I think I handled telling DS something sad badly...

[SalFresco]

DS1 is nearly 4. Last week, my sister split up with her long term boyfriend, who DS1 adores (ds2 is only 6 months). DH and I decided to tell DS1 that they had split up, as we were due to be seeing my sister at the weekend and he always asks for her boyfriend - who he refers to as Uncle - and I was worried that she would cry about it, and the whole thing would be really traumatic. He is so persistent as well - even if we had deflected it at the weekend, he would have kept on. We tried to be really gentle about it, but he has taken it very badly. He lay in bed tonight crying about how much he loved his uncle, and he wanted to see him.

Now I'm so sad, and thinking I should have just always said Uncle was "away" or something, and hoped that eventually DS1 would have forgotten about him. DH disagrees - he says DS1 sees him as part of the family, and will only continue to ask - he is not likely to "just forget" him, anymore than he is likely to forget any other member of our family.

But I feel awful that I have upset DS1 and introduced the concept of breaking up into his life. He has already asked if DH and I are going to break up, and if Uncle doesn't like him anymore.

Did I handle this really badly, and is there anything I can do about it?!

So what did you tell him exactly, that they had split up? That probably won't mean a lot to him?

I explained to DD recently that nanny was going to live with another family because they needed her and she was completely blase about it by the next day. Attachments in small children are a bit unpredictable though.

Incidentally, one of the brilliant things about parenting small children is you get a chance to try conversation again because they don't generally listen or remember what you say, so try again tomorrow.

Don't feel bad you did what you thought was best and that is all we parents can do. I personally would have done the same because I believe in being honest with children to a certain extent.

Children are more resillent than we give them credit for I recently had to tell ds 4 that My mum's cat had died who he was attached to he cried a little was shook by the concept and still asks where she is sometimes but it does get easier and if it is any consolation I believe he handled it better than a older child would have.

He will be fine give him time and he will be happy is there any way you could arrange for him to see the uncle.

He was asking if he was going to see Uncle, as well as Auntie at the weekend, and this was the cue...I said that we wouldn't be seeing him at the weekend, and that we might not see him very much anymore...DH used the words "split up" to "helpfully" answer the inevitable "Why?" from DS1 - I explained that this meant that Uncle and Auntie were not going to be living together anymore, or seeing each other, as they still liked each other but were not going to be special friends like they used to be.

We have had several conversations about it - we actually told him yesterday, and he cried and was very upset - he has mentioned it several times today - and then tonight was the crying in bed.

Slushy06, I would like for him to still see him in theory, but in practice, I don't know if it would work...

I've always said I believe in an appropriate version of honesty, but it was so upsetting to hear him...and of course I am sad for my sister too, who is so down

I think you did absolutely right to tell the truth. You can't say every time that he's gone away - how long would that go on for?! I do believe in telling them the truth, in a way they can understand. Just keep answering his questions and explain as much as you need to. It might take a few chats before it sinks in though!

I know how you must feel.
I had to tell my two DD that my dad died at Christmas time. It was very upsetting for them to hear.

Sorry to hear that Choconelli

I know that it is better to be honest, but I also felt like I wanted to shield him from anything sad...not realistic I know! What doesn't help is that my mum thinks I shouldn't have told him, and just deflected any questions until he "forgot"...I'm glad that others think I did the right thing.

Sal, I am another one who thinks you did the right thing - it was sad for him, it was hard for you, but you cannot, no matter how much you want to, shield him from everything sad in the world. It's OK to be sad that he won't see his Uncle again, and it's also good for him to know that it's OK to feel like that.

Hello - I think you did it right although 'split up' might sound like something a bit different to him and you might need to focus on the explanation of it meaning 'not together as a couple' rather than 'split up into tiny bits like when he smashed his Easter Egg'?

He might think his special uncle has been physically hurt?

I've been having similar with littlemad who is also 4 as our cat was put down last week and he keeps going back to the conversation. He started with the idea that 'died' just means going away (are you going to die at the office today Mummy?) and he's now getting there, but we've been talking about it every day

for your DS and all the trauma