Please help me

[FabIsGettingThere]

I know you must all be so fed up with me, and I am sorry for being useless, but I find it all so hard.

DS1 is my heart. I love him so much, so so precious to me. I could not be without him but he so pushes my buttons. He is 9. He has always played me up but never would his dad. Now he does both of us and I have felt like giving up for ages, dh now feels the same .

I really couldn't cope with going to groups but I need someone to show me how to manage the home and give my children the time they need.

I have several books bought on recommendation of mumsnetters but where is the time to read them? Even if I read them I am too exhausted and useless to be able to retain the information and be able to recall it when I need it.

Today we were going to go to the beach, only dd knew this. Now it looks like dh is taking dd swimming and out for lunch and the boys will have to come with me to see the GP and then to do the food shopping. All because ds1 lied about something so small and then kicked off arguing, back chatting and being completely rude.

I need to find a happy medium between trying to ignore all bad behaviour and having zero tolerance. The kids shout and scream at each other and physically hurt each other. It is the physical stuff is what I find hard to ignore.

How can we be proper parents when both dh and I have got nowhere and can't be consistent and are so exhausted all the time we can barely think straight.

There are times when I think they would be better off with people who do know what they are doing but the thought just breaks my heart.

I am not fed up with you fab, as I haven't read any of your posts before. Have you spoken to DS's school?

sorry fab i dont have much advise for you as i am at my wits end with my 11yr old ds this week , winds me up daily & hell breaks lose if he does not get his own way , he back chats , gets rude to me , but wouldn't dare talk to DH this way
just wanted you to know you are not on your own x

No advice as I've only got one 16 month old and have all this to look forward to - but wanted to say I am not fed up with you Fab, and you are not useless, and it IS hard. I find it hard sometimes with just my one toddler. You've got way more to deal with and yours are at much more difficult ages. I wish I could help you.

Thank you.

DH has taken DD and DS1 swimming.

DS2 came with me to do the food shop.

Dh and the older 2 are still out, he is getting them lunch out too and I know that is to get away from me.

DS1 and DD are brilliant at school, DS2 is not. He is 4 and has been in a lot of trouble. He is much naughtier and defiant than ds1 was at this age as he has his older brother to copy.

DS2 keeps changing his mind so I am still none the wiser what the truth is.

I will have to let it go.

oh fab you dont sound good! has there been any family disturbance that couldve stayed with your ds? the school you and your dh need to work together at all times. have you asked your ds when he is calm what the problem is? do you get much 'happy' 1 to 1 time with him? maybe he craves that, more than the other 2. do the school have any concerns about his development?

Fab, I'm not sure I understand. DS1 has been naughty, so you are not taking the kids to the beach. Instead DS1 and DD are going swimming with DH, and then for lunch, while DS2 stays with you.
Is that right?

dh took dd and ds1 because ds2 lied to get ds1 into trouble.

none of the kids get proper one to one time but i am going to address that.

ds2 is a real mummy's boy, very affectionate, misses me and wants to stay at home with me as well as thinking he is the same as his 9 year old brother.

Ah I see.

How much helping out do they all do around the house? Anyone over 8 can be roped in and given a few chores, with some sort of reward every week for good performance. Around that age they like to feel they're part of a team, and the 'family team' idea can be pushed and encouraged. They also like to feel competent at tasks they can accomplish under your direction (girls this age love doing a little baking, boys can also learn this skill -- everyone can help with simple dinner preparation tasks like setting the table or stirring a pot or tossing a salad) and you can 'catch them being good' when they're doing something well and give a compliment.

The feeling of having a little responsibility, carrying it out, and getting the reward of a compliment at the time or a token at a certain interval goes a long way towards boosting self-esteem. When they look to you for compliments, and appreciate your good opinion of them, you are on the way to getting them to take notice of your constructive criticism too.

Or have you tried something corny like family board games once a week or so, where everyone is involved in the same activity, parents included, with ground rules that nobody can realistically argue with? (Well they can argue but you can refer them to the rule printed there in black and white.) The nice thing about board games that you play together as a sort of family ritual is that everyone has a little fun together, and everyone might even start valuing family time and seeing it in a positive light.

A parent can help a younger child to play if they would have a hard time following along by themselves. Everyone could take it in turn to choose a game so everyone's interest and level of skill is covered, and you can assign handicaps when the youngest child picks a simple game if that might be needed to make things fair. And the older child(ren) can be praised for being patient with the youngest/letting them win/etc. There are opportunities galore for catching them being good there too.

Don't give up Fab, your children love you to bits and you throw your heart into this more than so many people I know anywhere. Your DCs know this too (deep down underneath it all).

It's never easy being a parent fab, they send us home with a little bundle and expect parents to know what to do with it, in all honesty most of us don't have a clue and are making it up as it goes along.

It sounds to me as if there's a few behaviours that are driving you up the wall. What's the worst one? The one that annoys you more then any other? This is the best one to tackle first.

Don't ignore the physical violence, do they have a pet? Something they need to care about and look after? They do often encourage them to look after each other. Have you tried family time? Where you all sit around the table and say something nice about each other/talk about any problems??

They do very little around the house. DS1 has been known to hoover and ds2 to empty the drier but if we ask them to sweep the kitchen floor when they have made a mess after a meal they act as if I asked them to do a massive job. DS1 hassles me to let him iron but won't put his clothes away.

They are so competitive for everything, whose got the biggest pudding, sat nearest to mummy, given the cat the most treats. Normal I guess but wearing.

When they do play nicely together or are kind, etc I praise them and then 2 seconds later they are fighting .

Keep it going fab. Start off with a game like musical statues, it doesn't matter if one of them needs time out for being silly then.
Do give them jobs to do though, make a rota. It helps as they feel more mature and helpful, it will also give you a rest. If they are competitive then use this, who's the first to collect their laundry and put it by the washing machine for example. Have you tried having a 'nice morning', where everyone has to be nice to each other AKA no fighting? Turn it into a contest. There's certain things they need to take turns in, like sitting next to mummy, little one goes first, it'll teach them patience (hopefully).

Supernanny's reward jar is a good idea, they can see how well they are doing so there's a light at the end of the tunnel for their hard work, 1 jar for each child, 1 pebble for a job well done/a kind word, a reward when the jar's full.