Feeling guilty about my bad parenting...

[SageandOnion]

This is my first post and its a bit of a biggy, I'm afraid.
I thought I'd come on here and just say what I want to get off my chest.

I have a teenage daughter, coming up 18. Shes a good kid, sparky, independant, doing well at college etc etc. I had her when I was 22, I'm 40 now and always thought that although its young now, i wasn't at the time, as I was already married.

But, I have done some things, my behaviour, when she was growing up and I'm only just staring to come to terms with it and facing up to it.

I used to leave her on her own when she was about 12 in the house, while I went out with my mates ( I was single again at the time ). I would get v drunk and come home v late once a week. I would go to the gym after work about 4 times a week, for an hour and a half. Theres other stuff too, not any dreadful 'abuse' but I just have this feelig that I was such a selfish mom - like I was growing up, when she was growing up. I feel that I put her needs last and she had to see too much, too young.

I feel v guilty about it all. I can rationalise that she's a great young adult, we get on well, never really gought too badly during her teenage years, so therefore, I must have done an overall good job. I am v proud of her and who she is.

But, I'm ashamed of myself as people think I am such a good mom to her, as shes a good kid. I think I pretend, now that I'm much older, that I was some kind of expert mum, who got it right to have such a walk in the park with her. But, truth is, she's just an easy going kid.

I don;t know what I'm trying to say - I don;t want any kind of plattitudes about me being an OK mum, I'm not after reassurance. I guess I would like to hear from any other moms of older kids, who feel like they were bad parents way back when and how they have moved on.

Sorry to be all rambly and this is a crap way to say hello, but I'm all a bit jumbled about this and I think there is a whole heap of an issue inside me that I keep shutting down.

Thanks for reading if you;ve got this far

Okay. I have to say my first feeling is that you might be depressed. If you do feel as guilty as you sound then I would definitely suggest you try to get some counselling, and go to the GP as a first step as they can suggest someone reputable.
The past is the past, the end result is fine, and parental guilt goes with the territory.
I feel guilty on a weekly/monthly basis that I didn't withdraw my ds from school when he was 6 and maybe have sent him to the local prep that is also a choir school. However I don't dwell on this or beat myself up (and when I see how much the fees have increased in the last two years I don't feel at all guilty).
I am one of these people who is suspicious of those who never have problems, and never have regrets. But I am also basically an optimist, and know the past is done, and you have to decide to move on.
If you can't do this then get some help. Good luck!

Oh bless, good to get it off your chest. I think the truth is that it isn't possible to be as good a mums as we would like to be, so we all suffer this guilt, it' proof of how much we care. I think it's the bad mums who claim to have done everything rightiously and perfect.
I think you should show your daughter this, she will reassure you for sure, you need reminding of all the great things you did for her.

Here is what a bad mum I am;
My 3 year old was asking me to go to bed last night, I was glued to mumsnet, he fell asleep on the couch bless him and I had to wake him up later and take him up.
I felt very guilty, then this evening I fobbed him off with an hour and a half of 'in the night garden' DVDs
Even when he brings a book to me to read I sometimes don't feel like doing it when I should be happy that he wants to read.

Fucking awful I am
Let's all be depressed

Thanks for that.

I did think about telling her how I feel, but I worried that I would be off laoding on her and shes nearly 18, but still v young to deal with my feelings of guilt about things I did when she was younger.

I'm not depressed, but I definately shut off from my emotions and am v 'hard' when it comes to showing how I feel.

I have been having some CBT about food issues ( I have lost 2.5 stone and am now under 10 stone for the first time in years ! ) and this has made me look at why I over ate and all sorts of aspects of my life.

I struggle with seeing being vulnerable as being weak and a victim -in me and other people.

God, this is turining into a 'pity party' as the yanks would say !

I think its best to say the past is the past - but its just churned up a lot of stuff for me and I'm struggling to find that simplistic a rationale for it, as that.

Anyhoo, I've never admitted it to myself or anyone else, so this is a good start...

Ooo, I can't even think about little kids. I don't think I'd be fit these days, there was no internet web in the old days. Nor proper kids telly either - you';d get 20 mins at 10 in the morning to plonk them down and try to do anything you could in that time.

Can we have a 'I'm WAY more crap than you are' convo !!!!

