is it really this hard or is it just me?

[zonedout]

bit of background;

have 2 wonderful ds's - ds1 is 4.2 and ds2 is 18 months. ds1 cried non stop for the first year of his life, then stopped crying and has been a very 'easy' little boy ever since, bar a 6month period just before he turned 3 when he became a total monster went through a difficult patch. ds2 was born 5 weeks early and slept a lot in the early months and was a comparitvely 'easy' baby for the first year (bar some awful health probs which meant lots of ambulances and hospital stays)

since roughly the beginning of the year i have found things harder and harder to the point now where some days i struggle to cope and can get horribly ratty and shouty with them i absolutely adore them to distraction and have until this point felt that being a sahm was the right thing for us as a family but i am beginning to seriously question myself as a capable mother i am tired, grouchy and irritable too much of the time at the moment (maybe a problem with me and nothing to do with the boys, i wonder?)

ds2 is still a terrible sleeper (his best ever night was waking twice, ds1 woke once that same night so my best night in 18months has had 3 wake ups. usually i am up upwards of 4 times) and i have a dh who works very long hours and travels a huge amount. ds2 is an absolutely dear little soul who i adore to distraction but goodness me is he trying. he climbs on anything and everything constantly, will not sit in a high chair to eat and has the most almighty tantrums regularly. ds1 is a normal sweet 4 year old, at times extremely demanding and often fairly boisterous but mostly very easy. yet still i am struggling to cope.

for example, i took ds1 to a swimming lesson today (he has had quite a fear so i have splashed out on some new individual lessons with the aim of helping him overcome his fear and hopefully start to enjoy the water and even learn to swim). getting lunch into the boys and out of the house was hard enough. then, having hauled 2 boys, several bags and a pushchair up several flights of stairs (only to be told no pushchairs allowed) and what with ds1 having a total meltdown by the side of the pool and refusing to go in, ds2 joining in the meltdown and trying to throw himself in the pool, all of the changing and unchanging, i am totally and utterly frazzled. a girl from ds1's pre-school had a lesson after him and her extremely beautiful mum was there at the side of the pool looking all calm and serene while i had sweat literally pouring off me, hair everywhere, trousers falling down and a face the colour of beetroot i could go on and on with similar examples of how hard i find things at times...

so go on, be honest. is it all me just making a bloody hash of things? or is it really this hard to have 2 small boys/children? i have become so not the mother i wanted to be and have started to think my boys would be far better of with a lot less of me

you are NOT making a hash of things. It IS this hard sometimes, it sounds like youve had a shit day. I have had periods with my two boys where I could have written parts of your post, esp. bits about not coping and them being better off without me and PARTICULARLY the bit about motherhood so totally not being how I imagined it!!
Please be less hard on yourself. Do simpler activities, avoid stressful situations ( I would definitely lose it if i tried to take my two swimming alone) where possible. This period will pass and it will get easier again. I really think it goes in waves of good and bad sometimes! Im in good at the moment, but honestly, a few months ago I could have written your message myself.
hoping ytou have a better day tomorrow

I agree with Geraldine, you are NOT making a hash of tihngs.

It is hard sometimes.

You know what I did? I picked my battles. If something was ereally hard to do, I would weigh up the importance of doing that thing, and if in th grand scheme of things it wasn't very important I would drop it.

DS hated swimming when little, and I hated it too, so I made the decision to not bother with them until he was older.

Maybe you should jusst ditcht the swimming lessons too for now? There is plnty of time for them in the future.

If youre DS2 won't sit in a high chair to eat, just let him sit on a chair at the table. Make your life as hassle free as possible by minimising events that could trigger meltdowns and tantrums (while still being in control, rather than giving in to the boys, iuswim)

You are absolutely not making a hash of things, and sounds like a totally normal mother of boys. I Have 3 boys, 3yrs, 2yrs and 1 yr. They can go from being fantastic to little horrors overnight. I feel guilty constantly for shouting all the time and letting them control me and not the other way around.
I think your major major issue is sleep loss, no matter how used to it you get, your body NEEDS to rest and your brain needs to forget the hassle of the day before and wake up a calm and collected mommy.

