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Original poster

How to deal with 4yo who always has to have the last word.....

27 replies

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 29/03/2010 17:35

.....DS1 is nearly 4, and at home today due to being a bit poorly. Am going insane.

We seem to get into these dreadful conversations where neither of us will budge and it always ends up with him wailing at me at the top his lungs....any tips on avoiding this without being a complete pushover?

Example - we have played a board game and done 4 puzzles. I've warned him this is the last one. Then I say 'Now Mummy is going to have five minutes peace downstairs'

DS1 (wails) - Noooooo! I want to play anothger game!

Me - No, I need five minutes to myself. Please don't wail at me like that.

DS1 - Noooooooooo, I WANT TO PLAY ANOTHER GAME!!!

Me - No listen. I'm going to have five minutes peace, then we'll do something else

DS1 - wails and screams and stamps feet

Me - Don't SHOUT AT ME! (I know, I know, the irony....)

Me - Ok I'm not listening to you wailing at me. I'm going to sit down and have my five minutes

DS1 (screams angrily at me until I go and deal with him again).

Basically if I ignore him he goes mental, but he won't hear of anything except his own way if I'm talking to him.

I've tried sending him to his room - he won't go, and it's two flights of stairs up and I'm knackered.

Any thoughts? Am at end of tether.

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Tortington · 29/03/2010 17:38

you go out of the room then, leave him to it. with a " i will not be present to witness this disgusting behaviour from you - and calmly walk away to your room

BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/03/2010 17:41

So when he 'goes mental' what does that entails? and
what do you do, how do you react to that?

I would walk away, be busy making a cup of tea and just not respond

blowbroth · 29/03/2010 17:44

Ignore him. Ask yourself who is charge here and if you do nothing about it now imagine it in about 10 years time. This was always my strategy!

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 29/03/2010 17:50

Thank you! When I walk away he screams even more loudly, and carries on for ages. The screaming seems to change from angry to really upset as well, iyswim.

Now I see it written down I can see that I should just ignore ignore ignore, but somehow at the time that doesn't seem like a good option. Probably because of the noise level!

I also tend to lose my temper and shout back - definitely all the more reason to ignore, I guess. I tend to say things like 'if you carry on with that noise then no telly' or some other threats, but I guess I should just ignore, not bother with threats/punishments?

God, 4 yo boys are hard work.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 29/03/2010 17:53

yy ignore ignore ignore

he is v clever and he knows how to get a response from you, and you are the gift that just keeps giving

so take the wind out of his sails by refusing to participate, sail calmly by, mentally shrug, 'so what if he is shouting?' kind of thing

good luck

blowbroth · 29/03/2010 17:55

Obviously try not to shout. It will all just get louder, louder and LOUDER. I always think a quiet , calm voice can be slightly sinister and more effective! Easy to say I know but worth a try.

Tortington · 29/03/2010 17:57

not any threats or punishments you aren't going to cary through - and thats probably most threats.punishments - for a quiet life i assume.

just walk away and put your headphones in, tell him you aren't going to tolerate his behaviour unless he starts being polite.

you aren;t doing him any favours - or yourself - its your job to socialise him - if he grows up thinking this is what it takes to get things his way, he might turn into naoimi campbell

mamsnet · 29/03/2010 18:02

My DD can be like this too.. 4 in May..

Ignore, ignore, ignore.. he'll tire of it.

Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 29/03/2010 18:21

at the mental image of DS1 throwing his mobile at his assistant!

You're right, he is playing me like a fiddle..... Need to be better at ignoring, but by god he winds me up sometimes!

OP posts:
Othersideofthechannel · 29/03/2010 18:29

Rather than getting into an 'oh no you're not' 'oh yes I am situation' how that at the first 'no', you empathise with him.

"It's hard when you're having fun and it comes to an end but I need to have a rest now or do x, y, z. When I've finished, how about you set up a picnic for me to have when I get back?"

With a bit of luck he will get engrossed in a new game and you'll get more than 5 minutes peace.

specialmagiclady · 29/03/2010 18:31

I have found 1-2-3 Magic book really helpful with this kind of behaviour. Helps me to remember not to get involved!

Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 29/03/2010 19:21

I bought 123 magic but couldn't get on with it - it just seemed much too cut and dried to me. But then clearly I'm too much of a softy!

