please can you help a new mum

[tinks27]

i am new here and find other posts really helpful, so really wanted to get some help and advice.

i love my dd so much , but have found it really hard since having her, she is four months now. i found the only way i didn't get teary or feel like i couldn't cope was to start a routine at about 7 weeks which really helped me understand her and also feel more in control.

but i find it a real struggle as i get so worked up, if sleeps aren't long enough ( she craves them it now me enforcing), the feed doesn't get finished etc. she is not a cryer and thinks that is because i anticipate her needs and give her lots of love and play with her loads.i am lucky she sleeps right through, but does wake up early, which again i struggle with ( and should just be grateful) cause i don't know where i am then in the day.

how do i learn to relax? i so envy those mums who can just go with the flow, but i get so worked up and tense and then get upset. am upset this morning because morning sleeps gone tits up and now she won't eat and she will only settle in her cot ( can't send herself to sleep anywhere else, i.e just drift off if she is tired) trying to get her to sleep now.

i find my whole day is spent trying to get her to have her day sleeps and now have cracked the sleeps in the cot ( before i had to rock her!) she now can't sleep anywhere else and so can't face going out and having over tired baby.

i know i need to chill out but can't seem to. didn't think i was going to be like this. please can you give me any advice as find some days really hard and don't want to miss this special time with my little one

you know that I'm going to tell you to chill, don't you...

it sounds like you're doing a great job, I'd have given my eye teeth to have my baby go to sleep in his cot at 16 weeks! Please try to relax about the routines as they seem to just be making you unhappy.

Do you have any support? Friends with babies etc?

Hello Tinks. I can't help you with the routine bit as I've been far less rigid with mine. I thought I'd answer to get this into the active convos as there is bound to be someone who can help.

Lack of sleep can be incredibly frustrating especially when you still have raging hormones in your system - which you will have. It sounds like you need the routine for your sake rather than hers. The trouble is that they change so much, so quickly. So what suited her last week, may not suit her the next.

It would be very easy to say that you need to relax - not that easy to do so if you are not that way inclined and are very much a routine person (even before babies). But it does seem that the routine you are following is tying you to the house and may be too restricting for you both.
She will only learn to sleep somewhere else, if she is allowed to. I suppose it's just a case of establishing this as another 'normal' part of her routine. The more you get out and about, the easier she'll find it to sleep in her pram and with a wealth of other sounds around her. Stick her in the pram, grab a book, head to the park.

I hope you get some good advice.

It is a realy difficult time and I can remember being exactly like you, on edge the whole time and hardly able to have a propper conversation with any one.
It does get easier some what and I found that by age one my DS was more predictable with sleep etc etc.
If you are in a routine then is there an hour or two between naps when you could get out and meet with other mums etc. I realy found this contact with other people who were going through the same problems invaluable and it kept me nearly sane through out this period.

One thing that helped to keep me sane with DC1 was meeting up regularly with friends in a similar situation. If you don't have anyone, you could contact the NCT - they have frequent coffee morning and meet-ups. Have a look on here, there may even be a group of MNetters that meet near you.
If you don't feel comfortable heading for a cafe or for lunch if you are worried about DD crying, you could always grab a take-out and head for the local park. Freash air good for both of you! With the weather warming up, you'll feel more like getting out and about. If you could aim for a walk a day, your DD would soon recognise that this is what you do.

thanks ladies for the quick replies.you are so lovely and got quite teary reading them.

i live a long way from home and think that is half the problem. miss my girls from home, who all have babies ( but slightly older) and are on the other end of the phone but not the same really is it. and the mums out here with babies same age just seem to be able to go with the flo alot more or slot nicely into a everyday predictable thing. plus super hot here so outside limited.

its just such a shock that i am like this. really didn't read anything pre birth as thought you went with it and slowly you find a rythym. but found that difficult! somedays think i am finding my feet and other days it all come crashing down - in my head anyway.

she is not a difficult baby ( god help me if she was i suppose!).and really smiley and sweet natured.

you are right about getting out. need to buy a proper pram, as only have car seat with wheels and now she likes to lie down to sleep finds it difficult to nod off not in favoured position - do you think this will help with getting out and her not missing sleep? think this may make me and her a little bit more flexible! she must take after her mother.

am not eating right either as stressed, so sure that doesn't help

I was like you when I had my DS. He got to 5 months and I was almost tearing my hair out. He was a good sleeper at night but in the day he would only sleep for exactly half an hour at a time, 3 times a day and I would have difficulty getting him down in the first place. As I have M.E. I found this very very draining. Especially when people were saying "at least he sleeps at night", not that helpful tbh. And he has always been an earlier riser so I sympathise with you.

