how can i shake this guilt

[currycrazy]

I was 21 when i had my first dd and i didnt even try to breastfeed....i didnt know anyone who did,i was in a foreign country and even my mum who breastfed 4 children put me off by saying its a real tie,tiring,cracked nipples etc.....she ff her 5th.MIL never bf and i think this was an influence too.
So i beat myself up for years,still do,
then got pregnant with dd2 and a big part of me wanted to bf but i was so split thinking i would be feeling awful all over again if i didnt yet if i did i would never forgive myself that i did it for one and not the other.I know this is not a good attitude but thats how i am.So i decided to try it at least which i did...baby latched on straight away....got up to the ward and baby just wouldnt latch,screaming when i tried to put her on....MW sat and helped but when i tried myself again same.....i just asked for a bottle....
It was a half arsed attempt and i think it was because my heart just wasnt in it.I am very shy and just would not be able to bf in public.....yet funnily enough i dread ff in pulic because of the looks i get.it makes me feel so down like a crap mum.why didnt i try harder....
I know it is selfish and i just feel awful.If i could turn back the clock i would have tried my hardest with both.Its too late now,dd is 3 months but god i am just becoming increasingly upset about it.I dont think im going to have anymore children so that makes me sad too........that i wont get a chance to do it right.
I just feel very down about the whole thing.
please dont flame me for not bothering or trying hard enough..i just wanted to get this off my chest
thanks

But you did do it right. You did what was right for you and thus right for your baby. You won't look at your dcs in 3 years time and say 'I wish I bf you', you'll be too busy with the next stage! It really is such a small part of growing up.

And I have every sympathy, part of my undiagnosed pnd was down to failing to bf, yet I do strongly think it is a failure of the bf campaign that the message preached throughout pg ends up with mothers feeling crap if they can't bf, yet somehow you are meant to succeed with no practical help, just a few sodding leaflets!

If you feel really down, please go and see your gp, rather than going on alone without support.

There is a lot more to loving and caring for a baby than bf. Your guilt shows you want the absolute best for your children, and are keen not to show favouritism. All good qualities.

There is no point carrying that guilt though - we would all do things differently if we could turn back time. What you do have is NOW. If you keep wishing 'if only' you will feel heavy and weighed down - and your children will pick up on it. If you leave it behind and charge on with all the other aspects of parenting you will be freer to be joyful and lighter with your kids.

I had to stop bf at 5 weeks as I was so ill after DD's birth; I felt horribly guilty that on top of a traumatic birth she now was on formula. She is a happy, outgoing, healthy 16 month old and I'm pregnant again. I am going to feel weird if I manage to bf past 5 weeks with this one - like you I will feel odd about being different with them. But I am just going to see what happens this time - one day at a time!

Regret can be an awful burden and you need all your energy to be able to parent your children. It might be that the bf regret is also a hook that other regrets or disappointments are hiding behind. Maybe speak to your GP if you think you could be depressed or prone to it? They might suggest someone to talk things over with to help you move forward.

Thanks for your kind comments...i just really needed to write down how i felt.I know i did what i thought was right at the time although now i obviously see it differently but i know i cant change it.I suppose im looking for someone else to say they´ve been there too but i find it´s normally the ones who really gave it a shot but couldn´t that feel awful,yet in my eyes that shouldn´t be the case.
I don´t feel down in any other way just feel like i´m becoming a bit obsessive about this and i wish it would just go away

You need to get over it. Are bottle feeders bad mums? Should they all be having breakdowns??

no i didnt say they were bad mums... i do enjoy bottle feeding and i have nothing against it i just cant shake the feeling that i should´ve made more of an effort to try and bf thats all.I´m not exactly having a breakdown over it!...i think your comment is a bit rude tbh...

You said you felt awful. Bottle feeding isn't child abuse is it

of course it isn´t but from some of the attitudes i have come across it seems like it sometimes....i feel awful because i suppose i have been made to feel like i have done the wrong thing.

Well you haven't. I tried breastfeeding and didn't have enough milk, so that's that. No guilt whatsoever.