The other thing he does to wind me up is NAG! Honestly, he can be like an old wife sometimes, asking the same thing over and over again 'Pleeeeeese can I watch Cbeebies, pleeeeese' until I end up yelling 'NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' at him.

How does one make the nagging stop after the first No?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 29/03/2010 19:22

Sometimes that distraction stuff works othersideofthechannel - but today it just got more wailing

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LeninGrad · 29/03/2010 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Othersideofthechannel · 29/03/2010 19:47

Just reread your OP and see he is ill.

I would just stick a DVD on and not worry about the wailing. He's only 3 and will have plenty of well days to learn about being polite and considerate!

Hullygully · 29/03/2010 19:54

You need to institute a strict series of punishments before this disgusting behaviour gets completely out of hand. Spare the rod.

Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 29/03/2010 20:02

What are you thinking Hully - withdrawal of all telly privileges for a year for the first offence?

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Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 30/03/2010 07:59

He's not very ill - just had a bout of diarrhoea which meant he couldn't go back to nursery for 24 hours. Perfectly well in himself.

He's currently shouting on the foot of the stairs because he wouldn't ask me in a normal voice to sit next to him at breakfast, but just screamed at me. I ignored and just said calmly that I would come and sit down when he asked me in a normal voice.

Then I got sick of the shouting and put him out of the room, again calmly. He is VERY LOUD though. Hope the walls are thick enough

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 30/03/2010 08:06

Agree with ignore. dd went through a phase of this (with lots of whining thrown in) and I explained to her quitely and calmly that the more she shouted/whined at me, the more peace and quiet I would need to recover - I had a timer and I wound it on 1 minute every time she shouted after I had warned her. She didn't have to stay in her room or anything for the time, just leave me in peace.

Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 30/03/2010 08:44

Ooooh, I'm liking the timer idea. We need a timer anyway, as I discovered the other day when making boiled eggs. Might have to invest in one of those.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Slickbird · 30/03/2010 10:14

Totally sympathise - my middle dc is 2.6 and she is hell on legs at the moment. Lots of whining and screaming tantrums and I mean SCREAMING. She has a voice loud enough to melt rock. I know yours is slightly older but I'm in the ignoring camp.

It is very hard sometimes, but I have tried the 5 second rule - eg after protesting/lying kicking on the ground/general defiance I say, 'right you have 5 seconds (to do what I'm asking) or you go on your chair in the hall. And MOST of the time it now works. I also used this rule to get her to stop whining and I have to say, she does actually do it less now.

She was having a screaming fit yesterday and as I carried on completley ignoring her (her following me) my ears couldn't take it any more so I just calmly lifted her without a word and put her in her room. I appreciate a 4 yr old might not stay in his room, but I'm sure we put a hook and eye at the top of the door for our eldest when she was going through that phase at that age and it did no harm.

She did used to batter the hell out of the door with the heaviest (plastic) object she could find. Wee bugger.

Also my health visitor said, 'give them your answer and if they pester say, "I've given you my answer and that's it' and then if they pester more, just ignore'. It does help.

So do ear plugs!

good luck.

specialmagiclady · 30/03/2010 13:34

123 Magic is very cut and dried, but actually that's kind of what you need to be to deal with this sort of behaviour. If the child thinks they "might, just might" be able to get round you, they will continue to do whatever they can to get you to do what they want and it will be worth it.

I just find it really helps me to be consistent. I probably bought it when my DS1 was about this age and I found myself in a constant threat/bribe circle. It helped me to deliver on my threats, basically. If you have it, give it another read.

Oblomov · 30/03/2010 13:46

Are you sure you are spelling it out. Before ? I mean after game 3, you say this is the last oone and then mummy is going downstairs. o.k. ? and get him to agree. verbally. yes mummy.
check. right so you understand, i don't want any wailing etc. that kind of converation ? might help ?
then walk. and don't respond.

Original poster
WhatFreshHellIsThis · 30/03/2010 16:34

Maybe I'll give it another go specialmagiclady - I think I got turned off by the very American style as well, which is a bit daft.

Oblomov I do always spell it out and get him to agree, but some days he is just a monster. But thank you!

OP posts:
coldtits · 30/03/2010 16:37

From the conversation you've printed, it seems that the reason it annoys you that he always wants the last word is, in fact, because you want the last word yourself.

he's still having tantrums, and by getting up to 'go and deal with him' every time he screams, you're teaching him that shouting and screaming at you makes you do what he wants (which is simply to give him all your attention)