It does get better, I promise. I found routines the best way to go and luckily my DS fell into his own routine. I also went on anti depressants as I was diagnosed with PND then too. The ADs (fluoxetine) were fantastic. I was on them for 9 months, then came off and I have been much better since. A few of my friends have also been on them and said how great they were.

Also at this time I started going to toddler groups as I was going mad at home. Made some fantastic friends (that I was badly in need of). It really saved my sanity!

daily walks definitely help, some days in the early months it was all we 'achieved' in a day!!! helps to get out the house, the fresh air is good for you both -make it a brisk one and you'll prob really notice the benefit of the exercise too on your mood, sleep etc. it's a part of our day ds has always really enjoyed. he used to sleep on walks, then carry on in his pram while i got some housework done/had a cuppa and a read or whatever. now he's bigger we take in the playground on the way home.
and eat right -plenty and as healthy as poss (though I became a chocoholic when i was bfing, so can't talk!) to keep your energy levels up.
it does get easier, sounds like you've got a lovely little girl x

Yes, definitely get a proper plam and build a daily outing into your routine. She will get used to a change in routine after a day or two, and so will you.

There is a good chance that she will get used to sleeping when you are out and about if she is lying down nice and comfortable in a pram rather than scrunched up in a car seat.

Are you living abroad? You mentioned it being very hot? Is there somewhere you can go to have a wander without melting from the heat? A large shopping centre or similar?

I do think that you should think about trying to relax your routine a little bit if you can. It has done the job, she is sleeping well at night and is a happy wee soul. Now you need to make sure that you are more relaxed and happy so that you can both enjoy your time together.

pram, not plam obviously.

One thing to bear in mind is that babies routines change all the time. What works beautifully one week may go completely out the window the next week. That's just normal.

I always liked a bit of routine to my day (still do now DS is 2.5) but I think it's easier to follow their lead and adapt as necessary.

I personally found life with a baby very hard and quite isolating. Getting out of the house everyday, even if it's just for a stroll around, definitely helps.

I just wanted to say, I could have written this post, I really sympathise with the OP as I feel exactly the same (DS is nearly 6mo)

I understand the anxiety you feel - I really fear what will happen sometimes, and get all worked up about sleep.

All I will say is that what I imagine is alway far worse than what actually happens (ie, I worry if he does short naps he'll scream and not go to bed as he's overtired etc. In practice he's always fine, and on the odd occasion he's grumpy, it's not that bad)

Mind you, I never take my own advice! I just wanted to say you're not alone

i can hear myself in your post. When each of my 3 children got to 4 months old I had a mini meltdown where i felt very low, after lack of sleep etc It takes its toll. Once my boys got to a certain age I started routines, perhaps around 6 months. Until then they got into their own routine. But now they are 3,2 and 1 and i find what makes me most wound up is when i have an expectation of how i want the day to go, and it doesn't particularly relating to sleep. Despte the fact that they all sleep 12 hours a night and have since they were no older than 10 weeks, if they wake before 7 and want me, i get really ratty. So of course there is a solution to that, earlier night for me and to relax and be thankful of the fact that they're sleeping so well.
They all had a nap at 1pm up until a few months ago and if they woke early or didn't nap i was sooooo moody and snappy.
Now only the 1 yr old sleeps in the day and i have relaxed my expectations.
I used to go to the shops at morning naptime some days, and stop at a bench and rock my son in the pushchair to get him to sleep, so he realised he could still sleep there too.
You need to take yor little one out, and just allow yourself to slaken your routine a little thats all. I say this to myself regularly, and it is so much easier to say, but the times i manage to act on it, we have a much happier day
x

I felt like this too - and just wanted to say that I think you are doing a great job.
I think that people often can seem like they are going with the flow and coping, but actually deep down they are not. I know people who I was in awe of at the start who I then got to know better and it turned out they were putting on a bit of a front.
So it turned out we had all been feeling the same but they had been better at hiding it than me.
Agree with daily walks too and finding a group somehow - NCT worked for me too in the end.

the support is so much appreciated.

i live abroad and so, whilst i know some ladies with babies, not the network one would have at home.but i did have friend over yesterday and it was nice and more normal. and the sleep didn't happen later, but do you know what, it was all ok!

she is not eating well at the moment ( teething i think) and today am just not going to get stressed about it. if she doesn't want it then am sure she will take enough to be ok.

its wonderful being a mummy, but its so different and you really lose your confidence and grip.

her smile really just melts my heart and really keen to ENJOY her and not be so uptight!

will keep working on it
x