Lost my temper with ds who is 12 this morning - any tips or advice?

[IndiMamaJones]

My ds is lovely a lot of the time but also infuriating! He is my eldest so I feel as if I'm learning at every new stage.

He just knows how to press my buttons - no huge thing but lots of little irritations which make life quite wearing at times!

He mutters under his breath wheneve I ask him to do things(things like what the hell etc), he has his hair brushed over his eyes so he never looks at me properly and his whole attitude is generally insolent(dh threatened him with short back and sides last night but we wouln't do that!)

I feel like we're getting into a cycle - he's cheeky and sulky, I shout and nag, so he's sulky etc.I love him so much and just want to enjoy spending time with him again.

Oh also, Xbox is an issue. I let him have an hour on it when all his homework is done, he thinks I'm too controlling. And I won't buy him COD6 which is an 18 - this is a major bone of contention as all his friends have it apparently

So - any advice gratefully received

What is he responsible for around the house - something you can praise him for doing. It's a tricky age.

Nothing really - I tend to just ask for help as and when I need it rather than giving him set responsibilities. He's meant to keep his room tidy but that escalates into a row as he says it's his room so up to him how he keeps it!

He did really well in a test yesterday so I praised him for that, he asked if he could have a 'reward' meaning the Xbox game, I i said no....cue another row

I'm making him sound awful and spoilt

My 12 year old ds is exactly the same, one minute a lovely boy and the next a raging monster.

Not sure what to advise but you're not alone.

I just feel totally at sea - I have two younger ones who are much easier (as he was at their age !) and think he sees them not getting told off which makes him feel even more annoyed

Lots iof advice for toddlers etc, but need some for soon to be teenage boys!

my ds is nearly 11 but has hit puberty with a vengeance - most books tend to say "your teenager will be horrible and hate you whatever you do" but one that DIDN'T and was actually helpful was "how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk."

i was sceptical as i didn't rate the kids version at all, but this is actually really good and ds and i are getting along a lot better...for now...

good luck

Thanks. Tried looking on Amazon before but so many to choose from so will look for that one!

Hi IndiMamaJones

I have a DS13, also my eldest, so you have my sympathy. He too does the hair over his eyes thing and it makes me grrrrrr!

I've posted this before but I'll do it again because it really helped me (and him) and has defused so many situations where we both have been close to losing our tempers.

I searched for Kevin and Perry on Youtube, the episode were Kevin turns into a teenager. I watched it with DS1 and we both laughed at it and he did admit that he behaves like Kevin with the eye rolling, shoulder slumping, cries of 'You're so unfair!'

Now when things are getting heated, either of us pulls a Kevin face or 'I hate you' in Kevin voice, we both laugh instead and talk about what's up rather than shouting.

COD6 is a trickier one to deal with, my DP owns the game and DS1 would play it all day if I let him. Instead he has limited goes on it and I sit there talking to him about the effects of real war on people while he plays it. Not everyone's choice to let their DC play on older rated games but this has been tied in with him improving his attitude to school and homework. Trying to let him be responsible for his own actions, ie letting him discover the consequences of not doing his homework rather than evenings of me nagging him to do it. He has made vast improvements in this area and playing on the Xbox was one of the 'rewards' that he chose.

Good luck!

That sounds a good idea - will do that too.

Have to go out now, but will check back later. Feel better having some ideas as this morning I just cried when he went to school all surly. I can still see my little golden toddler in him and it's so hard when he gets so annoyed

I hate to be the voice of doom, but get used to the surly attitude, the hair over the eyes and the muttering.

My eldest is 13 and he has been like this for a year or more. I particularly relate to what you say about wanting to enjoy time with him again as my son seems to reject me all the time so our only communication is me asking him to do things and him muttering back at me - very wearing. My son is naturally shy and uncommunicative which only makes it worse as he won't talk to anyone but his friends and his nearest brother. The brother is 12, so within that difficult age bracket, but he is a ray of sunshine and joy in my life. He has started occasionally losing his temper (mainly with ds1!) but that is a very occasional thing and for the most part he is as cuddly, cheerful and communicative as he was as a little boy. I don't think he is going to get the teenage moods, well, I hope not as ds1 is hard enough to deal with.

My round about point is, don't blame yourself for how your ds is. If I can produce one monster and one angel through exactly the same parenting, it can't be anything I did.

The only advice I can offer is to stick to your rules and don't be swayed by him saying "other parents allow this that or the other". I don't know the game you speak of but I do not allow my boys games with an age range more than maybe a year older than they are, sometimes not even that.

I find that rules rigidly adhered to, do seem to become accepted over time so work out your ground rules and be prepared to work hard to begin with establishing them.

And maybe try not to worry too much about spending enjoyable time with him. You have to accept that you are a parent and automatically not cool to teens. People tell me my son will come round to liking me again one day and so I try to be as pleasant as I can be and play the waiting game.

Thank you all for wise words - he's just got in from school and given me a huge hug and apologised for being so rotten this morning!

Have my lovely son back (for now....!!)

It is good to hear that other people have similar experiences, and get different perspectives on how to handle things.

I have two younger dd's and by all accounts girls are worse - better stock up on valium/wine!

Don't worry - you are not alone!

My dd is 14 and she goes from a sunny, brilliant girl to moody, muttering and eye rolling. She can chage moods really quickly from one to another. Don't take it personally.

I let the huffer puffing go but she knows I will not tolerate rudeness or backchat.

I think teenagers are like toddlers - they need firm boundaries and repetetive, constant action. If you give them an inch etc.

DD never used to have fixed chores, she just helped out as and whem. But I found I got completely exasperated with asking her to hoover or ahetevr, and her moaning about it. So, her chores are fixed: she has to do the dishes, clean the bathroom, keep her room clean, change the sheets and clean out my car. All for which she gets her allowance (she gets the child benefit every month).

She is allowed on her laptop for a fixed amount everuy day after homework has been done. The broadband goes off at 7, 10 at the weekends. If she cheeks me or does something wrong I take her laptop and/or her mobile away. She hates that so is a good discipline measure.

She goes to air cadets which is very disciplined, she really loves that and I cannot recommend activities like that highly enough. She gets so much out of it and stops her being so insular.

I don't have the computer game issue as dd doesn't like them, however well done on not giving in on 18 rated games. I think they are vile and I think you are right not to give in and let him have them.

On the plus side - apart from the occasional surliness, teenage girls are fantastic. It truly is wonderful having a teenage girl in the house, she is so funny and sweet (90% of the time).

geteorf, is she year 9? It is just that my 13 yo ds is year 9 and he sounds a world away in terms of the responsibilities he has to your dd. In fact, ever since secondary school started, when we go to parents' evenings, I am agog at the girls in ds's year. They all look so mature!

DG - yes she is Year 9, she is one of the older ones in her year though (December birthday). Mind you I don;t think that matters so much now they are teens.

I think that girls are a bit more mature at this age though, I think boys catch up when they are 15/16. I see some boys of this age at dd's air cadets, they seem really mature and hard working.

I look forward to ds1 turning 15/16 then. Well, let's face it, it will probably be 17/18 given his track record (very immature).

Teenage girls in general look and behave about 3 years older than boys of the same age ime.

You could be describing my bundle of loveliness

RE the "all the other parents let my friends do X" my stock response is "Well, I am not a parent of those other children and I am trying the best I can to be a good parent to YOU" which of course results in much muttering and eye rolling but makes me feel better!