slightly odd behaviour from aquaintance what to do?

[madorbad]

I have name changed for this (its a small village).There is a local man who we don't know very well,partly because we are fairly new here,we bump into him quite a lot as he helps at the (only) cafe and he also is involved with other village stuff.He seems friendly enough,my dh and I are both pretty outgoing and sociable and are enjoying that side of village life,the man (who I will call "S")is part and parcel of the whole village network. My Dh said he feels unhappy with the way he is around our two dds,particularly our smallest,who is two.He is only doing what a good friend would do,e.g tickling her etc,but we hardly know him other than to chat to in the usual "how are you this morning" villagey type way.I have also felt slightly uncomfortable around him and it is hard to pindown why,I think he is a bit odd,he is certainly lonely and I think possibly rather bitter.He has sort of bypassed us to befriend our girls in that he doesn't chat to us (possibly he chats more to me than DH)as much as he does the children,and he is very physical with them,especially dd2.He picked her up onto his knee,he tickles her and grabs her and she really likes him,she thinks he is funny,I should emphasise nothing he does looks sexual or would be odd if my friend were to do it,but it still seems well,unusual I suppose and DH worries that he has made our girls trust him when we know nothing about him.Our older dd is 5.
I am wary of asking about him locally as obviously if he is just a lonely man with poor people skills,as is likely,then if any whiff of him being odd around small children got out in a tiny community like this it really could wreck his life,and yet we both feel bothered by him and he is hard to avoid .Any thoughts/advice?

Yup. Read this before.
Last time the girl had red hair and apparently it reminded the man of his dead wife who also had the same red hair. Something like that?

Oh sorry. You already have the link there.
Just ignore me.

Look, as far as I am concerned (and most of my friends too as far as I can make out) it is no more appropriate for a (non family) adult to pick up, tickle, touch, etc etc etc a child than it is for them to do the same to an adult. Children are also entitled to 'bodily integrity', and as far as I am concerned it is also about respect.

Of course within the close family circle and known and trusted friends
there can be more physical contact, play etc but for an 'aquaintance' to be regularly initiating this type of play or contact IS inappropriate.

I am not saying that this fellow is a paedophile (it may be far more likely that he is lacking in social skills or awareness for whatever reason) but he IS behaving innapropritely.

For heavens sakes, he is making you and your DH feel uncomfortable (be honest its more than that isnt it) he is picking up your child when she clearly doesnt want him to, and the reason you are not putting a stop to it is because you dont want to rock the boat 'in the village'.

I think your kids need to understand that actually its NOT ok for adults who they do not know very well to manhandle them and see you laying down the boundaries to re-inforce this.

And as for upsetting this man, I imagine he has been similarly 'upset' many times before, he will survive, you will have done nothing malicious or unkind, and i also imagine that no-one will think any the les of you if they get to hear of it (which i doubt as he's hardly going to say anything surely??).

Btw, dd is extremely tactile and wants cuddles from everyone. BUT no body has ever picked her up off their own accord. They talk to her, smile, joke, laugh etc. But only pick up when she has launched herself at them (and then most are uncomfortable and want to put her down)
I am working on it, btw, and she is much better than she used to be.

My point is that people do not just pick up and tickle random kids even when the kids are being super friendly.

I wouldn't go along with it. You need to make sure your boundaries are respected. I am not getting the pitchfork out, for all I know the man may have some shades of aspergers or something and not understand the boundaries himself. But no need to go along with it just because.

I agree with wannabe and I don't think they are being naive. this kind of behaviour is pretty normal in Med countries (I wonder if the lack of Daily Mail/Mirror style newspapers has anything to do with that!?)

However I also agree with possiblefestivalgoer and in any case the man's motivation is irrelevant. If his actions, no matter how innocent and well intentioned, are bugging you then you have every right to ask him to stop. If you don't want to hurt his feelings, perhaps you could couch it in terms of wanting to teach your daughter to be wary of 'strangers' - obviously you don't mean him, no of course not!

Sorry but am finding it very funny about Llareggub. I know it looks like a small Welsh fishing village but it isn't

oP I hope you find a way to resolve this problem...it sounds awkward.

Agree with wannabe and MrIC.
We've lost sight of what is normal.
Here in Italy all old chaps tickle little girls, give them sweeties. It's because they like children. (and not in that way)

I remember the similar thread as well.

madorbad - I think this is quite simple really, without you needing to justify your reasons why, the behaviour of this man is making you and your husband uncomfortable. You therefore should ask him to stop.

You have absolutely no "polite obligation" to him. You don't want him to touch your daughters. I wouldn't either, and would ask him to stop it. Immediately.

Also madorbad - the fact that you have a strong instinct on this, combined with him seeking out contact with children being met with negative feedback from others

(losing his volunteer job)and "woman working in the cafe snapped at him one day in a semi-joking but loaded way to "leave those girls alone"

You are not required to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm not suggesting that you label him in any way, but keep your girls away from him, and make it clear to them that he is not a friend of yours and you don't like him interacting with them physically, and that they are to keep their distance from him.

I wouldn't be risking my daughter's safety with "the benefit of the doubt" nonsense.
Sorry to read some others would.

You're a mum. Trust your gut.

Thanks for this everyone.We talked for ages about it last night and DH summed it up by saying that he felt the way S had almost engineered the friendship and done all the running making an emormous effort to win her over was the thing that most bothered him and he feels that although it is highly unlikely that S in dangerous he is not going to take the risk, I agree, as I am usually happy when people are friendly towards the dds, and when lovely old italian men pinch their cheeks etc.But this man literally lurches himself at dd and seems desperate to win her over and I don't like it,I am slightly afraid of him. If I can talk to the woman who made the comment I will,but otherwise we are going to avoid the situations where he is most likely to get close to her and briskly leave if a situation arises. When the girls are a little bit older I will talk to them about it in a gentle way so that they know we don't altogether trust this man.DH said,and I seconded,that he has ignored his gut feelings,or crushed them,in all kinds of situations and lived to regret it,so although this man is probably not a sexual threat he is certainly not normal in the way he deals with her and we are going with our gut feelings.

I do know llareggub is bugger all, I am welsh,we are reared on dylan Thomas.it was the welshness that made me worry.

I'd have done exactly the same thing.