Meltdowns at school pickup

[cumulonimbus]

My son, nearly 6, has started getting very emotional around school pickup. I was 2 mins late the other day and I found him sobbing in the classroom (he wasn't the last child left). Once I have picked him up, he gets very angry/upset if I stop and talk to other mums even for a very short time, and usually wants to leave school immediately. That's fine, but I can't help noticing that most other children in his year are playing happily with their friends while the mums chat, and it seems sad that he's not part of that. Yesterday he did want to stay and play, but was furious/upset with me when I went to stand in a slightly different place (not far away). On a different occasion, he lost sight of me for a few seconds as we were walking out of school together and was panicked and nearly in tears. It seems like a fear of being abandoned. He's always been a bit like this but it's got worse lately - don't know why. Obviously I need to make sure I am never late for pickup (this has hardly ever happened). But apart from that, I am not sure what to do. Some people might say that the meltdowns (when he will scream at me in the playground) should be treated firmly as attention-seeking/over-indulged behaviour, but that doesn't seem right when it seems linked to his fears/anxiety. He hates it if I ask him about this so it is hard to discuss. Any advice gratefully received!

sorry to hear you're having a rough time, this must be very upsetting for you.

What is he like at other times, i.e. at home, friends and family houses, park etc?

What does his teacher say?

My friend whose little boy is in my dd's class is still talking about the fact that his Mum wasn't there at pick up on the first day back this year. It seems to have really unsettled him and now his Mum has to go and peep at him through the window of the classroom when she gets there so he knows she is there. She too was only a minute late. Perhaps it has really knocked him. CAn you ask his teacher if he plays happily during the day?

Our school is slightly chaotic at pick up I think and I do try to stand in the same place if I can so my dd can find me. She is 6. She has always been a bit on the insecure side. I tell her that I have not gone to all of the trouble of making her myself just to leave her at school or in the park or wherever. Which is true.

Do you think he wants to get out of school and back home so he feels safe and like he knows where you are? Have you tried holding his hand while you stop for a chat so he feels as if he is with you. Tell him you are talking to your friends and he can stay right with you or he could have a little play if he wants. And you are going to tell him when you are finished and get him. You came to school to get him so you are not going to go without him!

Pick up is my favourtite part of the day I have to say. I do a lot of gossiping and my girls play in the school playground.

On a purely practical level he's quite possibly exhausted/tired/thirsty.

DS1 was a bit like this in reception and I always made sure I had snack/drink ready. I do also pretty much focus straight on ds1 when he comes out of the classroom and do my chatting to other mums before he comes out.

It is tricksy though when all the other dc's appear to be so calm although I do think its easy to think that other dc's seem a lot easier when in truth they all have their moments.

AGree absolutely with traceybath - if you can immediately get a small snack into your ds, things will improve a lot. He's still only 5 and there's so much going on at school that sometimes we have to treat them even as a toddler. Get the physical problems sorted on a regular basis and hopefully the meltdowns will become less obvious.

My ds is 7 and still needs to eat between the classroom door and the playground exit if we're to get home calmly. They tend to have a very early lunch (11.50) then spend an hour running in the playground, then have to concentrate all afternoon, so it's not surprising they need a fuel boost when they first see me.

Totally agree with the snack immediately , bananas worked wonders with my daughter, but we still had to go 'straight home mummy' and I eventually twigged she always went immediately to the loo for a poo! There's a lot for the wee things to cope with eh?

Not unusual, though I know it seems to you now as if he is the only boy in the world behaving like this. As the others have said, snacks help. And accepting that this is a time of day when you need to get away quickly and can't accept much rational conversation.

MamaG - What is he like at other times, i.e. at home, friends and family houses, park etc?
What does his teacher say?

Thanks for the support. When he's in his comfort zone, he is lively, quite loud and confident, likes joking and performing. At home he does want a LOT of attention - only child and not too good at playing on his own. At the park he's great about chatting to new kids. But he was very reluctant to go to friends' houses for playdates until fairly recently. His teacher (usually nice) said 'he's SO emotional' as though that was weird/a nuisance - not very helpful! Seems he has been having occasional meltdowns in class when he panics about things like being in the wrong place/everyone else being elsewhere (similar theme).

