Siblings - how do you manage their relationship?

[notanumber]

I have sibling, two years younger than me. We never got on as children, hated each other as adolescents and now - in our thirties - are estranged and have not talked for several years.

I am pregnant with DC2 and the age gap between my children will be exactly the same as that between my sister and I.

I really really would like to avoid them having the kind of horrible realtionship that my sister and I have, but have no idea how to support this happening.

People keep saying "Oh, is DS looking forward to the baby?" and "DS will love having a sibling" and it's driving me mad. My experience of sibling relationships is very negative and I get really pissed off with people just assuming that it will all be great.

I also think that putting the burden of expectation on a two year old to "love" the interloper who steals his parent's sleep and attention is really unfair.

I am really very worried that it will be horrible for DS and have no idea how best to manage the situation so it's easier for him.

I am also aware that I identify very strongly with DS as the eldest child, and need to think too about being fair to the baby.

God, this is all so hard! Anyone got any experience / advice around this?

i have 2 sisters, luckily we are close.
one of my sisters has the exact age gap(18m) between her kids as i have between mine.They hate each other!and this has influenced the way i have done things with my kids.

our son was the first person to visit his sister in hospital,she was in her crib and he came straight to me,after i had spoke/played with him we took him over to see his new baby,
when we went home,he picked what she was going to wear,he helped bathe her and tuck her into bed,
i do feel like i didnt cuddle my second so much when she was little,as i was VERY aware of not making him feel left out,i used to feed her and put her straight into the moses basket and do activities(drawing/playdoh/cuddle in front of the tv!)with pfb.when he was in bed,she got her cuddle time.
ours are now 4 & 5 and are very close,we also have a 16mo and they are all close.

i think its important they have time together,but also separately,
the fact you are thinking about how you want things to be is good,you will be fine

for nearly 3 years it was just DS1 and me. When i found out DS2 was coming he was the first person i told and he then told all the rest of the family. He was the first one to visit in the hospital and when we brought DS2 home he was my little helper. they now have a fanstastic relationship and DS1 is very protective of his little brother.

all i can say is make sure he feels involved in all the bits he can be involved in even if its just fetching the wipes or the talc when changing baby's bum.
also try not to let your negative feelings about sibling relationship come through in your dealings with your DCs.

Thinking about how your DS is feeling is a good start so you're on the right track!
Like you say, he should not be expected to love his baby sibling. I can't remember which book I read this in (Sibling Rivalry perhaps) where they say to imagine if your DH suddenly brought home a younger, cuter version of you that everyone was admiring and then expected you to love her on top everything else!

He should be allowed to express negative feelings as long as he is not hurting the baby. Similar age gap here and DS can't really remember having a little sister but sometimes after an argument, he still confides in me 'I wish she'd never been born' but he never says things like that to her face and actually they get on really well most of the time.

I think your situation is fairly unusual. Lots of siblings don't get on well as children but get on much better as adults. Just out of interest, do you think it would be possible to rekindle a relationship with your sister?

I would say to have realistic expectations. Siblings can be a source of love and companionship but they can also cause a lot of tension and rivalry. With my older two (aged 7 and nearly 9, both girls) I know they love each other and often play well together but that doesn't stop them from hating each other sometimes and feeling really angry towards each other. I would second about allowing him to express negative feelings towards his sibling. Also the love probably won't be instantaneous - a newborn baby can be pretty boring to a toddler.

Take each stage as it comes, sibling relationships have ups and downs over the years. But sometimes personality clashes come into play and some siblings just don't get on however hard you try. But on the flip side you may find they're best of friends. For the first few weeks/months after the baby's born make sure you give loads of attention to your older one and make sure visitors do the same. Carry on with your ds' normal routine - it just means the baby will come along for the ride.

I read the book Siblings without Rivalry and then I try and do what it says!

Agree with everything NKFc says. Try not to extrapolate from your own experience: your ds is not you and the baby you are expecting is not your sister.

NKF's advice about being realistic is spot on: I would just add that as parents you can do a lot to create happy shared memories when they get a little older.

Things we did to try to help things along between dds 1 and 2 (dd1 is 2.2 years older):

dd1 'discovered' dd2 in the Moses basket after I had spent a while cuddling and kissing dd1. dd1 introduced dd2 to the grandparents (who had brought her back from theirs where she had stayed while I was in hospital. dd2 came complete with super-duper present. I also went shopping with dd1 to buy dd2s first extra-special teddy as a gift from her.

When dd1 was drawing or doing something I would often say that dd2 loved watching her, thought she was clever and she would bring her drawings over and show them to dd2.

Dd1 often chooses dd2's outfits and nappies.

As dd2 got older and started doing more, e.g sitting up we'd say to dd1 'did you teach her to do that?'

dd2 is nearly one so I have no idea whether any of this will help long term but at the moment they are very sweet together and get on really well.

Try not to assume the worst and maintain a breezy assumption that its a pretty good thing to have a sibling even if at times you feel cross with them.

I felt exactly the same way as you. I had 2.5 years between DB and myself and only bad memories of growing up.

There are 2 years and 3 weeks between DS and DD and so far they seem to have a much better relationship. In fact, they seem really close. What i've noticed is that it goes in stages, for example, now DD is 18mths and starting to talk DS keep annoucing to everyone 'DSis can't talk at all. Isn't that funny!' So, I'm trying to spend lots of time noticing the new things he can do. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for him because she is so cute in a way that 18mo are and 3 years olds really can't be.

I read 'Siblings without Rivalry' as well and would throughly recomment it, especially the sections on putting your children in roles.

The other thing that I hadn't really taken into account was that DD(the younger) is much more jealous and possessive than DS.

I do think that a lot of it comes down to personality as well. We are lucky that DS puts up with loads from DD and completely adores her. We're expecting another with the same age gap this autumn and he is genuinely really excited!

Hope this helps. Remember as well it's really normal to worry liek this before DC2 comes along. I remember crying myself to sleep so may nights about what I was doing to DS and now he's so much happy with his sister!

Thanks so much for all the advice. I have carefully noted it all and also ordered the Siblings Without Rivalry book on Amazon!

Thanks also for the timely reminder that DS is not me and DC2 is not my sister! Must. Stop. Obsessing.

"Siblings without Rivalry" (book)

One thing I have been recommended to do is getting some toys/ presents and bringing them home from the hospital when the baby comes, saying that they are a present from the new baby - supposedly this creates an initial positive feeling about the interloper which can last a lifetime...!

Have to run but will come back to watch this thread as I am also interested in this and considered posting something similar. My two dd's are 2.3 years apart and usually they play well together and they love each other to bits but the rivalry between them is very tiring!

(The relation between me and my siblings just got worse and worse over the years. Occasionallly see eachother but more for kids sake. I hate the guts of all of them.)
Not sure how to avoid problems, some of it is different personalities.