controlling MY behaviour, not my kids'!

[eisbaer]

Hi, looking for some tips here. I sometimes cannot keep my temper when my 3 year old is kicking off about something. I end up shouting back at him, sometimes even swearing. And I don't want to do this. I hate myself after it happens and hate the thought that he will be one of these kids at school who is desensitised(sp.?) to a raised voice because that's all he's had at home.
Here's the basic drill. He hits teatime and is RAGING about anything he can find to be annoyed about. I'll try my best, reason with him, ignore his shouting, do something else in another room, then he'll either lash out physically at his younger brother, at which I see red, or I'll just get this anger at how what he's getting annoyed about being such a non-issue, and how lucky we are in this country to be having all our fundamental needs met and how you never hear kids kicking off in developing countries. I did catch myself tonight, hollering "why do you always tantrum like this?" then thinking "hmm, I wonder where he sees behaviour like that....".
My Dad shouted a helluva lot, and I loved him to bits, but was a bit scared of him and hated the shouting. I really do not want to do this with all my kids and rule by fear/switch them off totally. So I'm looking for tips, things that you do if you are kind of like me but better in control, when you're starting to go a bit tonto?
Please don't reply if you're going to say a)my kids need taken into care or b) how negative an effect my behaviour will have because I am fully aware of this already an will spend the next day and half hating myself about shouting, until stress levels reach a certain point again.
I love both my kids to bits and am happy 80% of the time, but my reaction to my DS1's totally normal and natural behaviour bothers me greatly and I want to change it.
Any website or book recommendations would be welcome!
p.s. I am actually a nice person, and my husband is laconic patience personified, so sleep easy knowing my kids aren't in volatile hands the whole time! and also, in spite of all my hollering, I'm never close to hitting/smacking etc. Just acting like I'm at a football match and my team's losing. And I want my kids to feel like winners!

Need the same help!!! So will keeping a class eye on the replies. Part if my anger was down to anxiety and mild depression which I have just been diagnosed with and am being treated.
I know how you feel as I feel guilty aswell and end up getting upset that I shouted and even swore.
Waiting in anticipation for the replies!

Excuse the bad grammar above

Am I right in thinking that this happens around tea time or does this happen all the time>

If it is around teatime, then you might find, as I did, that your DC has low blood sugar and will be poorly behaved (and this could also be a trigger for you too?). I have solved masses of problems with my DD by making sure she is kept topped up with food.

Now, if it isn't that then I have personally found Toddler Taming is a good book with some useful tips for parents.

Also, 3 is a bloody awful age and really quite hard to deal with (I certainly found that anyway).

Finally, I have found that imagining someone is watching really helps me control my temper.

You know when it is so maybe try to divert him before it happens?Books I would recommend are 'How to talk so kids will listen'and also'The explosive child'has good tips for how to diffuse a situation.
Do you think he is too tired? Can you move tea-time an hour earlier?
Sympathies anyway!

hi all, i have read all of the above..i would totally appreciate advice on this too please. my ds aged 4 has just reached what I can only call the 'stubborn' stage. anything I suggest is met with a 'no', or he will answer a question such as'what story do you want?', then he'll change his mind at least 5 times. I either get cross or switch off in order that I dont get cross, but either response drives him mad. bedtimes have become a bit of a war zone some days, but it can happen any time of day, regardless of whether tired or hungry it seems. i dont quite now what he wants/needs...is it a control thing or he is just really unsettled. on the surface he appears to want his own way on everything,,,, and if he doesnt get it is totally furious and sometimes he hits me. He has been fairly adaptable/agreaable until now. Whilst I realise he is only just 4 he has had frustration issues in the past resulting in him head banging.
Me getting cross and shouting isn't helping, but ignoring this unwanted behaviour isn't working quick enough. I am exhausted with these sudden changes in his behaviour, laughing one minute, furious the next, then happy as larry whilst I am near to tears. is this usual? I am single parent...this is very trying. thanks

dizzy, I was having something similar with my DD. I decided to take the choice away from her - "this is the story we are reading" "this is your tea" " we are going out now" and stop giving her options.

THis helped quite a lot and she seemed pleased to not to have to think about decisions.

I would say do ignore it and brook no arguments. Its your way and no other way. Give some firm boundaries and stick to them.

Also, (and I could be wrong here), I think that boys have a testosterone surge at some point around 4 to 5. You;ll need to google that though to be sure. However, I suspect it is about testing boundaries so you need to set them.