Althought your not wanting to read, is really, not so v crap. You'll have to come up with a better one than that !! Like you feed him turkey twizzlers, or stuff as such...

My mum is great but I know she regrets smacking us and also a couple of times I remember when she got really cross and shouted at us and tipped my breakfast on my head or something similar - doesn't stop her being a lovely lovely mother and the best in the world for me.

Maybe you should talk to your daughter about this, she probably won't remember half of what you're worrying about and won't care about the other half.

I don't think you should talk to your daughter about it.

My mother and I are very close, with the result that when she's down or doubting herself (not about her parenting, but about other things, like her inability to stay in relationships) she turns to me for comfort. And I love her, and I want to do all I can, but it's hard to provide emotional comfort to your own parent. It's almost impossible to be blunt or harsh (as I would be on here if I thought it helpful) because it's your Mum and you're conditioned to want her approval. And it's really quite emotionally draining to watch your loved Mum be sad, too.

Certainly talking to someone is a good idea since you're dwelling, and it's clearly churning you up. But don't make it her job to reassure you.

I'm sure she loves you very much, OP.

Kids are resilient.If we are honest, all of us fall short in some way with family life. Having said that, I admire your decision to not just seek platitudes.

I would just say to your daughter
'Look I love you dearly and I feel very bad about these things I did when you were younger'.

She might honestly not have noticed them at all (I was often alone after school from 9 0r 10 because my parents were working and I certainly think a 12 year old is old enough to entertain themselves for an hour or two) but if she did, your apology will make her feel better.

Where was her father in all this?

SageandOnion - agree with moondog.
YOu ahve made me feel better as I always imagine everyone knows what they're doing and it's only me and dh making it up as we go along

Everyone makes mistakes bringing their children up, and it is sooo much easier to see them looking back.

Looking back, I would change lots of stuff with dsd, and I didn't beat her with a stick or anything, but when we had dd we didn't want her to feel she was losing her dad, so I would take baby dd and dsd would spend time with her dad. Looking back I know that she didn't feel she was losing her dad, she felt she was losing me!

But the most important thing is that you are aware and able to make a difference now. And children adore their parents, as long as she knows how much you love her, twill all be fine. And you sound like a lovely mum

Hi Sageandonion FWIW I don't think that ranks very highly amongst the list of most parents' confessions. My DS is still only 3 but there's time......

I wonder if by getting this 'off your chest' you feel a little better. Someone posted on here once about 'secrets' being like a white elephant in the room- the more you try not to look at it, the more you can't think of anything else. In other words, by burying these thoughts away they eat away at you but by posting /talking about them you their power over you lessens a little (hmmm I hope that makes sense, and I don't sound too crazy).

My Mum struggled with various things when I was growing up. Most of the time she was lovely, but when she lost her temper I got proper beatings and she sometimes used to drive to London looking for her wayward DP and leave me in bed alone in the house overnight and the next day.

Personally I would like my mum to acknowledge that she did some things which she regrets- I don't want to go into all the emotional details with her but just a brief apology would mean a lot. I have bought it up a few times but she dismisses it as in the past.

Each situation is different of course and only you can judge what is best for you and your daughter.

If you do decide to say anything I think maybe you should not be suprised if she says very little- however, this doesn't mean that she hasn't taken in what you have said just that its tricky ground. If this happens, I guess you could just tell her that its up for discussion if she wants it to be.....

You sound like a great mum.

It sounds as though your "issue" isn't so much what you did (leaving a responsible 12yo alone in the house for a few hours isn't a particularly bad idea IMO) as what your motivation was for doing it (i.e. that you were motivated by selfish reasons). In a sense that almost makes it harder for you -- you can't point at a bad outcome, accept the guilt that that was your fault, and beat yourself up over it or apologise, because you were lucky and your DD turned out just fine. So you don't get any "punishment" and hence no sense of closure.

If the CBT has really helped with your food issues I think that some further counselling might help you process all these new issues that are bubbling up to fill the gap. Could your existing therapist recommend someone, if it's outside his or her own area of expertise?

I agree that you shouldn't offload onto your daughter. In your position I might, at a warm and happy moment, make a comment about how much I enjoyed the time we spent together and I wish now I'd made more of it when she was younger, but if she doesn't appear to perceive any wrong done to her then turning a childhood she was perfectly happy with into a big issue isn't doing her any favours. But you do sound as though you need to work it through with someone.