DS1 is about the same age. His reception teacher commented on what a 'drama queen' he was .

But he's calmed down a lot since being in yr1 but if he's tired/hungry it does get worse.

I would look at his diet, ask his teacher to make sure he is drinking during the day. Try to make sure what you give him has lots of slow release carbohydrates (so porridge would be ideal for breakfast, the less sugary cereals if possible). Also try to have a banana if he'll eat them for after school.
He could also be an introvert, and so is finding the school day very stressful, so needs so time alone to re-energize. My DS was always like this after school trips, I would get him home, let him be alone for an hour before asking anything.
Talk to the teacher about how she can help him cope with the school day. Does she have a visual timetable and stick to it? Does she warn the class about changes? Can she let him go somewhere quiet when it all gets a bit much? Book Corner?
good luck.

If it's any comfort, my middle dd is 7 and a bit like this. Not as extreme but she hates me chatting to other mums.

It just may be that he's had a tiring day at school and wants to leave the place asap! Maybe he needs the security of you coming at exactly the same time, being in the same place etc. Remember that he's still v young and school is still relatively new to him, he's in year 1 I'm presuming?

Maybe try a few weeks of being there early to pick him up and go straight home. When he feels a bit happier, explain to him beforehand that you might have a quick chat to x's mum and tell him exactly where you'll be standing.

It's a balance of making him feel secure but at the same time not letting him dicate every little thing to you.

Hope things improve.

My DD (age 9) is still like this... we've just learned to go with it, and go striaght home. She is a really good girl at school and tries ever so hard with her work (tricky as she is dyslexic) and I think she is just worn out at the end of the day. She needs to come home, change out of uniform, have a snack and then just flop on the sofa for quite a while before she calms down. I think just be veru nurturing and calm with your DS, ots of huigs, a snack handy, and whizz home so he can chill out. It's probably nothing to do with the time you were late, it's just that he's desparate to get home asap. (I am much the same myself; if the DCs dawdle at the childminders i feel myself getting tearful, after a day at work I JUST WANT TO BE AT HOME!!!!)

He has had to compose himself pretty much art school all day , and the minute mum appears on the scene, they know they can let go and get all emotional....only natural. He is clearly rather anxious about the separation stuff at the moment, but he will grow out of it. Just give him lots of cuddles and reassure him, that you will always be there at the end of the school day and if your a bit late, tell him not to worry.I have two grown up children and a 9 yr old and i find boys dont like to discuss feelings too much, not like girls. However, he cant dictate totally what you do and your behaviour, and if you need to chat to other parents, then he must be told firmly and kindly that mummy would like to chat for a moment . If he kicks up a massive Stink then try not to give in, and after leaving simply tell him that his behaviour was unacceptable. Good luck.!!

He is obviously very used to being with you all the time. So taking him to play with other kids is good . He will no doubt toughen up to these sensitivities he is experiencing at the moment. His teacher has seen a lot of children and done child psychology at training college, and if she says he is very emotional then he probably is, more so than the other children, but everyone is different and she knows that. I am sure here remark is purely an observation and not a criticism.

Hi.I agree with Tracybath and other posters. Your ds has been away from you all day and to him it probably feels like a long time. Dc at this age are coping with new things all the time and can become overwhelmed.Plus, he has had to keep his emotions in check all day-you are security-he can "let go" with you.
Perhaps for now, accept that your ds needs to go straight home after school and try and talk before he comes out.
He does sound anxious and emotional,(not a criticism), and I dont think his meltdowns are attention-seeking. He is ranting and shouting cos he needs his mum and hes had enough. Give him lots of reassurance when hes like this and keep repeating,"youre ok, Im here",etc.
This is probably just a phase, but no doubt your gut instinct will tell you if its something more.