The posters show pretty babies at the breast and mummies looking blissful. Was that your experience of bf? Or did you do what's instinctive, see to her needs and feed your child? Feeding your child is such a bonding experience, however it is done.

It's easier to look back and think oh I could have tried harder, well ok you might have struggled on a bit more, but bear in mind you weren't thinking about yourself, but your desire to comfort and protect your child had kicked in - don't underestimate that feeling.

I also felt enormous guilt for not bf DD2. It was a massive cloud over her early months. I felt I had to justify myself to everyone as to why she was ff. She is 3.5 now and I rarely think about it. She is also my last baby and, like you that was an issue. You are not alone in feeling as you do and time will heal, promise x

I have four kids none were bf 3 healthy and happy my oldest was killed in car crash 3yrs ago aged 13. please dont beat yourself over this the kids wont care what way they were feed as long as their bellys are full, they'd rather have a mom whos happy loves and plays with them. just be thankful you have them with you and make the most of it.

OMG! Don't you dare feel guilty. There is no need. We all do what we can.

I have regrets about things I didn't do or did 'wrong' over the last 13yrs since my eldest was born, but the one thing I have learned is that in the grand scheme of things IT DOESN'T MATTER. TBH if mine all reach adulthood healthy and happy with no major hang-ups and preferably still quite liking me, I will be more than happy.

at earlier posts how horrible I was. That's not me at all usually.
Fuck off Junglist!!!
Hope that makes up for it

i think you may be heading for depression.

If your children are fine, and you know they are fine, this is not an appropriate level of guilt. examine your life closely, and see if you can do more things that are fun.

Arf @ self-flaming

I agree with Dinahrod.

Mine are 7 and 4 and neither were breastfed.

I used to care, I used to feel guilty, and now I can barely remember how they were fed. I can't remember when I weaned ds2 or what his first word was.

I can't remeber quite how old they were when they walked, or cut their teeth.

But IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Don't feel guilty about this. I've had three. The first two, I BF for six months each and it was six months of HELL. I had every horrible association you can get with BGing - mastitis, blocked ducts, thrush, cracked nipples, bleeding nipples, exhaustion, crying cos they fed so bloody much!!! Being used as a dummy...I was in so much agony I used a gum shield to bite down on during feeding and swore blind they should be included in the Bounty Bags.

I persevered through guilt and to be honest by the time I got to my third, through another dose of severe mastitis, sweats, grief and crying (bordering on depression - he fed so much we called him "Ridiculous Nicholas") that I thought - I'm not getting to spend any time with my 1 year old and 8 year old, I'm dreading every feed... I lasted a month. Then put him on to FF and he has just rocketed. He is now 1 and there is NO difference between him and the others in terms of development.

DON'T get me wrong, I'm a big believer in BFing and if you can do it and you don't have to suffer the grief I did, then more power to you and if you suffer the grief and still manage to stick in then you deserve a medal. We are made to feel guilty with ever corner we turn and ever page we turn in a newspaper. Go with your gut instict, you are clearly a good mum and you really have to stop feeling guilty about his. As my HV said to me; 'It's not poison your putting down his throat! And the FF is made more and more to mimmic the BF milk anyway."

Honestly, don't sweat it. I have spoken to a lot of women about this in my time and I think it can be one of the main causes of PND. It nearly got me. Happy Mummy = Happy Baby.

Sorry about the ramble!

Mrsbusy - so sorry for your loss.

I bf for 5 weeks befoer finally admitting defeat and totally put myself through the wringer about it. I felt exactly like you describe.

However, now that my lo is older and weaned etc, it has given me the room to reflect and I feel completely different. I actually think that it was selfish of me to continue for as long as I did when dd so blatantly wasnt getting enough and was startving! I struggled on for my own reasons and preconceptions and ignored all of my instincts. (Dont get me wrong I dont feel bad about this as such, just philosophical really, DD is a big healthy baby now )

Just because you had tried harder would not mean you had done the right thing iyswim.

Also, after spending my entire life worrying about whether people approve of me or if I am good enough, the whole experience has finally made me not care what other people think of my choices. Sod them!

Anyway love is the most important thing you can give a child imo. (sorry thats not supposed to sound cheezy!)