I always said before having children, I would be fine if i had my sleep.

How do you deal with night waking? and what are their needs when they do wake?

I got stuck in a rut where we let one of our boys in our bed regularly, and another period of time where i stayed in one of my sons room, and he needed me there to get to sleep.

Your swimming episode sounds awful and normal all at the same time. I hope you get a good night tonight.

Actually, I was about to post on the 'toddlers vs teenagers' post saying teenagers are worse. But now I remember the sheer brutal physical and emotional exhaustion of having two prescoolers. No unbroken sleep for 6 years, endless feelings of failure over their faddy eating, going without loo paper because the idea of getting them to the shops with me was worse...

You are perfecly normal and doing fine. Sadly I can't give you the magic formula for being Serene Mum but if I had my time again I would have sacrificed a few weeks of sanity to crack the sleep issue for once and for all.

Also consider half a day's childcare if you can afford it.

thank you for the support everyone [happy] ... i wonder if any of those calm, take it all in their stride, never raise their voices mummies would come on here to respond anyway i swear, all the other mothers i see seem to be breezing through it all.

geraldine thank you, it feels good to be in company hope your better patch continues and mine comes soon.

overmydead you speak much sense. ds2 has sat in a regular adult chair since january (fell off a couple of times but has been fine since!) but the trouble is he will only sir for a couple of mouthfuls and then is off wondering, climbing, pulling things off surfaces and generally being a complete monkey pants. it drives me to distraction. ds1 would happilly sit in a highchair for hours so this is all new to me and i just don't know how to handle it.

diddle i was desperate for a third. now i am just too far gone to even contemplate it any more, sadly. ds1 only wakes if he is ill or on the odd occasion he falls out of bed or is cold/thirsty etc. ds2 starts the night in his cot and then ends up in bed with me. i still breastfeed him (which has been a lifesaver through his ill health in so many ways) but i know in my heart that he won't start to sleep until he stops breastfeeding neither of us are quite ready to stop and besides i am just too tired to take drastic action!

{blush] please excuse the numerous typos and grammatical errors, i forgot to check my last post and can barely see through the tiredness. i really should be in bed...

thanks traumaqueen your post made me smile (especially the bit about the loo roll. 'tis true, the physical and emotional exhaustion i feel is quite overwhelming but i also feel so alone with those feelings. aaarrghh, from toddler to teenager... parenting is one long quest for serenity, it seems...

Sounds like you need some overnight help so you're not the one getting up. Or a couple of good lie ins. Then charge head long into drastic action. I really don't think it will improve until you tackle the sleep issue.
Totally understand your reluctance to stop breastfeeding, but i think might need to find a balance between the two.
Its so hard isn't it. One day it will all click into place

Definitely a lack of sleep and also you pre conceptions of how a mother should be?

First off, I would stop caring what you look like to other people? Sadly child care can be annoying frustrating and embarrassing at times.

Secondly I think you are beating yourself up for telling them off. I actually (blush) followed a supernanny type tip and every time they get too annoying start saying "birds tweeting in the tress etc" and visualising calm and happy situations. Funnily enough the kids do start joining in and thinking of other things to add to the list!

Thirdly if you know a situation is going to be stressful -don't do it! I know you have already paid for swimming lessons but I don't think any of you are benefitting from them. I'm sure if you waited for a year or two your child would be fine and I don;t think he's overcoming his fear at the moment. You could also try shopping online etc anything to make your life easier.

I agree with what the others have said about getting more sleep.

YOU are a person too and you are NEGLECTING yourself! (Sounds like you are also not getting the support you need). If there is any way you could splash out on a childminder and get a little more sleep I would definitely suggest you do it. It's ok to take care of yourself too.

