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Parenting

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Original poster

ds told me he wishes he was normal again- he's 4

23 replies

booyhoo · 19/04/2010 21:46

as he was snuggling down for bed after his story i reminded him to take his glasses off. he sighed and said "i wish i was normal again and didn't wear glasses."

i could have cried, he will probably always need glasses and i hate the thought that he will always think of himself as not 'normal' or different. i tried to tell him that glasses are very normal (i wear them, do my parents and sister and his other aunt and grandad) and how nobody is really normal because we are all different in our own special ways. he wouldn't accept this and insisted that he is not normal. i dont know where he has heard this or got this idea from.

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feedthegoat · 19/04/2010 21:55

Does he not have any friends who wear glasses? I think that really helped ds accept his. He is also 4.

We also took his bear along to build a bear to get its eyes 'tested'. The staff were fantastic and even had a little eye chart. Ds was chuffed that 'Eddie' was in his club.

Is there anything special to him you could get or make glasses for? I suppose this may only work if they are brand new though, so depends how long he has had them.

deepdarkwood · 19/04/2010 22:02

Ahhhh, poor little scrap

Now ds was the opposite - he was delighted when he got glasses, so he could be like his best mate

What glasses does he have? Ds has Star Wars ones, which have huge kudos in the playground I think...

I would just keep reinforcing the idea that glasses are normal - some people's eyes need a bit of extra help, some don't, simple as. I think the idea of no-one is normal is a tricky one for a 4 yo (or certainly would be for my 4yo) - I'd go with just pointing out variety (eg different hair colours/eye colours) - all are normal...

Original poster

booyhoo · 19/04/2010 22:05

that's a great idea, he has an ancient teddy (was mine from birth ) and ds2 has to go for an eye test soon so we could take teddy and get his eyes tested and get him some glasses too.

there is one little girl in his class at school that wears glasses but he doesn't mention her at all so i dont think she is a friend IYKWIM. he says he wasn't born with glasses on so he is not normal and i told him he wasn't born with clothes on either but he is 'normal' now even though he wears them. he giggled but still insisted that glasses made him different. i suspect someone has said something to him or within his earshot but he wont divulge.

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Original poster

booyhoo · 19/04/2010 22:07

deepdark he had batman glasses but no matter how often we got them adjusted they constantly fell off and he got frustrated, i think because it made an issue out of them.

i know that at his age being the same as everyone else is very important so i have tried to think of all the people we know that have glasses but only one is a child that he would relate to.

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deepdarkwood · 19/04/2010 22:14

IS he in a preschool setting? One of the kids in ds's class recently had to have an eyepatch. I happened to be in the class on the first day he wore it, & the teacher had him out at the front, explained it, and told the class how well he was doing and how strong his eye must be - basically totally hyped it up! The class all totally bought it - & were all cheering him at the end

COuld you have a word with preschool & see if they can do some sessions on inclusiveness/talking about difference? I'm sure there are some glasses-are-cool books...

Icanseethesea · 19/04/2010 22:14

Ds had hearing aids for a while and hated them as they made him look 'different' and he didn't want to be different. We talked a lot about how his friend wears glasses because his eyes need extra help, ds's ears needed extra help, some people need a walking frame/wheelchair etc.
I do feel for you and him. It's so difficult and children can be cruel.

cory · 19/04/2010 22:18

Sounds like you're doing everything you can to reassure him. Now please reassure yourself that just because he has this idea now it does not mean that it will be a longlasting problem.

Dd was about the same age when she told me she wished she wasn't brown, but was white like me. (She is not actually coloured btw, more Mediterranean in looks, with olive skin). I was quite shocked and worried about where she might have been picking up what sounded to me like racist ideas. But whatever it was, it seems to have been a very passing thought, she forgot about it quickly and has never shown any particular concerns about her looks since.

deepdarkwood · 19/04/2010 22:19

A few books on glasses:
www.amazon.co.uk/Winnie-Flies-Again-Witch/dp/0192726463/ref=pd_cp_b_0
www.amazon.co.uk/Bumposaurus-Penny-McKinlay/dp/1845075161/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271711856& sr=1-1
www.amazon.co.uk/Really-Absolutely-Must-Glasses-Charlie/dp/0448452383/ref=pd_cp_b_2

Original poster

booyhoo · 19/04/2010 22:20

yes he is is at preschool. i had thought of doing that in september (he got them during the summer) but i didn't want to make it an issue, he can sometimes get quite uncomfortable when we draw someone's attention to things like him doing a nice picture or helping me with something. so i didn't do it. tbh i still dont know if it would be the best way to help him with this. i would hate for him to be embarrassed in front of his friends and become even more aware of the glasses.

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deepdarkwood · 19/04/2010 22:22

Humm, maybe it would be a case of getting the preschool to talk about differences generally - rather than pinpointing glasses? But just allowing them all to celebrate things that make them special & different

Original poster

booyhoo · 19/04/2010 22:24

thank you for those links, i think tackling this in private will be better for him to deal with. he loves books so i will try and get him a few of those stories to read.

