Struggling with DS now that DD has arrived

[LEMONADEGIRL]

I am really struggling with my DS 3.5 at the moment which i have put down to the birth of my dd 3 weeks ago.

He had become so defiant and difficult at times that I just totally loose the plot and end up screaming at him and have smacked him twice. I hate mysrlf afterwards and end up stressed and crying and feel so guilty for my behaviour.

He refuses to get dressed, will not pick toys up and has turned very cheeky towards myself and DH.

I realise that he has to adjust to the baby etc but I have bent over backwards to make sure i spend time with him, include him with baby at bath time etc, bought a present from the baby.

I wake each day from my sleep deprived state and tell myself that i will be calm etc but invariably a situation will arise.

I never imgined how hard trying to please two would be and just feel so streesed out.

My dh works long hours and has hobbies that take a part of each evening and weekend so feel that don't have huge amount of saupport from him at moment either.

Any advice would be raaly appreciated.

It will pass and get easier with time especially as the baby gets less needy

try and get out each day

count to ten or leave the room

put baby on bouncy chair whenever possible and give ds attention

judicious use of tv is v v v helpful - lots is ok too if you need to

give yourself permission to be good enough for now, even if you were supermum before. Make it a goal to just get through to the end of the day. This is a v short phase in your son's life, be kind to yourself

sing happy songs loudly when you feel like screaming/crying/exploding

you will be through the hardest bit soon, chin up girl. It is hard bloody work, don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

Fwiw dd is 2.10, ds 10 months and they are great friends, the days don't drag, I like my life. Iwas you 10 months ago!!

Your dh needs to cut back on his extracurric and give you a hand though.

thank you for your kind reply

It is good to read that I am not the only one.

I love my DS so much and hate it when i end up yelling at him especially as he is little and having a major adjustment, I worry about scaring him.

I have been trying to get out each day so we can change the scene etc but putting clothes on has been one of the factors causing problems - will trying singing when he does it tomorrow

Agree about DH but he doesn't think hes that bad and just causes a row. Of course i should think it is okay that he does sport sat and sun that takes up half the day.

I would bombard your ds with praise. Every single tiny thing he does that is good tell him about it. Focus on him as much as possible, not him in relation to the baby IYSWIM.

With the clothes, lay out two different things and offer him a choice. Put the trousers on your head and dance around the room. Anything to lighten the mood.

In Siblings Without Rivalry it asks you to imagine that your husband said to you "You are such a nice wife, and I love you so much, I am going to get another wife just like you..." It is SO hard for them to adjust to this situation.

Also don't beat yourself up for losing it. I actually never ever shouted at DS until DD came along. I certainly did afterwards...

Also your DH needs to reign in his hobbies. He needs to be there at night to look after his children.

I feel for you ds1 was a nightmare but only 22month when ds2 arrived. Ds2 is now 6m and things are allot easier.

But i often lost it with ds because he was so naughty, especially towards ds2. (he was a lovely, well behaved child before ds2, slept well, ate well etc.)

My patience was not there at all due to complete sleep deprivation.

I felt horrid sometimes like an awful shouty mother. Really guilty that i couldn't control the situation.

Luckily ds1 hasn't had any adverse reactions to his snappy mother and is allot better now, still attacks his younger brother at times but allot better.

He also responds well to the threat of the naughty step. Don't often have to put him on anymore as the threat is enough for him to stop his naughty behaviour.

In the early days he was so naughty he would go on the step up to 10 ten times in a day!

So all i'm trying to say is it will get better as he gets more used to the situation.

I really sympathise as my dd1 was impossible when dd2 was born, having previously been an easy child. I too used to end up shouting by the end of the day, but there is only so much you can take before cracking!
Just keep trying to give him attention and time with just you as you are already doing. It will get easier in time I promise. It is a huge shock to the system for the older one, but they will get used to it. Mine are now 3 and 5, but i still remember how enormously difficult that toddler and newborn stage was. Take no notice of anyone who says they found it easy as "The younger one just slotted in." They will probably end up with terrible teenagers or something.

It can be really tough when you jump from one to two children so don't be hard on yourself.