Good luck xxxx and all the best

do you have a supportive friend / relative that would take at least one ds off your hands for a couple of hours? Then you could focus on one or the other. The other thing is once dh comes home or at a weekend, get him to take both ds out of the house and then you go to sleep for a few hours.

as to shopping, yep, even with one I remember the hassle! I had one memorable shopping trip where dd in trolley started screaming on going into shop - cue mum going "oh no, you just missed the elephant going past!" we spent the rest of the (quiet) shopping trip trying to spot the elephant. Mum then decided that home delivery was the easiest option!

But I agree. If water/swimming is such a problem, skip it till they're older or you can get help.

And it does get better, and you're not a bad mum.

also, you know those calm controlled supermums shoutwhen they get indoors, don't you? They just don't often shout at their kids in tescos like I did on monday! EVERYONE gets tired and peed off with thier kids, on quite a regular basis, because they are tiring and annoying quite a bit of the time! Those are the days I am thankful that mine cant tell the time yet, and they get put to bed at six thirty!

ah, more wise and wonderful words from you wonderful mn'ers. thank you.

mixedraceparents err, do you know me? you have hit many nails on many heads. in fact so much so that you have made me cry. in a good way. ish.

gallievans also good advice. dh has very recently started taking the boys on a saturday morning and it definitely makes a huge difference to my mood and patience levels. trouble is he travels a lot so isn't always here for that slot. for various reasons i don't have a huge amount of other support. thank you for being kind because i genuinely feel like a bit of a failure as a mum at the moment and i had wanted to be a mum for as long as i can remember

geraldine i am too scared to put mine to bed that early for fear of how early they might wake up...

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to say that I read your OP and you sound like a lovely caring mum

I only have one 16 month DD and I find her exhausting to the point that although I absolutely adore her I am seriously questioning whether I can face having another!

It IS hard! I remember someone once saying that anyone who said being a parent was easy is either - lying, fooling themselves or doing it wrong....

pushmepullyou thank you, your kindness is quite lovely and definitely helps my massive self doubt a little bit!

lal123 thank you to you too, i like that saying! but obviously some blardy good actors/lyers out there...

It really is this hard - for everyone I think. I have 3 (aged 5, 3 and 1). When DS was tiny I was having a terrible time - sinking into PND, not coping, shouting constantly at the girls then crying with guilt etc etc and yet none of my friends seemed to notice or be helpful. One morning I confided to a friend of mine what a bad time I was having and she was amazing, and also amazed - she said she had had no idea as I always seemed so calm and in control. I wasn't trying to pretend or cover up the way I was feeling it's just the way I am - and I was always so pleased to see friends that I seemed chirpy and happy when with them. She then burst into tears and said she wasn't coping with her two (new baby and toddler) either. It really opened my eyes to the way you can miss stuff and how people are really feeling. Some children (certainly mine!) seem to behave much better when out and about or around other adults than they do when at home (I think I behave better too!). Those perfect looking mothers might be having a shocking time and you just don't know it.

You sound like you are doing your best in a tough time. Try to make things easy on yourself, try to go over to friends houses as much as you can (the joy of being over with a friend for the children's tea and not having to clear it up!) and have people to you - the extra work is always outweighed by the company. Avoid stressful situations (there is no way I would take my lot swimming on my own - far too hard!). Good luck with it all.

Hang on in there. You're a good mum (honest) or you wouldn't be feeling like that.

As your ds1 is 4.5 what about a local nursery group for a morning a week or a local mum & toddler group? The ds would both get to mix and you'd get to have a coffee with other mums. Maybe there's a local mumsnet group locally and you could get together? I found the local play centre a godsend as well - it meant that dd and her friends could run wild in safety while I sat on the sidelines with a cup of coffee and the newspaper, safe in the knowlege that a) they couldn't get out and b)they were having fun and tiring themselves!