crap mother wanting help..

[Clarabumps]

i'm sure ive posted something like this before on here but feel the need to vent and see if anyone else feels like this. i have two boys aged 1 and 2.10 and am a sahm. I dont know where to begin.. i feel like such a crap mother. I have no motivation at all. I dont feel like i do anything useful with my kids, i just muddle through the day untill its time to get them to bed. cbeebies is pretty much my saviour at the moment and i feel soooo guilty all the time.
Im so bored im close to tears most days. I try and do activities with them but it seems to always turn into a fight or a tantrum with either one of them.
Im trying to potty train ds2 and its going ok(3rd attempt) but i feel emotionally exhausted.
i try really hard to keep on top of the washing/ironing/general tidying but i spend my whole life looking after the boys and being a housewife and i feel like theres nothing to show for it.

dp comes into a nice dinner every night and the house in a reasonably tidy state and then i have to chat away and put my happy face on as he thinks when im upset its somehow a reflection on our life. that i'm not happy with us. Its not that but im just so bloody lonely and unfulfilled. i resent that he gets to leave and have some time away from us even though he works really long hours.i dont have a minute to scratch my head and yet i get nothing done. I dont know where i have gone. i just feel like a caretaker.

ive been to loads of mother and toddler groups and soft play groups but i live in a really small town and everyone seems to just loooove being a mum. I just feel as though im doing this half-arsed. The boys are such a handful and i know that comes with the territory of having two small ones. i just cant seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel.help/sugguestions anyone?anyone else even feeling like this..

Clarabumps You are not on your own. And we only have one handful DS. It must be very hard when they are both so little yet.

After DS was born I continued to study for my accounting exams, so after 6-months DS was spending 1 day a week in nursery. After that I was lucky enough to find a part-time job, where you do not have to do overtime. It is a bliss. It is lovely to have adult company without having to talk about children for 24 hours a week. We do not have any family here, so my DH and I spend all our time with DS outside the nursery hours.

Financially it would not be viable for us with 2 kids, as the nursery fees are astronomical and this type of civilised part-time work does not pay well. Would part-time work / volunteering be an option for you?

You need to speak to soembody about it? Your DH, your friends, Mom? Please, ask for help.

BTW DH offered to pay for 1 day in the nursery before I had a job. So it is worth asking your loved one

I really spmpathise, it can be so boring, and when we were growing up nobody played with us so it's new to have to entertain our kids. I too find it lonely, I just put a brave face on and am waiting for when ours start school, which is years away!

You do need to talk to someone, get some adult company around you somehow, maybe even go in and talk to your midwife. I really hope things improve, I find it hard to believe everybody loves being a mum, you just give it your best and try and not beat yourself up too much.

Clarabumps being a mum is the hardest thing out. Would agree with other posters you need time out & adult company. Even though my 3 dd's all all school / preschool age i still dread when they're at home. Where do you live?

We've got just one DD, ten months old, who I adore, but I have spent dozensof-- a few occasions lately trying to explain to DH (and myself) why I feel so lost and frankly, rather miserable a lot of the time. I couldn't love our DD more but it seems that the truth is that so much of childcare, especially when you are doing it full time, is utterly, mind-numbingly boring.
I am going back to work, part-time in a month and although i've been dreading it for so long, I think it will be good for me. It might not be possible for you to work at all, as with the cost of childcare for 2 it would probably actually cost you, but all I know is that if I get to see other adults, friends, family whoever, then I feel like a person again and when I don't I get very low, very quick. Find a way to just see other people, every other day as a minimum.
You're not a crap mum Clarabumps, you're a normal mum like all of us and if you're managing to take care of your LOs feeling the way you do then you're doing really well.
My DH also tends to think it is a reflection of 'us' when I have a moan or feel sad but don't take on the responsibility of his feelings too, just keep explaining how you feel until he tunesout-- gets it
Seriously, talk to him properly, give him a chance to understand and help you, he's your DH, he's on your side.

I haven't quite got the hang of the crossing out thingy there have I?!

You're not a crap mother at all, just a fairly typical one by the sounds of it. I'm pretty convinced that there are more of us who find spending every waking moment with tiny people mind-numbing and spirit crushing than there are those who find it fulfilling and amazing!

Going back to work saved my sanity, seriously, and my entire family are better off for it, since I'm no longer a grumpy, short-tempered, generally neglectful mum.

You need to find yourself an outlet. Gym with a creche? Part-time job or volunteering? Evening class? Toddler groups and soft play are all very well, but you're still on 'mum duty' while you're there. You really need time off!

dont beat youself up about it, I think whatever your situation it can be hard, i work and have just one dc but I know that I feel exhuasted because I DO work and then every minute when Im not at work I have my dd and she is an only child and extremely demanding.I feel like I never get any time just to be me, go and get my hair cut, wander around the shops and have a long hot bath
I havent go the money to keep taking her to places and she likes going to the park etc but always wants someone to play with and gets bored.I get so stressed out sometimes as she is literally hanging off my neck or legs I want to scream!
you are NOT alone and its not a crime