`Mummy I hate you' - ideas for taming a 4 yr old?

[ZigaZig]

I have 2 sons - 6 and 4. To say that they are being trying at the moment is an understatement. The problem is that they don't listen and are trying to push the boundaries. They are also highly competitive and argumentative, with DS1 trying to assert himself over little brother who is fast catching up on him.

My patience is wearing thin and after requesting 3 times calmly that they undertake x,y,z, I tend to shout. At which point thay shout back (..go figure!)I am also being subjected to the `I hate you Mummy/ I want to kill you Mummy' treatment a little too often...Sorry - incoherent post but if anyone else has faced this type of behaviour, your advice on tactics would be appreciated. Feeling like I'm just not getting the ol'parenting thing right at the moment

I'm not quite at that stage yet, although I do have a very mouthy 4yo.

I really liked 'How to talk so children will listen' once I got over the preachiness...I really need to revisit it, but I felt like I had a few options apart from shouting all the time.

Firstly- sympathies, it is very hard and I imagine by the time I post this many others will have been on to say as much.

I think you probably need a sanction once you have got to the third time, to give you somewhere to go without shouting and ending up stressed and miserable. Really needs to be something you have thought through beforehand so you dont find yourself making threats you dont want to have to carry out (I remember sitting in hall with DD1 in full ballet kit and baby in sling in all weather gear saying 'if you dont get your shoes on now we are not going to ballet' and immediately thinking - what am I saying of course we are going to bloody ballet, I have paid for bloody ballet and going to bloody ballet is the only outing we have planned for today and without bloody ballet I WILL GO MAD. At this point I rang a friend, had a rant and made a sanctions plan).

Also you probably need a thought out reward system so you can try keeping things positive.

And you probably need to think through a sentence to get you through the 'I hate you mummy' moments along the lines of 'well that might be the case but you still need to put your shoes on..etc' so you arent rising to them and its will lose its power.

I had this said to me twice by my nearly 5 year old this week. I'm not sure they actually know what they are saying as within 5 minutes, he was back to his normal self.

I had simply told him no to something he was whining for, and then the first time I just ignored it ( the better response I think?). The second time I said loudly that I would not be spoken to like that. Both times, he was back to normal within 5 minutes, although I do wonder if I should have done time out or something and held out for an apology.

Am not sure there is a magic answer though. With two of them it must be more tricky. I have it to look forward to as have 2 boys too.

Hi was at the end of my thether too. But have found magic solution of the week .

My dd 4 and 7 have a marble jar. If they do anything good and i mean anything they get a marble of their choice from the bag (random acts of kindness, getting dressed/undressed without me yelling, going up to bed without a scence, sitting nicely to eat a meal, keeping belts on in the car etc. etc.).If they do anything wrong the lose a marble(bad manners, punching, hitting, biting, hate you, screaming etc. etc).

When they get to 10 marbles they get to do an art & craft activity, when they get to 20 they get to buy a small item from Claires accessoires. Obviously this is very personal to my family. Once they get the reward the jar is empitied and we start over.

They have gained and lost over the past week but both now have 24 marbles each. If they can make it to lunchtime tomorrow we are going shopping. My little one has struggled the most and lost 10marbles in one hour on saturday (mega meltdown) but immediately offered a way to regain them. IS working marvellously. Probably a novelty but much easier to carry out than the reward chart.

Sorry its so long but hope it helps.

Did have to limit random act of kindness to one unique act per day. Was getting 20kisses and told that they love me over and over again....the insincere darlings.

I don't take it personally and I don't punish it either. It's just a way of expressing anger from a little person who hasn't learnt to express themselves in a socially acceptable manner.

LOL at your kisses roses!

But the marble idea worked really well for a friend of mine too with her DS age 4. She had tried and failed with reward charts too.

DS1 says that to me regularly.

I know he is trying to press my buttons. I am determined he is not going to get the response that he is after. so I get " I hate you" "I hate this house" "I hate this family" type thing
my response is always - Ok - as long as you know that we love you very much.

I walk away and don't discuss anythign further.
I have no idea if this is the correct thing.
DH gets VERY very cross at this and goes down the whole - dont be ungrateful you have a lovely family etc.

WHatever DS1's mood he is always out of it as quickly as it has started and that doesn't seem to change with DH's approach or mine.

When we have quiet times after everything is over we have a conversation about how unkind it is to use that language and that it means that he won't get a star on his chart for that section of the day (we have a reward system in operation)

Thank you all for your pearls of wisdom! I do indeed impose santions, Cathpot,(BTW, your ballet scenario made me laugh---all too familiar situation!) after issuing a 1, 2, 3 warning but to be honest I am getting tired of sanctioning. I really want my children to simply do something when they are asked, not because of an imminent sanction. ...OK, so I'm asking too much, I know! You are right about keeping things positive, tho', so I need to reconsider a rewards system. Will certainly take a look at that book, too YouCantTeuchThis.

As for Mummy I'm going to kill you'<span class="line-through"> it usually illicits a response along the lines of Well if you do that then there won't be a Mummy to make you nice meals, tuck you into bed etc' not very original but about all my Mummy brain can think of!

My 9 year old can be a little sod and his 4 year old brother is starting to be the same. I got a I hate you today but I ignored it. I can't give you any advice as I am fucking up parenting myself. (not saying you are btw).

I think they definitely don't understand what they're saying. When they say they don't like someone, I rephrase for them: "You mean you don't like it when daddy does that", or "You're upset because I'm asking you to do this and you don't want to do it".

DD1 (4) got right up to DD2 (2) the other day and SCREAMED right into her face: "I hate you" and then corrected herself, and said: "Oh, I mean I really love you" in a really loving tone of voice and gave her a really affectionate cuddle. It was surreal.

Zigazag - just saw this message:

"I really want my children to simply do something when they are asked, not because of an imminent sanction. ...OK, so I'm asking too much" - no, you're not. That was EXACTLY the stage I got to, read "Unconditional Pareting" by Alfie Kohl, and never looked back - it's all in there. It transformed my relationship with my strong-willed 4 going-on-to-teenage-years DD1, who would just snarl at me whenever I asked her to do something and get a kick out of watching me losing it.