my daughter is 2 yrs & 9mths and she does not listen to me. If I call her she says no and does not come. If I instruct her she disobeys me. If I tell her to got to bed she refuses. Help what shoulod I do to get her to obey me and listen to what I say.

[Dilldill]

How can I get my 2yr 9mth old daughter to obey me?

Have you tried any other approaches? Sometimes if For example, if I ask my son to help me, he does it rather than if I tell him too. Also, if he's naughty or 'disobeys' me, often it's a direct attempt to get me to pay attention to him (even though it makes me feel like he's trying to wind me up). I found the book "how to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" byt adele faber & elaine mazlish (Awful title but good book) had lots of useful tips and suggestions.
Good luck.

Dilldill - this all sounds incredibly confrontational to me. Believe me, I'm all for disciplining our kids but life doesn't have to be a battle ground.
You talk about your daughter as though she's a puppy that needs to be trained rather than a little girl who needs to learn about boundaries and not stepping over them.
Maybe it's just your wording that's unfortunate - but do you really want a child who meekly obeys commands?
You say that she doesn't go to bed when you tell her to - surely you put her to bed rather than send her to it? Bedtime has to be a fun routine that a child regards as a pleasant way of winding down at the end of the day - a time for you both to be especially close. My eldest is six and I can't yet imagine a day when I won't go through a bedtime routine with her and her sister who is the same age as your little one.
If someone ordered me to bed or expected me to obey commands then I would fight back as your daughter seems to be doing.
This age is a time when children start to learn that they are separate beings from their mothers and so try to assert themselves as such.
I don't know what everyone else thinks but I find positive reinforcement works the best. Basically you reward them with hugs, kisses kind words etc when they behave well or do as you ask without a fuss.
You can explain to them that nice treats, like going to the park or picnics, trip to grandmas etc etc are reward for being good. If they don't want to do as you ask then you may not want to take them to the swings that afternoon etc
Children who aren't naughty sometimes and don't ever challenge their parents tend to have major problems - basically they're living in fear.
I'm not some right-on earth mother who never shouts at her kids - I tell them off more than I should which every normal parent does.
But you sound frighteningly disciplinarian - I'm sure it must just be that your wording makes you sound harder than you really are.
Although if not, then I think it's you who has the problem and most certainly not your child who sounds like a normal, bright nearly three-year-old. You want to pray that she stays that way and that you don't bully it out of her.

Spot on Melsj - small children should have more freedom, then gradually learn to conform to rules of society as they get older and more able to understand why. Dilldill, when I feel a confrontation coming on, I have to take a break and asking myself, Does it really matter if she does what I want or what she wants? (in my experience it doesn't matter most of the time) Don't worry, your daughter will grow up more self confident and happier for it.

Dilldill, I think your question raises two slightly different issues. How do I get my daughter to listen to me? How do I get her to obey me?

I agree with lots of what Melsj has said, but it's difficult to comment more, because as she says, it could be the way you worded your question.

Very broadly, IMO you have to work on getting your daughter to listen to you - positive reinformcement, etc - before you can ask her to obey you. Sorry if I'm being a bit simplistic.

spelling! positive reinforcement.

Perhaps your little girl has recently learned the power of saying "no" which is always a wonderful revelation for them (and can be the beginning of a hard time for you). Perhaps she has reasons for "disobeying" such as wanting to carry on playing but doesn't yet have all the words to express this to you? Can she talk really well or, like most children of her age, not yet? In any case, I would give her a reason to do what you want rather than get cross or upset. Like, shall we go up to bed now and you can choose which book we will read? Hope this helps.

I see where you are coming from Dilldill. It is annoying. It makes me sound hard but I honestly think praising for good behaviour only works sometimes. You expect kids to be good, it's not something "good" they have done, if that makes any sense. They are behaving how you would expect. It's a bit off topic but a school near mine is giving kids record vouchers for turning up, when they should be automatically going in the first place. I bet they got "rewarded" for going to bed on time as well.

You wouldn't send your child to bed for no good reason I am sure. I honestly have no idea why she doesn't do as she is told.

Dilldill, I can really sympathise with you. Sometimes I feel that I have no control over my children, and no strategies to deal with that lack of control. On the other hand, sometimes they can be really "good" and do things that astound me. I think that you maybe have to lower your expectations. I've found through painful experience that some things are not worth getting into an argument about - for example, sometimes my eldest (4.5) does not want to wear a coat. I know full well that she will tell me soon enough when she gets cold, so I don't argue when she says she doesn't want to wear it, just make sure I have it with me for when she lets me know she's cold. On the other hand, sometimes, I feel as bloody-minded as her, and argue just for the sake of feeling like I'm the one in charge (how naive). So I think what I'm saying is that there's no hard and fast rule for "controlling" children, just general strategies learnt through hard experience. And do you really want a child that you can "control". I think you really mean that you want her to respect you.
Jbr, I agree with you, I think the "praise when good, ignore when bad" theory can work, but some behaviours just cannot be ignored. As I've described on another thread, I don't feel I can ignore my eldest when she throws things, just because she's in the middle of a tantrum that I'm supposed to be ignoring.
How easy it is to be wise when sitting in front of a computer. How hard it is when facing a 4.5 yr-old, and/or 2 yr-old!

