Anyone else NOT do rewards?

[NK5c74826eX126faefc14d]

I was having a chat with a mum at school about attendance certificates (she is completely against them). She is of the belief that it sends out the wrong message and children should be motivated to come to school for the right reasons and not to get a reward.

I asked her if she never gives rewards herself to her children for good behaviour and she said, no never! She gives occasional treats but they are not conditional to behaving well. If her children misbehave they talk about it and explain why it was wrong. Now surely the two go hand in hand - I, like most parents, explain why some things are wrong but I also sometimes reward good behaviour. But she says children should want to behave well for its own sake not to get a reward.

Do you think she has a point?

Yes, I totally agree. That said if DS achieved something that he was struggling with beforehand I would take him for a fun day out (ie movie or similar).

But, no, he does not get any rewards for getting good grades, being polite, helping a bit around the house. I expect him to do it without any bribery (that's what it amounts to imo).

No rewards here either...

Seeing me looking pleased (and occasionally surprised) is a reward, isn't it?

Oh no, Im bad for rewarding/bribing. Just realised reading this.

I do think doing it constantly is wrong and im slipping into this becuase I have a new baby and it's making life easier just now. I can see how it will eventually send the wrong message though. Need to stop it .

I don't 'not do' anything.

Unless you know what's coming, never say never is my motto

I don't think I have ever rewarded behaviour with anything more than a few words or smiles.

I agree that children should just behave because it's polite and enjoyable and expected. So, yes, she has a point

Depends. I dont give rewards for everyday stuff. Occasionally, if its something big, I use bribes.

I remember this question coming up at school, some children got paid ten pounds for every O Level they passed, or something like that. Have never been convinced of the sense of that.

no rewards here. he gets things but not for /in relation to good behaviour. i just expect it.

A friend who I consider to be an excellent parent (has raised 5 amazing, funny, well balanced, independent children) once told me she raised her children with the saying "success is its own reward".

I know it's a bit of a cliche and maybe a bit twee but I do believe that and I often say it to my DD (11).

DH is more inclined to want to reward her, especially for a good school report or something but I think that's because he feels like he wasted his time at school and he is just so happy that she like s school (ATM) and is a head down, hard worker.

That is not to say I haven't resorted to star charts when they were younger!

There's a very good book on this called 'Unconditional Parenting' Reading it has TOTALLY put me off rewards.

Basically if you reward children (even jsut with praise) they will eventually do the behaviour for the reward, and not for the pleasure it used to bring them.

Howevever that doesn't mean you don't interact with child - just don't use continual empty praise. For example if they do a painting rather than tell them how brilliant you think it is, just ask them about it, what's it of, what they like about it etc.

Rewards are definately dangerous when you take the long term view. You are trying to raise a confident / independent / responsible etc child. Relying on you or the school for praise won't help them acheive these goals.

Liz

no, we don't do rewards/sanctions either

other posters have already explained why very well!

I try not to for all the reasons other posters have mentioned above.

Now you mention it, we don't either

the reward of mummy not shouting her head off is surely enough

Agree 100% with your friends approach NK5. That's how we work too.

I really hate the way some people seem to have to pay or bribe their children into doing the most everyday things. It sounds so grabby.

I make sure mine have treats and sometimes they are only small things, sometimes big, but are not in payment for anything. If they do well say at school for example we certainly do make a big thing of it (ie phone Grandmas, make a big fuss) but not in terms of money or rewards necessarily.

Ds is only 3 but we dont do rewards / bribes yet - not really a conscious 'pareting decision' just going my instinct really.

Thanks for replies - interesting. I must admit after talking to her I felt a bit daft having my star chart with stars for things like putting shoes away or playing nicely! I've abandoned it! Are you allowed to change your principles??

Of course you are NK5. It's a learning curve being a Human parent afterall and we all learn from our mistakes. Better to abandon early on IMO though

I try not to do physical rewards, I think you get onto a merry-go-round of madness if you have to produce a shiny star / bit of pasta / choc drop / ipod every time the child does something that's expected of them.

Having said that I'm a bit guilty of saying 'well done' to chivvy along good behaviour. So much so that DD is now prone to imperiously commanding 'say well done for saying please'

I don't really do rewards. If they are all playing nicely (for once!) I might present them with a biscuit- any rewards I give tend to be when they don't expect them, iyswim. I think making me happy should be reward enough

My dd6 would never expect to get a reward but if she did something really well she might get a treat for it. For example the other day my neighbors bin blew over and their garbage went everywhere. She was playing outside and without being told to she walked over, uprighted it, and proceeded to pick up all the garbage. I thought that deserved a treat so I made her Red Velvet Cupcakes (her favorite).

I work, I expect to be rewarded for it. If I didn't get paid I wouldn't work.

Why should children be any different? sure there are things I do because I love it, but there also lots of druggery, where I require significant amounts of motivation to get on with the task. One of the nicest rewards is feeling that I have done a good job myself or earning the respect of people I value. And I don't think that is so awful. A world without rewards and praise would be a dire place.

Yes, but if you need to reward a child for things that are expected of them and other people see as the norm, you are surely going to end up with spoiled children?

I reward good behaviour all the time. Even by just saying that they are well behaved and I am very happy about it. Actually, I just do and say what I feel like, and I try to be myself whatever I do with the children. I don't follow any expert advice, they are often fads and have a very short shelf life. Just be yourself as a parent, and consistent. I praise them when they deserve it, kiss them when they want a kiss. even if it's against some 'advice' from 'expert'. For example, if one of my boys has a tantrum (which really only happens if they are very tired) I ask them to stop crying, and if they would say something 'I can't stop crying I'm verry upset' I'd say do you want a cuddle? and they stop crying very quickly. I know 'experts' say I'm not supposed to do that but frankly I don't care. They are very good boys and don't misbehave often at all. They are polite, kind, and so far confident children. They enjoy the attention they get when they behave well, and they get a lot of attention!