Are you more "biased" towards children who are more like you were as a child?

[Cobweb95]

Not sure that's the best way to put it, but can't think of a better explanation.

What is mean is....I was a very shy, anxious child. Never spoke up in a group, missed out on things like treats at parties because I didn't come forward or say anything. I seem to have turned out ok anyway, but, now I notice that I tend to want to stand up for kids who seem to be like that.

I was thinking about this recently when dd(5) had 2 little girls over to play. One of them is very quiet and shy, she's only recently felt comfortable enough to come over without her mum. The other is the complete opposite, nice kid but really loud and dominant. She tries to control everything and boss the others around if they let her. My dd is pretty good at standing up for herself and negotiating (she's number 4!) but the other little girl was being pushed around too much, imo. We had one bike and 2 girls and they both wanted it first. It was obvious who was going to win the fight (I tried to leave them to sort it out) and instinctively I just wanted to let the shy girl have it first. I'm aware that's not necessarily fair! But I remember being in that kind of situation at that age and it's horrible.

I've noticed that the dominant girl's mum seems to think it's all fine and good that her dd is "assertive" as she puts it. She's a very dominant sort of person herself.

Just interested to hear other's views on this really....

I'm the opposite really, I have 3 dds and one of them is the most like me (in mine and other people's opinion) - she's argumentative, opinionated, confident, talkative, bossy. My other two are much gentler children. And while I empathise with the bossy assertive one, I'm toughest on her, I try and stop her dominating things with her sisters or with other children. So does DP though and he identifies most with our dreamy forgetful dd. Both of us are toughest on the bolshy over-confident one, cos she's the sort of child who loves to push boundaries and argue (so do I )

so on, not really, I'd say.

Yes definitely.

I coach my daughter's netball team and I do think I favour the introverted children. Can't help it...

My DD is an outgoing extrovert, and I am slightly in awe of her - just as I was with those type of people when I was a child.

I was an extrovert child, and am definitely drawn to similar children now.

I always felt as though people were trying to squash me as a child, and as a result try and squash myself a bit as an adult.

I can't help the way I am, though. I shed the bossiness, but I still get overexcited and seem to draw attention to myself without intending to.

So I feel sorry for extrovert children who are always being suppressed.

So I think I agree with the Op!

I agree with you that it's easier to empathise with kids showing similar behaviours.

As well as that, does anyone else notice it happen on things like birth order? My DH is a secondborn of 3 boys; his older brother now has 3 girls and (occasionally) it strikes me rather hard that DH's obvious favourite is also the second born girl.

Not me. I am in complete awe of children who show people skills and manage to engage with other children on their terms- as that was precisely what I was bad at. I find myself beaming at them. MY own dcs are just like this: it's my MILs genes coming through. Totally unlike me- so I keep thinking they need more praise for it than they probably do.

Interesting!

Booboodeboo, interesting to hear what you said about feeling squashed. It's hard to get the balance right isn't it? Between being clear and firm and stomping all over a child's personality.

I was/am a talkative, bossy, argumentative extrovert and dd is very quiet, unnassertive, shy and gentle. It does feel strange sometimes. Over time I have come to look more positively on that temperament - but I'm sure I wouldn't have done if she had been like me.

I find I favour children who have certain similarities in family background to me.

Interesting question.

I was outgoing, and probably bossy, but not keen to see children acting like that now - maybe it makes me feel guilty in retrospect.

I was a tomboy, and hated having to play with friends who only wanted to spend hours brushing each others hair etc - and I now have little patience with girls who shriek at the idea of getting muddy, are obsessed with clothes, nails, looks, pink things, frilly things, and behave in that girly-shrieky way.

Interesting topic.

I was shy and quite inhibited as a child (still am although a little less so now) and I find myself wanting to intervene sometimes and stand up for children who aren't assertive.

A lot of people I know, however, say that they prefer loud, cheeky and bossy children and I could never understand why but maybe they were like that as children...

yes

Very interesting. Maybe it depends on how much we identify with ourselves as children and how we feel about those characteristics in ourselves now. Like Blu, I probably feel uncomfortable with some aspects of my childish self, so don't really like to see reminders of that in my own children. ON the other hand, like her there are other aspects (definitely the tomboy thing!) that I still feel comfortable with, so would tend to side with those traits.

cory - I think you're probably onto something there.

I was bullied from the age of seven to the age of eleven, and for a long time considered it to have been my fault.

However, over time I came to realise that - although I was bossy, and quite different to the other girls in my class - it was not my 'fault' at all. (Or theirs either).

I just wasn't like them.

I think the bossiness and the quick temper probably exacerbated things, but I was just learning social lessons. No point being ashamed of my natural inclinations - just had to learn to temper them a bit and realise the effect they had on other people.

Very long-winded - sorry.

To sum up, though, once I realised that child-me was basically someone I liked I felt much better about myself generally.

I'm not sure, I was a very shy introverted clingy anxious child, dd is the TOTAL opposite, loud, chatty, sociable confident, bossy domineeringetc.!

Although I empathise with them I find clingy shy children dare I say it...a bit irritating esp when they won't speak at all. I think it's maybe because they're such a contrast to dd.

I do find being with dd difficult sometimes though as there's such a personality clash. When we're out she chats to everyone and I'm then forced to talk to them too which I really don't want to do! She also wants company all the time whereas I prefer being alone, a LOT of the time.

saying that I'm so releived she's the way she is, i'd hate her to be inflicted with the anxiety and shyness I had as a child, it was a real burden and I was bullied mercilessly unable to stick up for myself. I'm so glad she makes friends easily and is confident.

yes.

Yes I agree that although I can totally identify with the shy ones, it's probably easier overall that my dcs are mostly outgoing and independent. It does mean they need firmer handling though!