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deepdarkwood · 20/04/2010 11:14

Sounds like that would suit your son better
Incidentally, me and ds had a conversation about differences this morning - he was having loads of fun spotting ways in which he, me and dd were different to other people walking into school - was a really nice, postive way to notice that everyone was different. I didn't make any 'points' we just played. And his first one was that he was the only person with glasses

Good luck!

pippop1 · 20/04/2010 16:13

I don't know at what age contact lenses are allowed (or if they are suitable for your child) but you could ask the optician next time you see him/her. I had contact lenses from the age of 13 (I'm 48 now)after a lot of nagging.

I was very determined to get on with them and have never, yes never, had an eye infection with them as I am very careful. I've lost lots of lenses though....but now there are daily disposeables it doesn't matter so much. Yes, they are not cheap but the boost in self esteem was marvellous for a teenager.

Anyway, if contact lenses are a possibility at a certain age this will give him something to look forward to.

madwomanintheattic · 20/04/2010 16:22

dd2 has worn glasses since she was 2, so they are pretty much a part of her now. nursery classes are obviously quite small - it's much more common to see other children wearing glasses once ft school starts. there are quite a lot at my dcs school - by this time he won't even be thinking about it.

i had dd2 crying for an hour and a half on sunday because she doesn't want to be disabled lol. she even asked me if it was my fault because i gave birth to her like it. it's heart-rending at the time, but they bounce back reasonably quickly and it isn't something that occupies a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. mostly they are just getting on with life - just occasionally it occurs to them that a/b or c might deserve a mention.

Original poster

booyhoo · 20/04/2010 19:01

thanks pippop1 and madwoman, i think lenses would make an even bigger issue of it tbh as he doesn't like anything towards his eyes.
i am hoping that there will be a few others at primary school with glasses to let him see it aint that strange. he hasn't mentioned it today, except when some really insensitive man at the supermarket pointed and said, "hey it's the milky bar kid!". ds just looked at me and his eyes filled up. he knows that they draw attention to him and thats what he hates i think.

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madwomanintheattic · 20/04/2010 21:18

lol, dd2 got a 'milky bar kid' comment in thomas cook of all places, at about 4. she was faintly bemused - i didn't bother pointing out that the milky bar kid was, in fact, a boy, but i think the fact she was wearing a bandana (she drools as well as wears glasses lol) was more than than the commenter could cope with tbh.

he will get used to it, honestly. numpties in supermarkets notwithstanding...

PixieOnaLeaf · 20/04/2010 21:24

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BCBG · 20/04/2010 21:30

Tell him Harry Potter wears glasses - helped both mine accept it!

Original poster

booyhoo · 20/04/2010 21:38

yep, we've done the harry potter and glasses = wizard. his hero at the minute is ben10 so he is referencing to the fact that ben10 doesn't wear them. i drew a pair on ben10 but he was not impressed!!

i know it will pass and he is just focusing on this one thing for a short while but it hurts to know he feels self-conscious about it. i was bullied at school and it is my worst fear for him, i know bullies go for weaknesses and i dont want this to be one for him. i am really aware of how PFB i am being but i just want to roll out the cotton wool and wrap him up and put him in my pocket to protect.

all your replies have really helped, me more than him but him aswell because it has helped me deal with him in a less anxious way (which i know is the worst thing i could do, but cant help it sometimes) so thank you all, really.

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feedthegoat · 20/04/2010 21:41

Hopefully when he starts full time school there will be a few more with glasses as I think this has helped my ds more than anything. Ds was excited about 'joining the club'.

Strangely though, his egg allergy bothers him alot lately and he has made comments about wishing he didn't have it and was like everyone else. He has only really become aware of this at pre school as at times it has had to be brought up.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that most children are going to worry about something or other at some point. I'm sure your reassurance and his eventual realisation that he is not alone will help.

PixieOnaLeaf · 20/04/2010 21:49

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cory · 20/04/2010 21:59

Not everybody who feels self-conscious about something gets bullied. Ds is very self-conscious and unhappy about his disability, but has never actually been bullied: other children are nice to him because they like him. (And, no doubt, because most of them are nice kids.) His feelings about himself don't seem to draw any negative responses from others iyswim.

I too was bullied, so I know how hard it is not to project, but I can't help noticing that my own dcs have had far more things to be bullied about that I ever did (including really embarrassing things like incontinence); yet it's never happened to them. I don't know why it happened to me- whether because I was different or because the little sods I was at school with were different or maybe because schools were different in those days and bullying wasn't tackled. Could be any of those. But they are not me.

Original poster

booyhoo · 20/04/2010 22:17

oh cory, i know that, i do, i'm just concerned that if he sees it as an issue then others might notice he has a thing about it, of course this is me imagining worst case scenario and i know it is unlikely but i do want him to feel good about himself regardless of whether it's because of a bullying risk or not.

you are so right, schools are very different to when i was at them. i had glasses, was the only catholic in a presbyterian school, was a tomboy so rubbed the girls up the wrong way and was still to girly for the boys, and also couldn't hold my tongue when i thought i was being wronged so i doubt i helped my cause much. i just remeber feeling so lonely and would give anything to know that he never had to feel like that.

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