What to do about verbal lashing out

[IngridFletcher]

My DS1 who has started being really nasty as soon as things don't go his way. It can be when he is told off or told to stop doing something or even when I can't get the Wii to work properly. It is along the lines of 'I hate you' 'You are a stupid idiot'. We do not say those sort of things to him.

So how do we handle it? When he says he hates me I tend to say 'well I love you' but I really don't want to ignore him calling us idiots in case he starts calling people names outside the home!

Any ideas?

how old is he? (i have a hunch but want you to say)

aggh no I left that bit out.

He is 7.

I have an elderly aunt who used to say to her children 'well that's OK that you hate me as I love you enough for you to hate me'

Or something like that

ACtually my post isn't very helpful but I've taken the trouble to type it now so better press post.

GFatemybaby - it is helpful! I think that would make him stop and think. I am happy to say that about the hating me bit. I am puzzled about what to do about being called a stupid idiot and today's special insult - a midget.

'I hate you' or 'You're an idiot'

would get the response 'you won't want my help then' and I'd walk away from the wii / pc / whatever they wanted help with

or ' you won't want to stay in this room with me then, time for a timeout' and off he goes to his room to calm down

when he's calm try having a chat about what's OK to say to people and what's not. It's pointless having the chat while he's cross as he won't listen

cross posts - just how tall are you Ingrid?

holidays are nearly over I'm sure they'll all be much nicer children next week! (mine most definately included)

I have tried the timeout thing. Sometimes he just refuses to go. Then I am a bit stuck. I could just carry him to his room (just!). He does calm down in there but he is getting a bit big for that!

I am 5ft 4 - I did point out it was neither accurate nor politically correct!

what bumpybecky said.

"I'm not going to talk to you while you are talking to me like that" walk away if necessary.

when calm, talk to him. You could try giving him some strategies/things to say that are nt directed at YOU to express when he is frustrated (after all, as adults we say 'oh fFS'!)

You could put yourself in time out, I've sat on the naughty step before when I was particularly shouty at them. I made sure I had a cup of tea, biscuits and a book first. I was 35 I think when I did it, at one minute per year age I was there a while

Point being, timeout is a break to calm down. If he won't go then you can

My nearly 12 year old goes to her room to calm down quite frequently. She's realised it stops her getting into more trouble! when she's got very angry and started with the insults things escalate quickly. She's finally worked out that leaving and going to calm down means less to apologise for! if she won't go then I leave. It takes two to have a verbal arguement.

Have you tried insulting him back? but nicely, so he calls you an idiot, you call him a sweetie pie / fluffy snugglepuss / honey pumpkin / pumpkin etc. You might joke him out of it

Brilliant Becky! love the jokey insulting - cos that gives them an easy way out. (notes ideas for several years time for my own teenagers. I do teach them but your own are v different, hey)

Thanks. I love the idea of time out for me. Also think the jokey insults would work. I will that a go tomorrow. In with the hate and out with the love - and all that jazz!

Ingrid, sorry didnt post back yesterday...I KNEW you woudl say 7. my ds3 is about to turn 7 and throws verbal insults out all over the place. he falls over 'STUPID STUPID PAVEMENT!!!WHO PUT THAT STUPID STINKY PAVEMANT THERE??!!' or we are at the receiving end if things dont go his way.

I was sending him up to his room everytime he did it , very calmly, just to give him some thinking and calming down time.

Now I say things like 'Would you talk to Grandma like that? No? Then do not talk to ME in that rude way'

I'm also trying to teach him that not every incident is someones FAULT.

cyb- ummm invoking granny is a cunning ploy. She is really scary!

I am very glad someone else is experiencing the same because I was beginning to think I was raising a monster as when I have his pals to play they are always so polite.

Thanks.

actually our grandma is the sweetest most patient lovely thing and the kids would HATE to think they were being rude to her

Thats a priviledge they save for their parents!