How to explain death to a toddler?

[Jemnot]

I haven't even spoken about this to my son yet. I got an automated email from a mother and baby website where it mentioned that children of his age (he turned 3 at Christmas) might have issues about dealing with the concept of death and I thought 'oh we haven't even discussed it yet! I don't think he knows what it is.

I don't know where to start! It's such a horrible thing to talk about. Where would I start? How would I approach it when he's never know anybody that died and how would I even explain such a thing at this point? I don't know where to start. We have never even talked about this thing.

We can't have pets at this point because his father was an illegal immigrant (please don't judge us, it's a long story but we're not secure enough to take on the responsibility) I've been with his father for 5 years but if the home office turn down our appeal then the 3 of us will be living in India. We can't get a pet till our situation is secure.

How can I start to explain the concept of death to our son? I don't know where to start. It's very scary.

Don't start until it comes up naturally - it will crop up soon enough when you talk about grandparents or other relaties or people on Tv or in books etc. I think it would be bizarre to sit a child down one day and out of the blue, unprompted bring this up for discussion. Don't know what this email was that you received but it sound quite odd - of course children of this age would struggle with this topic, it muct be a completely mind-blowing concept to grasp.

When he asks questions be prepared with answers. Be clear in your mind how you want to explain it especially re what happens after you die - this can lead you off into religion and you need to follow whatever course the child takes. I t hink what a child really needs is reassurance more than anything.

IMHO especially at an early stage all a lo really needs to know and take in is that (a) when people die they never come back and (b) don't worry because people don't normaly die until they are very very very old so you don't need to worry about mummy and daddy dying.

Then just sit back and wait for questions, which will come over time slowly slowly.

I've been explaining death to DD (4 years old) the last week or two, but only because someone we know died. She has understood it in limited terms - just that her friend's mummy isn't here anymore. I've found it quite a challenge and tbh it would be much easier if she were 5 or 6 years old. I too would say that you can wait until it comes up, for now. When it does come up, a clear and simple explanation is needed, and then a willingness to answer questions as they come up, in a similar manner.

I have told DD exactly the two things that MeltedFlump recommends: dead people don't come back (a conversation we had as we happened to be reading Snow White), and reassurance about mummy and daddy.

Perhaps go on a 'nature walk' round the streets??

We bumped in to a dead mouse on our walk this morning, so DD (3) was asking about it. We walked on and still she was asking questions so we went back to it and had a proper chat. I explained it has being opposite to alive - when we're alive, we're soft, talk, eat, move etc but when we're dead, we go still and don't walk, eat etc any more and that we don't need to. She asked why it was dead so then we got on to what cats eat and all that jazz, so that was an explanation for that mouse. We poked it with a stick and found it was all hard and the more we studied it, the more she got intrigued with the physical aspects of it. We also saw a dead worm and a live snail next to an empty snail shell and so the conversation continued. I was careful to talk about stillness rather than goryness. She seemed to be happy with that and accept it as something normal.

Perhaps go on a 'nature walk' round the streets??

We bumped in to a dead mouse on our walk this morning, so DD (3) was asking about it. We walked on and still she was asking questions so we went back to it and had a proper chat. I explained it has being opposite to alive - when we're alive, we're soft, talk, eat, move etc but when we're dead, we go still and don't walk, eat etc any more and that we don't need to. She asked why it was dead so then we got on to what cats eat and all that jazz, so that was an explanation for that mouse. We poked it with a stick and found it was all hard and the more we studied it, the more she got intrigued with the physical aspects of it. We also saw a dead worm and a live snail next to an empty snail shell and so the conversation continued. I was careful to talk about stillness rather than goryness. She seemed to be happy with that and accept it as something normal.

Thanks for the advice. It's given me some help.

It wasn't an odd an email Meltedflumps, honest!

It was from Babycentre, they send me an automated email each month talking about the stage my toddler is at and the skills he's likely to have mastered, questions he might be asking, games he might enjoy playing, that kind of thing. I registered there when he was a baby and these are generic articles that are matched to your own child's age that might be of interest. It just happened to mention that this was an age when he or she might start asking about death. Though I've gone back through the articles and can't seem to find where it said that so I might have clicked on another link in the article.

Anyway, the nature walk idea is interesting.

I'm hating that I have to talk to him about the D-word at all I love how happy he is when he's at the stage he is now, when he doesn't know anything about sadness and grief and the grown up stuff that us adults know about. Sadly, it can't be helped. He's going to have to know about it at some point.

I'm glad that I've found this place though and when the questions (about that and other things) arise then I'll be grateful to have somewhere like this that I can ask other mums for opinions and advice.

Well done for thinking ahead. I didn't and got very upset when DS asked me where my mummy was. I agree that I don't think I would bring it up until it comes up naturally as suggested above.

I think giving honest answers helps but I needed to practice the answer so I didn't start crying. A mn'er suggested this which was good.

Some good ideas here. I recently lost my dear old Dad - he died the day before DS1's third birthday. DS2 was 18mths old. So I have a little bit of experience I'd like to share as your post is on just this issue.

Firstly, both sons had seen lots of dead wild animals - some of them is very advanced stages of decay so they know that dead means not alive - and not ever coming back. I think it is a good thing that kids know the cycle of life in an age appropriate way. Talking about the seasons is a great wat of talking about the subject of death (and lifeof course!)

Secondly, their Grandpa was ill for some time before he died - he died in hospital but had been there for six weeks, and DS's often visited up to a couple of weeks before. (This is relevant,bear with me!)

