Just had a really bizarre conversation with my DS....

[Cobweb95]

I was just chatting with my DS(6). He was yacking about all sorts of things then he said one of his friends has a grown-up cousin who had lots of operations to make him into a woman. I said "Oh...?" He said "He didn't want to be a man anymore" then pulled a faintly disgusted face, presumably at the thought of lots of operations.

I didn't really know what to say so I muttered something about how it's good if you can be happy with the way you are blah blah blah. DS then said "I wouldn't do what that man did." So I thought, let's leave it there then. But then he said "I might change my face though. I don't like my face."

He's said something similar quite a few times over the last year or so. My instinctive reaction is to tell him how handsome and amazing he is, but I've also asked him what he doesn't like about his face. Today he said he doesn't like the shape of his head and the lines at the corner of his eyes(?) Obviously I think he's extremely handsome but even looking objectively (if that's possible with your own child) I think he has a conventionally attractive face, not that any of that matters anyway, but you see what I mean....

Once when I was cross with him about something he told me "You don't like me because I'm ugly." I can't totally rule out him pushing the guilt buttons on purpose, but still not nice to hear.

What do you think? This isn't normal is it?

Don't worry. I think children do this to push our buttons and pick up so much through the media about what's OK/ not OK that this filters into what they select.

DS1, aged nearly 9, is skinny as a rake and 'teases' me constantly by saying. "Am I fat Mummy? Oh, I'm too fat Mummy!" He absolutely knows he's skinny. He also knows that we shouldn't and don't judge others on their size or shape. His twin and I are slightly plump anyway.

I'm sure he doesn't have the start of an eating disorder and he also says other 'provocative things' to wind me up. His current one is, "If you don't....then I'm going to kill myself". If I freaked out, he'd just do this more.

the point is that he KNOWS it's a wind up. We HAVE had several serious conversations about how I love him and his twin exactly how they are and also how I don't like him even to joke about killing himself as in reality, this is a terrible thing. However, I think the main thing now is to play it all down.

Why don't you 'joke' with DS next time he says he's ugly? Could you say something like, "You don't like ME because....I'm wearing my unfashionable coat?/ didn't give you beans on toast for breakfast?/ haven't yet bought you a Ferrari/ burp when I drink lemonade??" - You know, funny kids stuff that might get you both laughing.

Then he might change tack and begin to joke himself and alternate his "because I'm ugly" with other things like "because my feet smell" etc etc.

that way, you've broken the pattern about being ugly and then you can see if it persists over time, even if you give no reaction or joke around with him.

You know him best and if you really think he has a problem, then you might want to seek help. But I do think children wind us up hugely and if you have a slightly joky, matter-of-fact reaction, at this age, then it's likely to die down.

It may of course be different by the time he's 14/ 15 if he still comes out with this.

I agree with what Solo2 says. I have recently come to the conclusion my DS1 (now 9), says "emotional" things in order to get my attention. I have encouraged him to be emotionally expressive (because I wasn't encouraged), and I listen to his concerns, but I think it has come back to bite me on the bum a bit !