 . trust your instincts at all times remember you know your children best the point i was trying to make was while you may give the father the benefit of the doubt in these things if you you dont document things and then it gets worse, hopefully not, you wont have a leg to stand on if you stop contact to protect your child at court they will say that you are just being nasty to your ex in stopping contact and then give your ex residence order. in over 70% of cases where the mother claims abuse without enough evidence this happens. I just wanted you to be fully aware of the facts before anything if at all eccalates. best wishes though.

my ex hit my dd when she was with him....he left a mark....i informed my solicitor who sent a letter stating he must not physically chastise them. he was too scared to do it again,but turned to shouting/intimidation instead....they hated going,he got worse with thewm as they got older. it all deteriorated.

it went to court as i stopped his access,and he didnt impress either the judge or cafcass,so he was awarded NO contact whatsoever (other factors involved)

I'm in a similar position Feelrubbish my DS1 is very scared of his dad and I stopped contact last year because of his abusive behaviour towards me in front of them. I documented every incident that happened with the children and he has contact with them at the contact centre now.

However, this is only temporary as contact can't stay there forever and my ex has taken me back to court to have overnight access. So CAFCASS wil do a wishes and feelings report and we'll take it from there.

Kittycat I think that whilst you may be right, you've skipped quite a few of the steps in between. If there is an accusation of abuse the courts will ask for a fact finding report where each party has to prove what they are saying. Contact would be reinstated if there was no proof. If contact was then stopped after this then it's possible they might give residency to the other party, eventually, but they now have new powers to fine that parent. I don't think it's as straight forward as you are saying.

IME, parenting styles often polarise when parents are separated - the softer one parent is, the harsher the other one becomes, and vice versa, in an infernal cycle. Be careful that this isn't happening here - maybe you should sit down with your ex and try to establish your common aims for your DC and then work backwards to work out what sort of parenting style will help you both achieve them without confusing your DC.

true bonsoir...and also,dc soon pick up how to play one off against the other ime!!

you have to pick through the whole contact thing and pick your battles cos its a long road ahead!

yes i see what you are saying dollywat i was just summerising but if you can not prove abuse at the fact finding hearing your credability at court is reduced and you are then made out to be a total liar despite what the children tell cafcass the father claims parental alienation syndrome in most cases. if the judge does not belive what you are stating he CAN give custody to the other parent i have recently been told this by my barrister as my childen refuse to go for contact. i also have some medical records also but as the children have not gone for 18months the court would say its not recent so if i refuse overnight contact then he will deffinately get custody.my point was document all evidence even if you are giving the other parent the benefit of the doubt on these few occatiosions because if you dont you wont have enough evidence beacause independant evidence which the court looks for is nearly impossible to get as the abuser does not do it in front of independant people.

Thanks kittycat - I do understand what you are saying. I will document everything incase things get worse - hopefully they won't. I obviously want my dc's to see their dad and have actively encouraged it, I obviously have a responsibility to ensure they are safe regardless of who is looking after him

Bonsoir - if only it was that simple. I would love to sit down with him and dicuss how we should look after our children. Any discussion he gets aggressive and shouts and won't let me talk.
I have decided that I need to have a third party present when I try and discuss things with him as then he will try and appear more repsonable.

I accept different parenting styles and accpet lots of dofferent variations are fine and don't believe my way is best and accept that things need revised over time.

Yes if definately a long road ahead - makes you realsie how important it is not to worry about the small stuff.

dc have settles down although they are staying they only want to stay at their dad if go to - difficult to know whether they don't like going or they just don't to go without me as that feel more "normal".