Does your ds not go to nursery to give you a break during the day?

thank you for all your kind words - do feel better for them.

I will try more praising and attention for DS, am hoping to take him swimming on his own tomorrow and leave dd with grandma.

DS goes to nursery two mornings a week and we do a playgroup one morning a week which helps.

I feel so lucky having two beautiful children and ds loves dd and is so proud of her.

Haven't read all the answers - too sleep deprived!!

Just to say I have a 2.10 yr old DS and 15 week old DD.

My DS was (honestly) a very easy toddler. Lovely calm nature.....until DD arrived!

I went through the same prossess. I missed my old DS and I felt so guilty.

I was stressed out with new DD, she has reflux and screamed constantly. I was knackered and he was pushing me to the limits.

I was always loosing the rag and shouting loads.

I clicked onto the fact that when I was shouting, less patient, he was worse. With sleep deprivation it's hard to pull off a Mary Poppins impersonasion!

Luckily, about 2 weeks ago my DD calmed down, then I calmed down and hey presto, DS calmed down. I felt bad that his awful bahaviour was mainly caused by my change in mood.

They sense your stress, your impatience and react badly to being shouted at and punished because esentially they are feeling very insecure just now (don't need to tell you that). Pushing your buttons, getting attention any way possible.

I hate to tell you this but he is still insecure, infact getting increasingly worse as DD now has personality and getting loads more attention (funny faces and resberry's mainly)

BUT

Because I am calmer now he is reacting by being clingy, affectionate and being very baby-ish for attention - much easier to handle and loads more cuddles.

I hope that helps a bit. Im basically saying don't beat yourself up, it's impossible not to be snappy just now especially when he is testing you.
Eventually your new DD will settle and everything else will follow.

HAng in there. x

My ds's have 22 months between them, they are two and 6 months.

Someone asked me is it easier when you have the second.
I thought about it and No it's not.

Nothing is really that enjoyable- not that i don't enjoy them, what i mean is.

I loved spending time with ds1 playing, bath times. weaning, walks, baby groups etc

DS2

hardly ever have one on one time with him just playing,

Bath times are literally just as quick as possible as there is so much to do in a morning.

I BLW ds1, haven't got time to indulge in this with ds2 just need to try and make sure they get fed, then clean us all up after eating.

We haven't been to the park much, more to do with the weather.

DS2 has only been taken to baby and toddler group once in 6 months.

Basically all the bits I enjoyed first time around with ds1 just aren't possible this time around with ds2. Then also ds1 suffers as he doesn't get the attention that he did and really plays up because of this, resulting in a cross shouty mummy and lots of time on the naughty step.

Ds2 doesn't get held as much and inevitably gets left to cry when I have to see to ds1.

Your torn in two and neither child ever gets the best of you. But I'm told it gets better. I'm really looking forward until they are 2 and 4 and can play together. DS1 being potty trained, D1 not being so attached to me (although I will secretly miss this as I love it really as he's my last)

I guess the trade off of not having the full attention of your mum is a sibling to enjoy!

Right that's enough rambling from me.

Haha i've changed my tune I didn't realise i'd posted on this before i was allot more optimistic then lol How things change in such a short time!

I read your title and in my head thought '3 weeks'! My DS was a wonderfully behaved little boy, was fantastic when DD arrived but when she was 3 weeks old it all changed! Not for long though 3 weeks max and then all back to normal. They are 5 and 2 now and play wonderfully together. Good Luck, keep your chin up, all will be well. x

My DS1 took about a year to adjust to the birth of his baby brother, when he was 2.7. It was a complete shock how angry he was, and I was the only person (or so it seemed) whose previously gentle son used to hit the baby. I am sad to admit that I disliked him for a while. I don't mean to say that it was very bad for a whole year, but 3 weeks is very early days, and you are very tired and in shock.

We watched A LOT of DVDs at this time ...

Mine are 6 and 9 now, and I am so glad, and so very grateful to have the 2 of them,. It was/is SO worth the pain of this bit.

I also agree that you need to have a serious chat with your DH about this. I was in danger of going under at one point, and arranged for DH to take over every Sat morning. I think it takes some men a while to see that it is "all hands on deck" once you have 2 DCs