I am of the opinion that it is not as simple as bf is always best for baby physically and/or psychologically. When you are in pain or distressed with feeding this is not good for you and therefore not good for baby. It's so hard being a Mum that you should do whatever you feel is right for you. I was bf for 8 months as a baby and i have allergies, always seem to catch everything and was in therapy for 10 years! Agree with coldtits about it not being an appropriate level of guilt... it is prob more of an indication of your low mood than anything that has been bad for your children. Bw

I have felt (and still do really) exactly like you. I made an attempt at getting DS to latch on, he wouldn't. It got to 15 hours after he was born and he still hadn't had anything to eat. MW gave him an ounce of formula as his blood sugar was just above dangerous levels and he gulped it down.

I have M.E. and was really worried about BF making you feel tired when I have enough of that and I was worried about not having enough energy to look after my DS. After being up for about 30 hours and trying to BF, I just asked them to get me a bottle.

I'm not exactly sure if I had any milk tbh. MW tried hand expressing and we got 1 drop after about 15 minutes. Then when my milk came in, I leaked a couple of drops once and that was it.

I also don't want to do it next time as I will feel I was unfair. I have often wondered if it is why my DS has had excema since he was 6 weeks too.

You are not alone in how you feel but we all need to stop feeling so guilty. Our DCs are thriving which is what is important. I too blame the whole breast is best campaign for making us feel inadequate.

Also I really believe that nobody is looking at you and judging you on how you feed your baby.

They are probably thinking "What a cute baby".

I'm also very sorry for your loss Mrsbusy. I'm sending you a hug. That made my eyes fill up with tears.

To the OP I think you sound like a wonderful mother. I know plenty of women who didn't even consider bf and none of them (as far as I know) ever felt any guilt about it so why should you, who tried to do it feel guilty.

I was lucky I guess because I found it easy but that's just luck on my part. I supplemented his bf's with formula from the day he was born because I was worried that if I was ever sick or unable to feed then I wanted him to be able to take it from either the breast or the bottle and it's a good job I did, because when he was 6 months old my uncle died and I had to travel to Ireland for the weekend to attend his funeral. Baby didn't have a passport at that point so I had to leave him with his father.

48 hours without feeding him was incredibly painful (physically) for me and I ended up going to the casualty dept in an Irish hospital and begging them to help me because I was in so much pain. They hooked me up to one of those machines that suck the milk out of you and they donated the milk to a 'milk bank'. For some reason I never was able to express milk myself. I tried (in Ireland, to relieve the pain and pressure) but I just couldn't manage it.

Also I had terrible diarrhoea and vomiting once and was advised not to bf while I was so sick. Again, I was grateful for formula milk!

I don't think you're a bad mother at all, if anything maybe you're a little bit depressed right now with all the lack of sleep and the upheaval. Give yourself a break because you sound like a wonderful mother to me and I mean that sincerely. {{{{hugs}}}}} to you.

hi to everyone who has spoken to me about this...i really appreciate your views and they have made me feel alot better.I think some of you are right that i have been down in general lately and maybe it is coming out in other ways?

thank you for your lovely insight mrsbusy which really put a new persepective on it.
I really am so sorry for your loss...it makes everything seem so insignificant in comparison. (hugs)

jemnot...lovely post thank you very very much

and junglist dont worry

I think i will always have a pang of guilt no matter what but it will lessen with time and in the grand scheme of things it isn´t the be all and end all!

thank you

i get so cross when people feel bad for bottle feeding, it is absolutely fine. i wish there was a national campaign to support it. i bf ds1 for 3weeks and ds2 for 2 weeks. i feel a better mum for doing this as i can see milk going into them and feel i am feeding them in a way i didnt when bf. my boys are happy and healthy and that is the most important thing to me. it also means dh can feed them and he loves that time with them. i go by a happy mum is a happy baby and if its stressing you, the baby will pick it up. my friend bf dd till over 1 and she had awful exzma. i didnt want to bf in public either although i did it once with ds2, its just not something i felt comfy with. i was leaking milk so production was never an issue with me, it was too much to cope with after ds1, ill after c sec and impractical with ds2. we are all fab mums.