When the time came, I just told them Grandpa had died. I said that his soul, (which i told him was the special part of a person with all the love and smiles and kisses and laughs etc) had gone to Heaven (again, relevant). Both DS accepted that and asked some obvious questions, like what is it like, how he got there, who else is there and why his body did not go and suchlike - all of which were easily answered in an age appropriate way. Some people in real life have flamed me for the Heaven thing,...but I have to say that every one of those people perpetuate the Santa Claus myth on the basis that it is a good thing for kids.

Anyway, both went to the funeral - which was a life saver for me and they were not disturbed by it - they knew what it was all about and were not disturbed or upset by it at the time or since.

Both sons freely and happily mention Grandpa - and it has been a good nine months since they saw him. When DS1 talks it is usually in context and he is very comfortable with it. He is happy that his Grandpas "soul" is in a nice place and he is relaxed about the fact that his body got buried.

I never felt it necessary to have a specific conversation about death with DS - even though it was obviously going to happen to his Grandpa. I think it is great advice to have had simple, non-emotional chats about death in everyday contexts about animals and plants equally. I know it made it much easier for me to explain when it first happened to someone whom my Ds 's loved.

I mention the hospital thing because like the other posters we explained that usually people are old or ill or both when then die. Last week DS1 was in casualty after a fall we were sitting right opposite an elderly couple waiting for Mrs X to be seen. Audible conversation thus:

Mammy, that lady is old.

yes son, she is older than you and me.

Mammy, is she poorly?

No son, she has just hurt her leg and the doctor will be coming to sort it out soon.

Mammy, shall i tell her not everyone who comes to hospital dies?

yes son, I think she would be pleased to hear that!

(DS to Mrs X) Hello, you will be alright and the doctor will fix you and you can go home , ok?

!!! Compassionate at three,..result!!

I would recommend Winston's wish who have excellent advice, reading lists and age appropriate guidance for parents/carers. They also run a helpline where they offer advice over the phone or by email. I would recommend emailing them for advice.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

Most children don't understand the permanence
of death until they are around 8. My ds is 4 and he is understanding that bodies stop working and dying means that we have to say goodbye and Mummy will be gone and his Daddy and extended family will look after him and his little sister. He does get sad and cry, so I really think he is grasping this pretty well.

However, before all this, we had no reason to think about any of this so only responded to Ds's questions. I'm not sure that for you there's any good reason to do any more.

wahwah there is such a wealth of sadness,love and wisdom in your post

Oh thank you, that is sweet. I just wanted the OP not to worry about her son, he will be fine I'm sure. As children need to understand, if their circumstances change, then my ( fortunately pretty rare ) experience has been that they adapt pretty quickly.

Thank you for all the great advice. I've also answered another post of yours in a different thread wahwah. I love that user name too, 'wahwah' is something we hear frequently in our house - normally preceded by 'it's bedtime sweetheart' or 'no more TopGear, mummy wants to watch Dr House (I never win, we always end up watching TopGear).

I found the email that I was sent and it wasn't from babycentre, it was actually from mumsnet:

"What he thinks: He may have imaginary fears, which can be really upsetting for you, as you can't immediately make them better. You'll be too wise of course to laugh at him and tell him he's a silly billy to think there's a monster behind his curtain that will run off with him. Being told to stop being silly isn't a psychologically approved way of dealing with anyone's fears. He will be able to talk about his fears and you can work out strategies, while not saying there is a monster, you can give him a torch to shine round the room and tell him to say out loud, "You are not a real monster, go away".

At some stage your child/ren will hear about dying and anxiously ask if this condition will apply to them one day? Death is a truly terrifying concept for kids and a "not for a very, very long time etc." can be helpful. Most of us can't cope with talking about death and so it's tricky to address the topic with a chirpy child.

He will understand time now, but only in terms of the past. He knows there's a night and day but cannot work out morning from afternoon. About two-thirds of three year olds can count from 2-5 and will decide correctly four out of six times which is the highest tower when comparing towers of three and 5 blocks. He will know how old he is and be able to count three objects correctly and repeat three numbers. This boy is clever.

He also knows what sex he is but not necessarily that he will always be a boy".

I work as a medical secretary and once overheard the consultant talking about how to explain death to a child with a life-limiting condition.

He said to the mother that small children can't grasp the concept of time as well as an adult can so that if the child asks 'am I going to die mummy' (damn, I've started crying again) then an answer of: 'not today' or 'not this week' or 'not this month/year' could be completely reassuring to them.

That's all I can remember but I thought I'd mention it in case it might be of any help to anyone.

Thank you again for so many intelligent, compassionate and thoughtful posts. I'm grateful.
x

My nephew has never known his grandad (my dad) but we always remind him that grandad frank is up in heaven. Recently, their rabbit died and my nephew knows that mr bob is in heaven with grandad frank and they are together.
I wouldn't try to explain it until necessary. My mum never sat down with me and explain what death was, why would she? The first I've ever known of death was various fish (we had a lot of fish, so a quite irrelevent pet).

"As other people have said, let the subject come up naturally or you could risk frightening or confusing your child. When he has questions, he'll ask, and the best way to respond is to give honest, simple answers and lots of reassurance that death among people who aren't old or very ill is rare.

You may find this article helpful – it's about a writer explaining death to her three-year-old son. It's got some good advice and links to useful guides and websites with pointers on explaining death to children:

www.passingboxes.com/the-open-box/talking-kids-about-death/ "