I have found those" How to talk so kids will listen" books very helpful and I have also done a Parentlink course which is basically saying the same things as the book but it is helpful to get together with other parents.I think it is a charity called Parentlink ,they may even have a web site.
It is sometimes breaking the cycle of confrontation that changes the whole thing and suddenly everything falls into place again.Star charts have worked very well,but your daughter may be too young.Maybe try acknowledging her feelings for eg"Ican see you are very cross about ??" sometimes that takes the heat out of the situation and she doesnt have to angry anymore as she can see you are understandind her distress.It really does work.
Also try not to label her but her behavior ie instead of "you naughty girl" try"that was a naughty thing to do" and instead of YOU try making things an I FEEL statement so that you are not always having a go at her.
I have been having a difficult time with my 7 yr old and recently stumbled on an old booklet going over all these things and the difference was amazing. It does feel like you are letting them away with things but it isn't, it is just a different way of approaching difficult situations.
Good luck !these phases seem to pass

Come on! This poor child is only 2 - she doesn't understand reasoning yet! As Melsj has said, it is the 'terrible twos' when they are discovering their own identity. My sister has 3 year old twins and has had hell with them both! But she realises that it is a phase which will pass.

Please don't try to reason with a 2 year old, they won't understand you and will only become more frustrated as a result. Just be patient, take a couple of deep breaths and remember that she will improve. A good bedtime routine is an excellent idea, a favourite story as she is snuggled up in bed.

Enjoy your child whilst she is at this age, it soon passes and you will regret not making the most of it.

I think what Lisa V says makes lots of sense. Much as I'd like to think I could start positive reinforcement and simple reasoning with a 2 years 9 month child, I think faced with the reality of a such a tiny toddler in a strop, the theory might fly out of the window. I think a lot depends on how their talking is developing. If they can't verbalise too well, then lots of verbal reasoning, bribes and praise might just go over their heads. Even if they understand lots of what you say to them, their inability to answer back must be terribly frustrating.

I have to say I've just had a scan through the new Christopher Green book 'Toddler Taming'. Huge amounts of useful stuff, lots that I agree with and will do, but.....he seems to apply many of his theories and suggestions to 1 - 2 year olds. I would say they stand more chance of success with a slightly older toddler, unless you have a little one who talks very well.

Thank you all for you help. I will try your ideas. Actually my daughter talks very well for her age and understands everything. I am concerned I might be being too hard on her but how do I know for sure? I am concerned that she still will not listen to me as she gets older as this could get her into serious problems. At the same time I would hate to bully the brightness out of her.

dilldill, i was looking tonight in a book which miriam stoppard was involved with, and this sort of behaviour is entirely "normal" in a child the age your daughter is...they don't all do it but it is normal if they do.

involving strategies are good, rather than instructions - "let's do this" rather than "you do this" or "i bet you can't" rather than "if you don't mummy will be cross" etc.

when you have a strong minded child they do need more "encouragement" to be good than a more biddable one - there's no point thinking "she should do it anyway" if she won't - a small reward when she does, even if it's only a big hug, will be more effective than a punishment when she doesn't.

she will grow out of it, but you want to still be on good terms when she does. we all have days when we feel we're doing everything wrong and all the problems are our fault, but we aren't, and they're not.

so "what story shall we read in bed?" will work better than "go to bed now". or - to quote penelope leach - "i bet you can't tidy up your toys before i've peeled these potatoes" is better than "clear this mess up now!" (and you also have to remember, with a child who speaks and understands well, that they are only nearly 3 and don't really grasp as much as you think - my elder daughter was just 3 when her sister was born and i shudder to think how i over-estimated her comprehension because she spoke well...)

dilldill,
does your daughter have a favourite toy doll or bear? whatever the fav toy for that day is play with it as much as poss near bedtime involve it at dinner bathtime and bedtime routines then dont ask your daughter to go to bed put the toy to bed then say its shouting on her cause its lonely but wants to get a rest so it can play again tommorow.
i know it sounds stupid but i have the same problem well had with my son of 3 and i have dressed footballs up in pyjamas but who cares if it works?

good luck gwen

dilldill, on another thread there was a website someone suggested I had a look out to find out more about attachment parenting, there are some great articles on discipline that really seem to make sense, so have a look at askdrsears.com, there's loads of advice and common sense approaches to toddler behaviour - I'm really trying to keep some of them in my head because at 18 months my daughter has decided to head into the 'terrible two's' without warning!! Good luck...

Hi,One thing that I do with my son and it alway's work's!,I grab his favourite teddy and I do the voice for his teddy, so his teddy ask's him to do whatever I want him to do at that time.
It is alot of fun!.My son love's it when I play this game with him, he does what I ask with out any problem's.
He is 5 year's old but even at 2 1/2 he loved this game.
When you have a toddler you have to come down to their way of thinking.
Ordering a toddler about doesn't work,it just causes alot of grief and heart break.
At 2 1/2 telling you 'no' is normal,all children do this at her age.
So try to make tantrum's into game's.

HTH

Margo.